Plot and Character Feedback

I like this idea a lot.  That said, "Preserving balance" is super vague (although you go on to explain exactly what you mean); is it something like the portals being the source of magic in the world or a necessary shunt for energy into both worlds or something?


This might be a feature of the story rather than a bug: maybe most people think the cult yammering about "the balance of the worlds" is at best high on the finest pipeweed in Hobbiton, and at worst are a delusional doomsday cult, when they actually have a VERY GOOD POINT.




Demon is a charged word.  If they're value neutral - not necessarily evil forces, just forces - then their own word for themselves might be different: I sugest Archon.  Again, this might be a deliberate feature and not a bug: everyone ELSE'S name for them is "demon" because everyone else thinks they're all actively malicious.




Being supremely powerful with chaos powers doesn't mean jack if you can't heal yourself and the people you love are so squishy that they can't follow you into the battles you need to fight for your personal ascention war.  If he's invincible, you hit him in the parents.


From a gameplay perspective, follow the example of Earthbound (Mother 2).  Ness gets a SIGNIFICANT power spike 2/3rds through the game, but battles are still dangerous because he has very little damage output except with very powerful and expensive spells.  He NEEDS to keep the rest of his much more fragile party topped up and ready.




This is a good idea that depends on good execution.  I like the basic premise.  A lot depends on striking the balance between this main character being likeable but being just monstrous enough that you can see the point of the antagonists.

I could use some helpful advice on my story...


Basically I am unsure how to progress my story and I think my villain may not be... "evil" enough.
I only have basic ideas so far, and I am not an accomplished writer by any means.


A fantasy world, perhaps lower than typical rpgs. Magic exists but real mastery of it is limited to few (so basic spells are easy, advanced spells are much harder and are limited to people who have devoted themselves) I would like to avoid the typical Demons and Dragons and focus more on the Kingdoms of mankind.


The protagonist (player) is a Prince of an once great empire which now is small and weak due to poor leadership and terrible treaties. Only recently has this downward trend been stabilized by the Prince's Father (and possibly Grandfather). The kingdom is sort of religious based and has a unique mastery over light/holy magic. At the start of the story the Father dies unexpectedly (natural causes, To Be Determined?) leaving the Kingdom to his advisers and his 2 children (Prince and Princess). The Prince is not old enough to rule and so the advisers decide that the Princess should head the council and that they should rule the kingdom until the Prince is mature enough for the throne. 


The antagonist is the Princess (older sibling to the player). She wants to restore the kingdom to its former glory through conquest and expansion. Not all that evil, she cares for her brother, father and her people. Enjoys studying and wishes for more knowledge to make the world a better place. (although that idea becomes corrupted. By expanding her kingdom through conquest rather than peace. Probably due to the fragility of life and how quickly her world has changed due to her Fathers death) She is extremely gifted at magic and seems to be constantly pouring over the kingdoms tomes. 



Basically, chaos breaks out and the edge of the Kingdom is attacked. Ready for war the Princess and the advisers are quick to blame the closest kingdom. The Prince desperately wants to follow his Father's example and lead the nation towards peace and away from war. Eventually he must fight for his Kingdom. During these events the Player learns that they were not attacked by this country. At this point it is too late to stop the war (or even if it does stop, the Player's Kingdom has already won). The Prince then confronts his Sister and the Council of advisers about what he learned. They don't care and the Princess convinces them to banish the Prince for events during the
war (which were out of his control). After this the Princess sets herself up as the Empress of the Kingdom and continues her expansion / conquest to further kingdoms.


---


So this is basically where I am stuck. The Player/Prince is now banished. I am considering having him roam the world and gain companions and experience and eventually try to reclaim his throne or having a time skip in which he and his company are now older and have already gained some new skills and partners (to cut down on grinding and such). I don't really know how to continue though. Because I have no terrifying world ending Demonic threat or Big Bad it feels much harder to write. I would like to explore other kingdoms and their wars and conflicts (possibly while the Prince is stuck as a mercenary for hire). Eventually the Prince would have to settle things with his Sister and reclaim his throne, either by forcefully ending her or negotiating transfer of power (possible morality choice?).


I guess I am just asking for critique and advice on how to make the story better and how to fill in the gaps of where I am and where I want to go.


Thank you very much for reading this.

I'll make this as simple as I can cause describing it can get a little confusing.


Your a girl named Tessa, trapped in a mansion with 24+ plus people and someone is beginning to murder everyone, slowly. You explore the mansion and discover its secrets and figure out the truth.


