Plot and Character Feedback

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Started by Lunarea 1231 posts Page 46 of 62 View original ↗
  1. richter_h
    #902 Source
    Silenity said:
    Would love to get a little feedback on my rough draft story so far.

    Spoiler
    kgbKUm1.jpg






     
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    After a crippling natural disaster, the remainder of society creates a fortified circle-metropolis. This giant city is separated into five divisions with each division having a giant wall in between them.


    The center most division consists of the most wealthy, important, and scholarly of citizens.


    The second division consists of mainly, merchants, priests, and military.


    The first two divisions are the only divisions with military patrols while the remaining three divisions are governed by their respective division militia.


    The third division is the largest and most diverse division consisting of the majority of the lower/middle-class citizens.


    The fourth division consists mainly of workshops and other manual labor jobs such as blacksmiths, lumber mills, and farms.


    The fifth division is the least governed and most corrupt division, consisting of homeless, gangs, contract killers, and runners. Runners are the most dangerous jobs as they have to leave the metropolis and scavenge for resources.


    The military distribute supplies from the inner two divisions to the outer three such as weapons and armor for the division militia and clean water and clothes for the citizens.


    A gang from the fifth division thinks they aren't getting enough supplies so they decide to rob one of the supply caravans.


    This makes the government cancel their supply caravans and only have them within the first two divisions guarded by military.


    The remaining three districts are beginning to suffer without the direct supplies.


    Main character decides to leave their home from the third district to join a gang of runners in the fifth district to help bring supplies back for their family and friends.


    A gang of thieves and bandits want to uprise and take over the inner two districts.


    Main character can either join with them or become a soldier and help defend against them. 


    That's all I have so far. Would love any kind of feedback!



    Based on your explanation, there will be two kind of ending, am I right?


    First, the protagonist will join the Runners and barge through the third district, eventually gaining access to supplies and bring them back to home district.


    Second, the protagonist will join the militia and defend the perimeter against the Runners and outlaws, hoping for the supplies will be given later.


    It's quite solid so far, but something you'd like to add is what bridges the conflict. Starting from slums of the outer district, making ways to the workers' district and middle-class district and eventually finds himself in the innermost districts, the protagonists will and should have some conflicts. Unrests in the outer districts will make the reason why he/she must go to inner districts, but how he/she can go there? Usual pathways, secret tunnels, or using the slightest of chance when outbreak occurs?


    Also, you'd like to add some more characters. Not only they'll make the story more interesting, side characters will shape the protagonist in his/her journey seeking for supplies for his/her friends and family. Someone like a mentor character who'll lead protagonist's way while giving basic skills along the journey, helpers who will give certain access to pathways, equipment or information, either for free or requires the protagonist to do some chores, and the most important thing in a story, the antagonists; such protagonists will have an ordeal with someone or something, like unforgiving militia, iron-fist leaders, or the government system itself.


    There are many things to concern, but for now you'll have to stick on basics first, either the story, characters, or places. Your call.


    Cheers~
  2. Silenity
    #903 Source
    richter_h said:
    ~~~





     



    Thank you so much! This is exactly the kind of feedback I was looking for.
  3. Benja
    #904 Source
    Hiya everyone! I've been tossing around an idea in my head for a while, and was hoping for some feedback!


    The story:


     

    Spoiler
    One Thursday night in the quiet beatdown town of Tarbank Wisconsin at exactly 12:37 PM, a scream was heard at the Terish residence.


     

    The scream belonged to Clara Terish, a 16 year old girl who was abducted from her home on September 27th by an unknown assailant. The person who heard the scream was Clara’s next door neighbor and best friend Denise Walshbern. Denise was in her room at the time of the abduction, and her parents confirmed this.


     

    So the question is, who took Clara Terish? And is she alive?

     


     


    The Children:


     

    Spoiler
    Anton:


     

    You play Anton Loringer (Often called Ant), a 16 year old boy who goes to the same highschool as Clara did/does. Although you only knew Clara through your mutual friend Asher, the mystery intrigues you, and as other students receive threats, you feel the need to find out the mystery behind what’s happening.


     

    Clara:


     

    The subject of the mystery. Clara Terish was a 16 year old highschool student who attended Delver High like most children of Tarbank. You don’t know too much about Clara, other than she kept to herself most days, except for a few of her friends. The one who knows most about her is her best friend, Denise, you’ll have to talk to her for more info.


     

    Denise:


     

    Clara’s best friend, Denise Walshbern (Nicknamed Dee) is a bit shady. With her white cap covering her eyes and white faux fur coat, she would seem like a normal girl, but she just feels shady. As far as you know, she is loyal, so she has that going for her. Rumor has it, Clara tells her everything, so she is a valuable informant in your quest to solve the mystery, although whether or not getting information out of her will be easy remains to be seen.


     

    Richard:


     

    Richard Vega (Also called “Dicky” or less often “Rick”) is a 15 year old boy whom you has been friends with for a while. Dicky has little to no knowledge about Clara, but claims to have dated Denise at some time, so it is possible that he could hold some information about Dee that may get her to open up.


     

    Kaleb:


     

    Kaleb Yipp (Sometimes called “Kal”) is a 17 year old student who attends the same highschool as you, you know virtually nothing about him, but Richard has said “I saw that stupid prick talking to Clara the other day, I bet he kidnapped her”. Richard and him seem to have some sort of history, but if this is true, Kal may have some information about Clara’s location.