Its bland huh.... well I have something that will set it apart from any other game


There is a friendship system, conversing with the characters will profit you but it can hurt your morale (Health) if you speak to them the wrong way. Becoming friends with these characters will unlock special items, conversations, clues, locations, and little side quests. BUT you will need to pick and choose who to be friends with because your actions wont be liked by some people.


I plan to make this a more story driven game, with at most 20 hours of gameplay and I feel as that as long as I can keep the characters lively and stick with the way they act it wont get boring.


This is poorly described I can guess, but my main goal is to make a game where people fall in love with these characters in more ways then one, I want you to be sad with them, be happy with them, and cry when and if they die.


I plan to make two versions, one with rpg maker mv assets, and once the game feels finished and works properly I will upload my own textures and character pictures, basically rework the way it looks. There will also be a new game+ but as to how that will work is a secret, essentially in new game+ no one is your friend.


Just a general idea, already worked through the beginning of it and just wanted hear some thoughts, maybe even idea. I just need to truth, already got people testing and picking out there favorite characters :D  THANK YOU!

As it says in the Rules and Guidelines for the General Discussion forum




I am, therefore, merging this with Plot and Character Feedback.

@BlissAuthority


An 'Archon' is one of the chief magistrates of Athens, in Ancient Greece. It has since been used to loosely mean any ruler. Not very interchangeable with 'demon'.


@Ice444


I like the story, and I don't think your villain is necessarily evil or really needs to be. To an extent, she is definitely morally questionable, but that's fine. She is inexperienced as a leader and just dealt with a tragic family loss. 


Perhaps your exiled prince is starting a rebellion years later? Allying with yet unconquered territories to raise an army, but each area's leader wants something in return so you can give your player a reason to explore the world. Or you can take the sneaky approach and have yout player recruiting from the Empire's citizenry right under its nose. This might require a bit more evil from the princess because otherwise people wouldn't have a reason to join. Alternatively, she can just be incompetent or careless and thus people are starving, the economy of the empire is failing, bandits roam free to terrorize the populace, etc. 


For the second option, quests can involve stealing/otherwide acquiring arms and armor for the rebellion, dispatching important key members of the empire's military and/or political sector, restoring farms and crafting buildings, and gaining powerful allies to help train recruits/join the player party. 

They're supernatural creatures with broad command over a concept.  I think calling one an "Archon of foo" is rather fitting.  (Solve for foo.)


And no, it has nowhere near the same connotations as "demon."  That's the entire point.

Oh derp. My bad. I read his story on my phone so I might have missed that part. Damn tiny text and my bad eyesight. That makes a lot more sense. Lol. Now I like it haha. 

It reminds me a lot of Danganronpa (though I'm assuming no psychotic bears here, right?)


I really really like your idea! If you can pull it off, it has great potential imo.

@madmink Please do not quote whole posts simply to indicate who you are answering.  It makes the page slow to load and to scroll down, particularly for those who access this on their phones.  If you want to indicate who you are replying to, just use the @username convention as I have on this post.

@ksjp17 Apologies, I wasn't aware of it. I'll do that from now on. :)

Well I guess you could say there are some parallels haha, I hope it doesn't seem to alike, realized it kinda does...


But thank you for your feedback!

@Immortal Trance Personally I don't think there is any problem with that. Danganronpa's core ideas come from a lot of sources. It's the execution that makes a game unique imo.

@Xeniro  The idea of balance and/or rifts were also circulating in my mind as part of a potential RPG plot.  Though in my case, it was more that magical energies usually exist in a certain equilibrium with nature, but sufficiently large-scale uses of magic are an affront to reality itself, causing rips in it as a side effect.  Two possible ideas for how to build upon this for a plot is that someone decides that people are using magic irresponsibly and resolves to gain sufficient power to enforce its proper use (with godlike delusions of grandeur), or that someone purposefully tries to force open a wide rip for their own selfish reasons, possibly as a means of traveling to another world (which could be their homeward), or some more nefarious reason.  Either way, the rifts drain the vitality from their surroundings and expose it to chaotic energies from other dimensions, either mutating the wildlife into monsters or spewing monsters from other worlds.   


I really need to flesh out some details about the plot though.  This is what happens when one gets inspired by games like FFV - you think of the gameplay first (in this case a job system), and trying to come up with a plot later.