     

    Asher:


     

    Asher Nause (Also called “Ash”) is a 16 year old boy, and your best friend next to Rick. You and Asher have been friends since Kindergarten. Asher is also friends with Clara, in fact, the only time you and Clara ever spoke was because Asher invited her to sit with you two at lunch. You don’t know the circumstances under which Clara and Asher met, but it doesn’t seem to matter too much. With Asher being the only person you know will be willing to speak that was close to Clara, and possibly even Denise, he could prove to be an essential part of solving the puzzle.


     

    Adelaide:


     

    Adelaide Dimare (Sometimes called “Addie”) is a 15 year old who you have your eyes set on, a crush if you will. Although you haven’t known her long, you two are what most would consider friends. Although Rick claims he used to be friends with her, and that she is “A stupid backstabbing slut” you have your doubts about Rick’s judgements. Asher says that she’s nice, and you find his opinion much more trustworthy. Still, Adelaide seems to have almost no involvement in the mystery, as far as you know.


     

    Cameron:


     

    Cameron Heyde is a 14 year old Freshman at the same high school you and the others go to. He is an outsider of sorts, you know little to nothing about him, neither does it appear that any of the others do. He seems to not be related to the mystery at all, until he starts receiving threats, then it appears that the Abductor has set their eyes on a new target.

     


     

    As for the Parents of Tarbank…


     


     

    Spoiler
    Mr. and Mrs. Terish:


     

    Everett and Janet Terish are the concerned parents of the missing Clara Terish, while their concern seems genuine, you can’t help but feel like something is a bit off about them. They refused to go public about the case, denying any local news coverage. Huh.


     

    Mr. and Mrs. Walshbern:


     

    Beverly and Angelos Walshbern are the parents of Denise. You’ve only ever gotten a peek at them. They seem to be just as shady and reserved as their daughter. Or perhaps it’s the other way around. Hm.


     

    Mrs. and Mrs. Vega


     

    Natalia and Cari Vega are the parents of Richard Vega. As far as you know they seem to be a happy couple, and Rick says the same. Although Rick claims they will sometimes leave on “Business”, which seems a might bit fishy. Hm.


     

    Mr. Yipp


     

    Kai Yipp is the sole parent of Kaleb Yipp. Again, you know nothing about Kaleb or his father, but with some prodding, you may be able to get something out of Rick.


     

    Mr. and Mrs. Nause


     

    Markus and Eva Nause are the parents of Asher Nause. You’ve met them when you and Asher would sleepover, they have always been a friend of your family. They seem like nice people, not terribly suspicious. But who knows what will come out with time.


     

    Mr. and Mrs. Dimare


     

    Mathias and Mia Dimare are the loving parents of Adelaide Dimare. You know some things about them, mostly from Adelaide. You know that they are very relaxed people, far from strict. Other than that, you know they hunt. Meaning they have a firearm. Huh.


     

    Mrs. Heyde


     

    Phoebe Heyde is the single mother of Cameron Heyde. What you’ve seen of her is just her dropping off Cameron, who doesn’t seem to take the bus. From what you know, she seems like a very kind person. Again, from what you know.


     

     


    In conclusion:


     


    I don't quite know the genre I'm going for, but I believe somewhat of a mystery/thriller combination.


     


    I'm still debating on who actually took Clara and if she's alive or not, so I'd like some advice on that as well! 


     


    Thanks for reading!
  4. AntQuin
    #905 Source
    Hello, everyone,


    I have been working on my RPG for a short time now, and I am at a point in the creative phase where feedback is needed. 


    I am working to design a game which involves numerous classes, each with their own set of unique skills. The classes are essentially broken up into one of three categories: Beginning, Intermediate, and Advanced. In addition to this, players have the option to enable any class they have unlocked as the player's subclass, adding an additional level of stradegy to overall gameplay.


    While the plot is still very much in its developmental state, the gist of my story is this:


    While sitting and speaking with your dying grandfather on his deathbed, he reveals to you that he may very well be at the beginning of discovering the location of the Grand Archive of Raamal. Thought by many to be a myth spanning across milennia, you are initially reluctant to believe him when he says this. He then proceeds to tell you that he has hidden a map he had recently acquired, and that you must continue his work in discovering the Grand Archive. According to legend, the Grand Archive holds every tale and story ever written, and is under the jurisdiction of one, and one alone--the Recordwriter. It is said that while the Recordwriter is responsible for upholding and ensuring every story is on record, he or she also possesses the power to rewrite the story, and potentially rewrite history itself! 


    My class list is as follows:



    Classes




    Alchemist




    Arcanist




    Assassin




    Bard




    Beastmaster




    Berserker




    Black Belt




    Dark Knight




    Dragon Hunter




    Dragoon




    Geomancer




    Hunter




    Knight




    Machinist




    Mercenary




    Monk




    Ninja




    Paladin




    Priest




    Rogue




    Summoner




    Thief




    Time Lord




    Warrior




    Wizard





    As for skills, each class has roughly 10 skills as it stands currently, however some may end up having more, especially one like Warrior, where the player has the ability to use a variety of different weapons, and may therefore have various skills associated with the type of weapon equipped.


    One thought I had in regards to skills was whether or not it would be interesting to have unique skills unlock based on class/subclass coordination. For instance, if a player selects to be something like Ninja / Assassin, a skill which plays off of both skillsets would be made available.


    My overall intention is to provide diverse gameplay with high replay value, while not unnecessarily adding to the general flow and progression of the game. I understand that balance is key, and I have done my best to uphold that, even when working with the 25 classes I have. Having said that, I also want to design a game that is thrilling, captivating, and immersive, and I believe that can be achieved with this level of stradegy, along with a solid plot and supportive content (e.g. regional maps, cultural history, etc.).


    I know I am skimming the surface on much of this, and as I stated I am in the very early stages of project development, but hopefully this gives you enough of an idea of what I have been working on the past few weeks.


    If you have any questions, or need any additional information, I am happy to provide it.


    Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing what you all think.
  5. Arithmetician
    #906 Source
    @AntQuin  I am also working on a game with a job system, though I chose to restrict the number of classes to 14 instead of 25 to keep things more manageable as a project done by one person.  For example, in my game there is no such thing as an "Assassin" or "Ninja" class, because their functions are absorbed into the higher-level skills unlocked by a Rogue.  Of course, since you want distinct beginner, intermediate, and advanced classes, such are appropriate for your game.  Just be aware that it presents considerably more work.


    I also suggest changing the name of your "Time Lord" class, unless you want people to immediately think of a Doctor in a time-traveling blue police box.  Consider something like "Chronomancer" if you want something more interesting than "Time Mage".  


    Now, this is a plot and characters feedback thread and there isn't that much feedback to offer at the moment, as you only have a general concept of the plot presented right now. What I can say is that obviously the Recordwriter holds god-like power if he can warp reality to that degree.  His stated powers also suggests a metafictional perspective on the story. Is this the case? Also, is the Recordwriter meant to be the antagonist?  If so, how can the protagonist credibly challenge the Recordwriter when the Recordwriter can easily write the protagonist out of the story, undo any setback, or write in any manner of deus ex machina to his benefit?
  6. bobbykill201
    #907 Source
    Hello, this is my first time ever brainstorming a plot for my RPG. So hopefully you'll enjoy it


    In the year 20XX, There was a nation called Geskington, they consisted of humans and unded they lived together in peace and prosperity, the elves had an abundant amount of food and were excellent makers of wood based arcitecture. While the humans gave them tools and resources such as Coal,Iron, even bows and arrows.


    One night however, there was a bright light which had a crack as if something was emerging from it. When a bunch of soldiers were sent to  investigate they saw a strange object emitting aura, one of the soldiers touched the object and gained the ability to use magic.
    After the delima humanity has finally discovered magic,some wanted to incorporate magic into there existing technology and to further advance humanity as a whole. However, not all liked the idea of magic, some say it goes against all the laws of science and ethical issues. Due to the disagreement of the once unified nation, they split up into two seperate parts. The Once proud country has been forced into turmoil.


    Will you join the Brotherhood of Specter and show the world what real magic can do,or join The New Order who wants to bring peace and prosperity between the nation.


    Since religion is a big part of the brotherhood, they believe that all living things are made up of mana — the land, the trees, the creatures and people.  All creatures are able to manipulate mana to some extent depending on what they are and how well trained they are. 


    They also believe in a diety called Pudasis, Goddess Of Magic she takes the form of a young woman. She is tall and has a busty build. She has a medium-length lemon-yellow hair worn in a bizzare style. Her droopy eyes are yellow.  She is usually portrayed as wearing a strange uniform that's chesnut in color, and is covered in magical designs. She has the power to grant or take away any magical ability.


    The New Order focuses on improving their military force and that brings a negatice impact to the enviorment around them, casuing them to use their resources carefully. 


    After completing the "starting zone" area the player will be asked to select a class, each with their own strengths and weaknesses. Then they'reis given a quest to continue the main storyline, while also meeting new allies along the way. Each ally will have a unique personality and makes them more relatable to the player, rather then being character who are just there to fill up time and space. The game will also feature a bank system, so that way the player won't have to lose so much money if they get defeated.


    Since each faction has their own unique types of classes, i wanted to make each of them slightly different. For example, the white magic would use mana as a  resource for healing/buffing allies. While the Medic focuses on using materials given in order to heal/revive allies,      (Med Kit: Requires 2x cloth and Medicine)  


    As you continue on with the game there will be rivals that try to attack your party (rivals are on the opposing faction)


    Finally you'll be able to participate in the war itself, from killing enemies to attacking startegic areas your actions will decide the outcome of this war.
  7. Kes
    #908 Source
    Plot feedback belongs in (ahem) 'Plot and Character Feedback'.


    Merging this with that thread.
  8. AntQuin
    #909 Source
    @Arithmetician, THANK YOU for your feedback; I sincerely apperciate you taking the time to both read and respond to my post. 


    I wrote my original post INCREDIBLY sleep-deprived, and a lot of the plot I actually wrote as I wrote my post itself, but this is the general route I was trying to go anyway.


    In direct response to my Time Lord class, I actually am playing around with the idea of incorporating Doctor Who into my game somehow. It's not 100% confirmed, but if not fully explicit, I've even considered this class being suggested or implicit in terms of its direct relation to the series--Chronomancer was actually a name I had jotted down some time back should I choose to do it that way.