Anyways, I do have some character ideas.  I'd like the main character to be a more scholarly type than the typical JRPG protagonist, and so far I'm calling him Arthur.   He'd have to investigate the rifts early on.  Then there are three other party members, each of which would be a potential love interest to Arthur.  I had in mind Lorelei, a princess who joins Arthur early on, slipping out of the castle because she is concerned about the effects the rifts are having on her people (and maybe also to get away from troublesome suitors).  There's Brenna, a scarred wanderer who I'd imagine to be from a village from the north, destroyed some time ago by a rift phenomena, who may have some innate mystic powers (though she probably has not actually studied them) that draw her to the rift Arthur and Lorelei are investigating.  And then I thought that maybe the rift would go wild, transporting the three of them a good distance across the globe, where they encounter Angela, a runaway former cleric who used her magic to hex or blackmail the corrupt merchants of a city, gaining control of the local trading consortium for herself.  Angela would offer them passage on one of her ships, but when things go awry, she demands to stick with the party until they can recoup her losses.


Anyways, that's the basic prologue scenario I've imagined.  But I still need to think of some story justification for the Job System if possible.


As for other details... regardless of the motive of the villain, I see them as having established control over an Empire.   Tentatively, I'm calling the antagonist Emperor Theodore.  As befitting a name that means "God's Gift", he is an extraordinarily gifted individual in terms of raw power and charisma, explaining how he was able to come to power in so short a time or otherwise push the Empire's borders.  Theodore may be one of Lorelei's suitors.


 He should also have a number of powerful generals subordinate to him.  Their names and designs could change substantially, but some names and ideas are fairly clear. One is Sigrun, his fanatically loyal knight, possibly with fascist tendencies.  Other ideas included generals following the archetypes of mage, assassin, and lancer (who would be less disciplined than the rest).  And of course, the Empire needs some resident mad scientist.  


Another plot idea was some sort of prophet going around, either warning people about the Rifts, or deliberately trying to mislead them.   If antagonistic, the prophet here may or may not be an alter ego of Emperor Theodore, to act where he cannot in his official capability, or he may be an advisor to Emperor Theodore, or possibly the man behind the man, exploiting Emperor Theodore's hubris for his own ends.  


One possibility for the proliferation of the rifts is that people are trying to extract magical energy from other dimensions itself.  Either such dimensions and the possibility in them are the source of the energy used for large-scale magic in the first place, or they have made machines to do the extraction for them.  Having technology to be the blame strikes me as too similar to FFV though.  Though having some sort of magitek could also explain the Empire's rapid expansion.  


Anyways, those are my basic plot ideas so far.  If anyone has any suggestions on how I could further develop these ideas, or critiques thereof, please share them.


-----------------------------------


Now to avoid double-posting:  


@Ice444


If you want an example of a political storyline where there isn't a demonic, world-ending threat, look at Final Fantasy XII.   Most of the plot is driven by trying to prevent the outbreak of a large-scale war between two Empires, which involves acquiring ancient relics capable of destroying one Empire's weapon of mass destruction, and infiltrating its main weapons research facility.  The antagonist, Vayne, has a genuinely good goal in mind, freeing mankind from the influence of god-like beings, but he has several nations conquered so that he can acquire the gods' nethicite crystals, the power of which they tempted mortals with, for himself, so he can have them studied and make a manufactured replacement for them.  Though he still has his own ambitions of empire, and also wants to use their power to power his own super weapon, so he can make the other empire submit to him and follow his rule into a new golden age.  


One of the main characters of Final Fantasy XII (though not the viewpoint character) is Ashe, the deposed Princess of one of the nations Vayne conquered.  She ends up working with some street urchins, sky pirates (one of whom has a connection to the Empire's weapons research), and a disgraced (though truly loyal) knight to unravel the secrets behind the Empire's invasion and nethicite.

This was done as a mini-worldbuilding idea for my setting. It's meant to be a bit of comic relief in a grimdark fantasy world, where high exposure to magic can drive mankind insane and all manner of dangerous beasts rule the barren lands outside the safety of human settlements. 


A bit of context for the world:There is no historical human explanation for why Aramour exists in its current state. Either history has forgotten, been rewritten, or wasn't bothered with in the first place. All the people know is that their world is a harsh mistress, home to the Loci(name pending), huge points where arcane energy surges outward in torrents. Ravaged for an indeterminate amount of time by these magical storms, Aramour's vast landscape varies from ashen wastelands to oddly colored forests, where the trees whisper ancient secrets to the right ears. An alien place, humankind has adapted to their harsh surroundings, many of them through the use of magic. Sprawling cities rise from the dust, ruled by sorcerer-kings or theocrats representing some lost god. 