    I know that having this many different classes creates a challenge in and of itself, as that's a lot to tackle, especially since I am working on this alone. I've been on the fence with this on and off for about a week and a half, whether to keep the class definition I have or to consolidate some of them to make it more managable, and at this early phase that I am in it is really difficult to pinpoint. I've been working to develop a skill tree for each class, in hopes of creating a balance with this many classes, and right now each class has roughly 10 skills to help set them apart from other classes. Certain skills, depending on the nature of them, are able to be used in battle, some can be used outside of battle, but my overall goal is to make each class feel different from others when you are playing as them--really trying to immerse people into feeling like if they select Alchemist as their player's class, they truly are an Alchemist.


    Below is a rundown of what my skill tree is like as it stands today, divided by class:

    Spoiler
    Class


    Skill


    Alchemist


    Innovative Synthesis


    Alchemist


    Medica


    Alchemist


    Gem Roast


    Alchemist


    Forage


    Alchemist


    Bubbling Cauldron


    Alchemist


    Prune


    Alchemist


    Plentiful Harvest


    Alchemist


    Sol Niger


    Alchemist


    Master Chemist


    Alchemist


    Acid Rain


    Arcanist


    Clouded Judgment


    Arcanist


    Labyrinth


    Arcanist


    Veil of Mist


    Arcanist


    Bane of Your Existence


    Arcanist


    Sosin’s Comet


    Arcanist


    The Name of the Wind


    Arcanist


    Miasma


    Arcanist


    Starfire


    Arcanist


    Entombment


    Arcanist


    Power of the Ancients


    Assassin


    Backstab


    Assassin


    In Cold Blood


    Assassin


    Hostage


    Assassin


    Crimson Moon


    Assassin


    Night of the Long Knives


    Assassin


    Impale


    Assassin


    Reign of Terror


    Assassin


    Quiet Death


    Assassin


    No Survivors


    Assassin


    Ghostblade


    Bard


    Lullaby


    Bard


    Steal Heart


    Bard


    Staccato


    Bard


    Solo


    Bard


    Warsong


    Bard


    Encore


    Bard


    Decrescendo


    Bard


    Harmony


    Bard


    Melody


    Bard


    Canon


    Bard


    Sweeping Arpeggio


    Beastmaster


    Call of the Wild


    Beastmaster


    Sting of the Viper


    Beastmaster


    Maul


    Beastmaster


    Tame the Beast


    Beastmaster


    Jaguar


    Beastmaster


    Two Birds, One Stone


    Beastmaster


    Rising Phoenix


    Beastmaster


    Hawkeye


    Beastmaster


    Heel Clipper


    Beastmaster


    Kindered Beast


    Berserker


    Adrenaline Rush


    Berserker


    Blind Rage


    Berserker


    White Knuckles


    Berserker


    Bloodbath


    Berserker


    Thirst for Blood


    Berserker


    Retaliation


    Berserker


    Eviscerate


    Berserker


    Onslaught


    Berserker


    Extinguish


    Berserker


    Hero of the Eternal Storm


    Black Belt


    Roundhouse


    Black Belt


    Disarm


    Black Belt


    Hammerfist


    Black Belt


    Slashing Elbow


    Black Belt


    Axe Kick


    Black Belt


    Eye Strike


    Black Belt


    Light's Out


    Black Belt


    Aikido Strike


    Black Belt


    Stone Fist


    Black Belt


    Guillotine Kick


    Dark Knight


    Nightmare


    Dark Knight


    Petrify


    Dark Knight


    Shadowskin


    Dark Knight


    Nocturnal Majesty


    Dark Knight


    Stabwound


    Dark Knight


    Life Drain


    Dark Knight


    Weapon/Attack-Based Skill Tree


    Dark Knight


    Eclipse


    Dark Knight


    Black Widow


    Dark Knight


    Dread Prevailed


    Dragon Hunter


    “Talonscar” Chronicles Vol. I: Forests


    Dragon Hunter


    “Talonscar” Chronicles Vol. II: Caves


    Dragon Hunter


    “Talonscar” Chronicles Vol. III: Mountains


    Dragon Hunter


    “Talonscar” Chronicles Vol. IV: Oceans


    Dragon Hunter


    “Talonscar” Chronicles Vol. V: Skies


    Dragon Hunter


    Talon Strike


    Dragon Hunter


    Skyseeker


    Dragon Hunter


    Fiery Embers


    Dragon Hunter


    Shattered Horizons


    Dragon Hunter


    Craft Dragonhide Armor


    Dragoon


    Scour the Globe


    Dragoon


    Hide Piercer


    Dragoon


    Cloudwalker


    Dragoon


    Dragonhide


    Dragoon


    Death in Fire


    Dragoon


    Dragon Fang


    Dragoon


    Edge of the Atmosphere


    Dragoon


    Dragon Rage


    Dragoon


    Enveloper


    Dragoon


    Harvest Dragonblood


    Geomancer


    Carved From Stone


    Geomancer


    Knee Deep


    Geomancer


    Regen


    Geomancer


    Dematerialize


    Geomancer


    Lay of the Land


    Geomancer


    Maelstrom


    Geomancer


    Magnetic Field


    Geomancer


    Rock You Like a Hurricane


    Geomancer


    Seismic Sense


    Geomancer


    Pitfall


    Hunter


    Thrill of the hunt


    Hunter


    Quickshot


    Hunter


    Skin


    Hunter


    Leathercraft


    Hunter


    Longshot


    Hunter


    Heartseeker


    Hunter


    Track


    Hunter


    Scout


    Hunter


    Silent Strike


    Hunter


    Fish


    Knight


    Trumpet of Gabriel


    Knight


    Guard Break


    Knight


    Crown's Honor


    Knight


    Into the Fray


    Knight


    Guided Fury


    Knight


    Blessing of the Kings


    Knight


    Weapon/Attack-Based Skill Tree


    Knight


    Unbreakable


    Knight


    Long Live the Queen


    Knight


    Long Live the King


    Machinist


    Tinker


    Machinist


    Forge Weapons


    Machinist


    Auto-Track


    Machinist


    Forge Armor


    Machinist


    Hollow Points


    Machinist


    Use Explosives


    Machinist


    Codex


    Machinist


    Dismantle


    Machinist


    Calibrate


    Machinist


    Mustard Gas Bomb


    Mercenary


    Flash Grenade


    Mercenary


    Reload


    Mercenary


    Bullseye


    Mercenary


    Cover Fire


    Mercenary


    Headshot


    Mercenary


    Barrage


    Mercenary


    Smoking Barrel


    Mercenary


    Leg Shot


    Mercenary


    Purple Heart


    Mercenary


    Green Beret


    Monk


    Dash


    Monk


    Thousand Fists


    Monk


    Combo Attack


    Monk


    Bide


    Monk


    Stoneskin


    Monk


    Bonebreaker


    Monk


    One Man Army


    Monk


    Mandala


    Monk


    Meditate


    Monk


    White Crane


    Ninja


    Spiritual Refinement


    Ninja


    Soft Soles


    Ninja


    Smoke Bomb


    Ninja


    Become Landscape


    Ninja


    Shadow Cloning


    Ninja


    Feeling Before Knowing


    Ninja


    Kyudo


    Ninja


    Water Run


    Ninja


    Counter Attack


    Ninja


    Shuriken


    Paladin


    Fortify


    Paladin


    Triumphant Shout


    Paladin


    Blinding Light


    Paladin


    Weapon/Attack-Based Skill Tree


    Paladin


    Smite


    Paladin


    Divine Shield


    Paladin


    Selfless Warrior


    Paladin


    Fulfillment of the Prophecy


    Paladin


    Heat of Battle


    Paladin


    Celestial Order


    Priest


    Pray


    Priest


    Heal


    Priest


    Salvation


    Priest


    Heavenly Light


    Priest


    Thy Will Be Done


    Priest


    Guardian Angel


    Priest


    Feel my Pain


    Priest


    Reborn


    Priest


    Beacon


    Priest


    Enlightenment


    Rogue


    Serpent's Kiss


    Rogue


    Disarm


    Rogue


    Quick Draw


    Rogue


    Massacre


    Rogue


    Vendetta


    Rogue


    Mutilate


    Rogue


    Conceal weapon


    Rogue


    Toe-to-Toe


    Rogue


    Recruit


    Rogue


    Set Traps


    Summoner


    Fatigue


    Summoner


    Fire/Ice/Lightning Armor


    Summoner


    Necrophagist


    Summoner


    MP Trance


    Summoner


    Immolation


    Summoner


    Runic Magic


    Summoner


    Crystal Barrier


    Summoner


    Energy Siphon


    Summoner


    Ghost


    Summoner


    Hydra


    Thief


    Steal


    Thief


    Sneak Attack


    Thief


    Lockpick


    Thief


    Sticky Fingers


    Thief


    Shadow Step


    Thief


    Vanish


    Thief


    Steal JP


    Thief


    Master Thief


    Thief


    Negotiate


    Thief


    Seige


    Time Lord


    Psychic Paper


    Time Lord


    Haste


    Time Lord


    Cogs of Gallifrey


    Time Lord


    Gates of Uchronia


    Time Lord


    Decipher


    Time Lord


    Timeless


    Time Lord


    Sonic Lockpick


    Time Lord


    Clockwork


    Time Lord


    Tardis Teleport


    Time Lord


    Black Hole


    Time Lord


    Wibbly Wobbly Timey Wimey


    Time Lord


    Allons-y!


    Warrior


    War Cry


    Warrior


    Fighter's Stance


    Warrior


    Hold the Line


    Warrior


    Ambush


    Warrior


    Burning Heart


    Warrior


    Honor Restored


    Warrior


    Infantry


    Warrior


    Cavalry


    Warrior


    Ranger


    Warrior


    Shadow of Legends


    Warrior


    In the Name of the Fatherland


    Warrior


    Weapon/Attack-Based Skill Tree


    Warrior


    Charge


    Wizard


    Crystalskin


    Wizard


    Regen MP


    Wizard


    Stargazer


    Wizard


    Enchant Field


    Wizard


    Knowledge of the Ancients


    Wizard


    Mana Null


    Wizard


    Weapon/Attack-Based Skill Tree


    Wizard


    Mana Surge


    Wizard


    Mana Leech


    Wizard


    Tonguetie

    In many respects, I'm integrating ideas from FFXI and FF Tactics in terms of my class/skill system I have in the works right now today, but to reiterate, my project is super duper early in development, so any feedback at all is awesome, so again @Arithmetician I appreciate your feedback.