Now for the silly bit I wrote quickly. Keep in mind this was written rather fast and not edited, but it should give a bit of hilarious insight to a particularly goofy settlement. 


High Hovel-the remnants of a mining town that was abandoned when a Locus opened up nearby, now inhabited primarily by barely literate, simple-minded humans. Named by the townsfolk for the "biggest hovel in town" that sits at the top of a ridge overlooking the town, High Hovel is home to a few dozen people. The town was originally named High House, until a wayward traveler referred to the foul-smelling homes of the place as "disgusting hovels". The townsfolk immediately grew attached to the word "hovel", adopting it into their vocabulary. Unfortunately, outsiders may be confused by their usage of the term, being used to mean a multitude of things, even uttered as a swear word. The leader of High Hovel is referred to as a Thinker, and is praised for his seemingly greater intellect, although any outer city dweller would dismiss this notion immediately. A new Thinker is chosen when someone within the town becomes smarter than the current Thinker. The challenging individual and the Thinker must then hold a battle of wits and show off their knowledge. The victor emerges as the new Thinker. No one has bothered to consider the fact that they lack the knowledge to actually determine who was more educated. It essentially boils down to the public declaring the victor whoever could say the most complicated, impressive, and utterly incomprehensible strings of words.  


Despite their dull minds and no concept of arms and armor, the inhabitants of High Hovel have survived for years. With the threatening presence of several types of deadly creatures in the valley below, no outsider can fathom how this is possible. When asked, High Hovel's residents simply shrug.

@PsychicToaster  Well of course you can't trust the uneducated/fools to determine who among them is the most knowledgeable / wise.  But as colorful as High Hovel is, how does it or its Thinker fit into the overall plot of your game?  Presumably it's visited as some point.


Anyways, since I can now post here again / avoid cluttering my last post so it isn't a double-post, here's the backstory I came up with for my game.   I put this in the spoilers of the November progress thread but didn't request feedback for it here.  But since this is the right thread for plot feedback, I will now seek it.


My Game's Backstory


On the world's northern continent, there was a prosperous civilization, advanced beyond its peers in the study of the arcane arts.  Among their achievements, the accumulated wisdom of its greatest scholars and heroes was recorded onto twelve magical stones, serving as a trove of knowledge facilitating the continued advance of the civilization, as well as allowing their powers to be wielded once again in times of need.   This forms the in-story justification for our job system.


However, about twenty to thirty, years ago, this civilization came to an abrupt end.   A prophet foretelling the civilization's doom whipped rival factions within it into a vicious civil war, and in the confusion, the stones were either stolen or scattered.  And then, no one knows exactly why, something went terribly wrong.  A great rift opened up in the capital city, swallowing up its central districts and spawning a horde of monsters onto the land.   The rift also leeched vitality from the land and drove the native wildlife mad too, leaving it a hostile place.


With their capital destroyed, their stones lost, and most of their population killed by war or monsters, the survivors were scattered as well.  Meanwhile, the prophet proclaimed the calamity to be divine retribution.


The collapse of the civilization also caused great social unrest in the years to come.   Many flocked to newly formed religious orders, seeking salvation from the ruin that threatened their world.  In the south, a small kingdom rose to prominence under the leadership of its gifted Prince Theodore, who soon came to be the absolute ruler of a large Empire, aided by his chosen Generals.  For restoring order and stability to much of the globe, along with his own prodigious talents, he came to be viewed as an almost messianic figure.  


The third major power remaining after the destruction of the northern civilization was the Academy, the inheritor of the lost civilization's Magus Stone, which it had held in safekeeping, and was now the premiere center for arcane research and storehouse of ancient lore in the world, though the Empire's laboratories strive to rival it.  In the new order, it dedicated itself to studying the Rift, and any smaller ones that opened up around the world.  Consequently, it has increasingly become a paramilitary organization to train those to combat the threat.  Not simply devoted to magic, it also trains nobles and talented individuals from around the world  in the sword and other arts.  Officially neutral, an uneasy peace exists between the Academy and the religious orders, which see it as meddling where it should not.


There are also a number of smaller kingdoms between the Empire and the ruins of the northern civilization, which still remains abandoned, save for a few outposts.  Some of these have risen to local prominence in recent years, and may have come into possession of some of the lost stones.  