    In regards to my plot, I'm actually playing a little bit off an idea from a show my 3-year-old daughter was watching one day. To answer your questions, I am intending the Recordwriter to have a metafictional quality about him, yes. While some of the stories have become known to be true, others have only speculated to be, while others are simply fairy tales, but all have the ability to be rewritten by the hands of the Recordwriter(the name Recordwriter itself, btw, is a work in progress, and am really just using it as a reference point, as it's the best I've come up with so far). I came up with same theory you did regarding the credibility anyone would have of challenging the Recordwriter, and I had tried to think of different variables to potenitally prevent that maybe, or if the Recordwriter perhaps answers to some sort of higher power pulling the strings so to speak, but either way that will need to be something I address. Good critique, and perfectly valid question you pose!


    One other idea I had, rather than you being sent in search of both the Recordwriter and the Grand Library, I had thought about the possibility of your grandfather revealing that HE is the Recordwriter, and that he is passing the responsibility to you. From there, it is your duty to go through all the stories yet to be told or without endings, and to actually give them endings by becoming a part of each. In this sense, each story could have its own antagonist--boss fight immediately came to mind when I kicked this idea around, but there is the potential for other possibilities as well (e.g. a character who perhaps appears in multiple stories, or even outside the stories themselves). This would change things somewhat, as you wouldn't have the ability to rewrite what has already been written, but I feel like it would allow me as the developer to construct the game in a variety of ways, with a wide array of character interactions, environments, enemy encounters, etc., to keep things constantly fresh. If I were to follow this plot scenario, I have also considered replay value, and the idea of different stories falling into particular categories, or chronicles, and depending on which chronicles you elect to play through determines your overall playthrough. In that sense, each playthrough could be different. 


    This project is, above all else, an outlet for my creativity and a process of self-discovery, but that doesn't mean I want to do it in a sucky way. Is this project a lot for one person? Yeah, I'm sure it is. Am I up for all the work in store? You betcha! How long will it take me to complete it? I'll likely push it out for beta testing the day after I'm dead. 


    All kidding aside, there are four key things that I personally have found to always be a lot of fun and always interesting: RPGs, Maps, Writing Stories, and Brutal, Punishing, Technical, Blood Curdling METAL. If I can incorporate all those elements into this project, and manage to share it with anyone who can or will appreciate it, it will all be worth it to me in the end. I'm a nerd right down to my core, and this kind of stuff is what I'm all about. Conventional or not, RPGs are off the hook, and I hope to make one that hits all the highlights of my childhood game-playing nostalgia.


    Thanks for reading, everybody! If you made it this far, I commend you!
  9. Arithmetician
    #910 Source
    @AntQuin Well, that level of detail for skills and the like doesn't really belong in the Plot and Characters feedback thread, and that table should probably be in spoilers to avoid cluttering the page, but I can tell that you've taken the effort to clearly conceptualize the classes and give them their own flavors.  It also indicates that you encountered the same pitfall that I did - designing a job system first and then having only a vague story idea.


    The second story scenario, with one as the Recordwriter (or whatever you ultimately choose to call it) seems more satisfying, as the antagonist does not appear to simply be a foe that is essentially invincible with the power of the narrative, and it offers a variety of environments / enough dungeons to make such a large job system actually work.  And of course, if the protagonist has this role, their powers are necessarily limited.  


    Similar stories that you might draw inspiration from are The Neverending Story, The Chronicles of the Imaginarium Geographica, and Discworld.  


    As for a villain, I can see some sort of eldritch abomination(s) trying to wipe out all of the stories, or otherwise stifle the imagination needed to finish them.


    You also mentioned a library earlier.  Perhaps this could, in the new version, become the protagonist's base of operations between the worlds of the stories, or it could be something the antagonist is searching for, should they be more of a character than simply a malevolent force of nature / an incomprehensible abomination.  
  10. Kes
    #911 Source
    @AntQuin Please put that table into a spoiler.  I tried accessing this on my phone earlier and it was a total nightmare.  It's not easy on my laptop either.


    The thing to remember is that this is Plot and Character feedback.  A lot of that stuff could go into Features Feedback if you want to discuss things like your skills.


    Thank you.
  11. AntQuin
    #912 Source
    Thanks for your feedback @Arithmetician, and my apologies to anyone / everyone struggling with the forum placement or overall format of my post(s). I am still learning my way around this site, so forgive me for not being as savvy with the ins and outs as all of you.


    @ksjp17 My apologies. I have modified my post to conform with your instructions. Furthermore, I will do my best to compartmentalize my posts so that each component is going under the most-applicable category.
  12. Immortal Trance
    #913 Source
    I have quite an unusual project that I would like to start very soon. and its not so much an rpg as its more like a story with some fun little hidden things you can do. I am posting more or less to get ideas and feedback as to whether there's even a demand.


    Its sort of strange but recently I finished watching all 9 seasons of the office and I kind of wanted to remake it into a story based game. Of course it would be completely non profit and all the art would be made by me. I was thinking about having each season be one full game, you will be an employee hired to just take notes about what happens in the office and to act like you aren't there. Maybe after the 9th game I'll make a "10th season". don't know yet but need to find the motivation to actually plan this.


    As to what the main character would look like, I was thinking of it being a seemingly dull middle aged woman, someone that would be nagged on just as much as Toby would.