The survivors of the northern cataclysm and their descendants are intensely discriminated against for bringing it upon the world, whether  that is just or not.


So forward to the present, where do our player-characters fit in?


Arthur - student of the Academy, sent there at a young age by a noble family from a small kingdom and now the headmaster's favorite pupil, dispatched to investigate a new rift disturbance in Vanet.


Lorelei - princess of the small but prosperous coastal kingdom of Vanet, renown for her singing voice.  Emperor Theodore is interested in having her hand in marriage to create an alliance between Vanet and the Empire.  She is concerned about the rift that has appeared in her kingdom.


Brenna - half-blooded descendant of the survivors of the northern civilization. She looks like an ordinary human, save for her unusual hair and eye colors.  Has grown up without any formal training in her inborn magical gifts and works as a freelance mercenary, though they may compel her to follow her destiny through visions.


Angela -  A former member of one of the religious orders, who rebelled against its authority by studying hexes and later ran away.  She used her spells to blackmail the corrupt merchants of a city on the southern continent not yet controlled by the Empire, establishing herself in their place.  

@Arithmetician


Indeed you do visit High Hovel. The Thinker will serve a purpose, although I have yet to give him one. This is meant to be a side location, not really one that connects to main story plot, but there will be some rewarding content to complete. It's all a huge work in progress. The simpletons of High Hovel will certainly have some surprises for the player though...


I like what you have going so far. I would give better feedback but I just woke up and my brain is frazzled. Lmao.

@PsychicToaster Surprises like the Thinker being the secret super boss!   Or not.  Well, usually it's important to have some reason for these things, but it's okay to have the odd quirky side area once in a while.


Take your time.

I do hope this is in the right spot but I sort if need a little help.


Hi guys. So I need a bit of help. I have a few plots, but I want to figure out which one would be the most interesting and expand on them with a little help from the community. 


1. You visit some place (it could be a mansion, friends house, hotel, cafe whatever fits really), where everything seems normal at first. You get friendly with (the guests, family, owners, etc), and are invited to stay for a bit. Things start turning from normal to strange, getting stranger and stranger as you progress. Your goal is to escape while avoiding the monsters (or ghosts, ghouls whatever), and what Not without dying. 


I think there needs to be more to this though, like a goal besides escaping, but what could that be? And what could lead me into going to this place in the first place?


2. A dead (or maybe even alive), mother takes children to compensate for her own missing (dead), children. She thinks that these children are her own. Your goal is to release the children she has taken, whilst finding the souls of her own children and bringing them to her. 


Is this goal strong enough or should there be more to it? How would I find out about the mother taking the children?


3. Someone you know (friend, family, lover, etc), has been corrupted by an evil force and is destroying (killing, etc), things. Your goal is to help them to become normal again and stop whatever is corrupting them while avoiding monsters and stuff. 


This one definitely would need expanding. 


All of these I need help with expanding and stuff so please help me out with some ideas and stuff it'd be great!

I am merging this with Plot and Character Feedback, as General Discussion is not about giving feedback on individual projects.

Would love to get a little feedback on my rough draft story so far.

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After a crippling natural disaster, the remainder of society creates a fortified circle-metropolis. This giant city is separated into five divisions with each division having a giant wall in between them.


The center most division consists of the most wealthy, important, and scholarly of citizens.


The second division consists of mainly, merchants, priests, and military.


The first two divisions are the only divisions with military patrols while the remaining three divisions are governed by their respective division militia.


The third division is the largest and most diverse division consisting of the majority of the lower/middle-class citizens.


The fourth division consists mainly of workshops and other manual labor jobs such as blacksmiths, lumber mills, and farms.


The fifth division is the least governed and most corrupt division, consisting of homeless, gangs, contract killers, and runners. Runners are the most dangerous jobs as they have to leave the metropolis and scavenge for resources.


The military distribute supplies from the inner two divisions to the outer three such as weapons and armor for the division militia and clean water and clothes for the citizens.


A gang from the fifth division thinks they aren't getting enough supplies so they decide to rob one of the supply caravans.


This makes the government cancel their supply caravans and only have them within the first two divisions guarded by military.


The remaining three districts are beginning to suffer without the direct supplies.


Main character decides to leave their home from the third district to join a gang of runners in the fifth district to help bring supplies back for their family and friends.


A gang of thieves and bandits want to uprise and take over the inner two districts.


Main character can either join with them or become a soldier and help defend against them. 


That's all I have so far. Would love any kind of feedback!