    Suggestions are of course welcome, thank you.
  13. Niten Ichi Ryu
    #914 Source
    Suggestion: Look also at the Office UK. You really need a Ricky Gervais' David Brennan.
  14. Lynvia
    #915 Source
    So, I'm thinking hard about and entering the preliminary stages of developing a Christian game, similar to Captain Bible but updated for another century using RMMV.


    Title:


    Bible Girl and the Jungle of Confusion


    Blurb:


     Beth Garrett is just your average Christian teen on Mars Colony, that is, if anyone on Mars Colony is average. In Central City her ho-hum life turns upside down as a forest of mind-altering floral vines takes over the city overnight. Everyone Beth runs into has been affected by the flower-induced virus, and have all lost touch with the truth. Using her wits and God's Word, Beth must discover the source of the Jungle of Confusion and get her city, and her family, back!


    Here are the particulars in Bird's Eye form:


    Characters:


    Beth Garrett, aka Bible Girl - senior in NCCHS (North Central City High School, GO NCCHS!)


    Jed Garrett, her younger brother, freshman at NCCHS


    9 other characters they must rescue to complete game.


    Plot: As described in Blurb, a jungle of mind-altering flowered vines have taken over the city on Mars, Beth must free her own mind from the confusion, and combat people and flowers spouting lies and confusion with the truth from the bible. Her final goal will be to find out why the jungle grew, and how to stop it. There are ten major successive tasks that must be completed to win the game, with a final showdown battle requiring coordinated effort from all characters, as in Cap Bible.
  15. Kes
    #916 Source
    @Lynvia You've basically got two distinct strands to your post.  There is the part about plot and character, which belongs here, and game play/skills/battle aspects in general.  These should be in Features Feedback (over in Game Mechanics Design).


    I suggest you edit your post to remove those elements and post them in Features Feedback.
  16. Arithmetician
    #917 Source
    Redacting my previous post, since my thinking has changed.


    But now, as for my villain.   As envisioned so far, he's an Emperor who helped restore stability to much of the world after a cataclysm wiped out the previously dominant civilization (which also created magic stones responsible for the game's job system).  He's immensely gifted and proud, and desires godhood so that he can lead the planet into a new golden age.  


    But there are a few problems.... initial ideas of how he plans to obtain godhood were rather similar to Final Fantasy V or Final Fantasy Dimensions.  More differentiation from them would be could, since I'm already borrowing the basic job system.  Also, I need to come up with reasons as to why he can't simply proceed with carrying out his plan (which in the original idea was entering the rift/portal that was formed in the old civilization's destruction) at the start of the game, preferably involving conquering some countries.  And then there was the question of if anyone should be trying to manipulate him.  An initial idea was having some dark Prophet trying to goad him into seizing godhood, knowing he'll fail and bring ruin to the world, although I also thought the Emperor would be aware of this and trying to outmaneuver the Prophet.


    As to what formed the rift / portal, I had the idea of an experiment by the lost civilization sabotaged / gone awry, possibly by the Prophet character, or alternatively a rogue researcher.


    Well, this is the problem when one focuses on gameplay.  The story suffers.  I have my player characters fairly developed, and even a path for their adventure planned out (in spoilers), but my concepts for the antagonists remains frustratingly vague.

    Spoiler
    Dungeons


    1. Vanet Pass


    2. Mimic’s Grotto


    3. Sylvestris Woods


    4. Tower of Ice  (optional)


    5. Northern Desert


    6. Mines


    7. Secret Passage


    8. Ocean Shrine  (optional)


    9. Forest of the Fey  (optional)


    10. Haunted Castle  (optional)


    11. Sword Shrine 


    12. Dragon Volcano 


    13. Airship Interior


    14.  Astral Tower


    15.  Temple Falls  (optional)


    16.  Mount Vanadis   (optional)


    17. Forgotten Tomb  (optional)


    18.  Sanctum  (optional)


    19.  Imperial Labs


    20.  Lost Capital


    21.  The Great Rift


    22.  Bonus Dungeon
  17. TakaDynasty
    #918 Source
    My friend and I are collaborating on a game. First try... Well, very first try (tries...) was basically playing around with the capabilities of VXA. But our first legitimate try was to emulate a gacha game. That lasted about three days. I finally figured out how to code the core of it so that it wouldn't require ten thousand variables... and then I realized I didn't know how to make RPG Maker read my code. After fielding a question on the matter here and getting no replies, we figured it was time to move on to a simpler matter.

    So now we're really, truly buckling down on our first game. Just a private project for the two of us, but we're no less excited for it. However, my lack of confidence and ability to make decisions means excitement is generally accompanied by worry for me.

    And now we come to the reason for this post. I'd like feedback on two primary points:
    4SHeroFamily.png

    1. The character portraits above, made mostly with Kadokawa's lovely resources, some help from @Derex000's excellent generator overhaul, and @Schlangan's incredible Extended Generator, which is now a must-have tool for me. In reading order we have the hero's father, the hero's mother, the hero's younger sister, the hero (male and female versions), and the hero's younger self for flashbacks (male and female versions). I'm pretty happy with them in general, but there are some specific things I'm worried about:


      Does the female version of the hero look similar enough to the male that they classify as "twins"? What might I alter to make it more so, if not?
    2. Does the female hero's clothes look similar enough to the male's? They're meant to literally be wearing a sort of uniform, as far as my fantasy world provides them. The hero will start the game joining a guild of hunter-guards who keep the village safe from the plethora of wild threats lurking in the forest that surrounds them. These hunters wear a uniform focusing around thick leather armor. The hope is that both versions of the hero appear to be wearing such a garment.
    3. Does everyone on this sheet look sufficiently... related?
    4. Do the younger version of the respective heroes resemble them enough to pass inspection?
       

    [*]My general storyline is this: The hero heads into the forest with some of the other Hunters to begin a sort of rite of passage to become a full fledged Hunter. He/she returns to find the village ransacked and new banners hanging from the guild hall. The hero's father, a military veteran and once one of the monarch's most trusted men, tasks the hero with sneaking out of the village and through the treacherous woods to inform the royal army of what's happened. From here, it evolves into a war story where the party - eventually a party of four - is sent to gather the support of nearby kingdoms to resist the tyrannical empire now encroaching upon them. Feedback I need:

    1. Is it too generic? Too "done"? I feel like it is, but I can't tell if it's my video game memories or my past writing tendencies talking.
    2. If anyone else played Legaia 2, does it seem too familiar? Because it seems I've inadvertently drawn a lot of inspiration from this game's opening sequence...
    3. Does it seem plausible to rope a party of four into a large-scale war story, or should we aim for more? The main reason we chose four is because Final Fantasy V was a big inspiration for us; specifically the job system. In trying our hand at a job system of our own, we felt four was a good, solid number for creating a little statistical deviation without bloating the cast with "... but why would I when my already leveled characters can use every class?" options.
    4. This is less feedback and more "help please", but... Any ideas on how I can work summons into this mess? I love a good summoning system, and while I don't like to shoehorn in things that don't belong, I'd really love to be able to try my hand at implementing one myself. (There's a certain well-known party limit gauge plugin just waiting to be attached to a summoning system...) I should specify that I'd prefer to tie summons to the hero rather than a Summoner class, hence the uncertainty.
       


    Thanks in advance for taking the time to read and think over this. And... as always, I hope I'm doing this "forum thing" right.
  18. Kes
    #919 Source
    @TakaDynasty For your portraits you might like to make a separate thread in Resource Support which is all about resource creation, feedback on resources etc.


    For your story, starting off with a rite of passage is good, but then it does indeed get a bit generic.  So some questions to help you think through this bit and come up with something a bit more your own.


    1)  Why doesn't the father send any of the more experienced hunters who went into the forest with our hero?  They would be the obvious choice.  One way round this would be to say, yes the father does send them, and orders his son to go with them for his own safety.  You then start off with a party of 3 or 4, with the mature hunters being temporary characters that you dispose of at some point, leaving our hero on his own.  Or maybe, the hero has a falling out with the hunters, and goes off in a huff.  Or maybe some other mechanism.  But the idea that this inexperienced lad is picked to go on a difficult and dangerous mission just because he's someone's son is a bit threadbare.  Oh, and don't make him the party leader.  The other hunters would laugh at the idea that this lad who has only just finished his rite of passage should be the one to lead them.  Just by making him an add-on to the party means that you have broken out of the well-trodden path this sort of opening gets stuck in too often.


    2)  Not played this, so no comment.


    3) A party of 4 is fine, though it might be nice to have a couple more, to give a bit of strategic choice.  However, more important is to ask: what can a party of 4 achieve in a war?  Too often it ends up with this tiny party saving the world against some awesome evil emperor with a huge army at his disposal.  Hmm.  However, a party of 4 is potentially just what the general (or whoever) needs to send out on reconnaissance missions, or fast couriers who can slip past enemy lines.  Remember, though, that these are - at least initially - inexperienced, young etc.  Therefore from the general's point of view they are expendable.  He needs to keep his experienced, battle-hardened warriors to hand and is not likely to entrust a decisive mission to these newly arrived unknowns.  Again giving a war-critical mission to what is in effect a wandering band of nobodies is a threadbare trope. Your job is, therefore, to build up the role of this 'inconsequential' mission into something else.  Maybe they just do the first mission perfectly, and the general gives them something else to do, or maybe from the off things go a bit 'wrong' and they end up in the wrong place, and so events unfold into something more significant.


    Almost any story will have well known themes somewhere in it.  The trick needed to break out of the cliche cycle is to keep asking yourself questions.  For example


    - Why is this character in this particular place at this particular time?


    - Why does this character join the party?  Too often it seems the answer is 'just because'.  But how does joining the party help the character to fulfill their dreams/hopes/escape their fears/whatever?


    - Why does this (or any) character stay with the party after it becomes clear that this is not the way to a safe, long life?


    - How does being part of this mission/quest/whatever change the characters, their hopes, their dreams, their image of themselves, their character?


    Whenever you think of something that might happen to the party, be sure to ask 'Why?  Why is this happening now, in this way?'  It's one of the most useful tools a story writer can have.  If you can give a good answer to the why? questions, then your players will not find plot holes, and the story will flow in a more coherent way, with your personal spin on everything.


    4)  This isn't the place to ask about summons systems.  Either try Game Mechanics Design, or if you have specific questions about specific aspects, then ask in MV Support.
  19. KenKrath
    #920 Source
    I would very much be delighted to give some feedback on anyone's plot, story, or character elements if they would do the same for me. My project does not have any gameplay elements so it is obvious as to why any feedback is appreciated. While my episodes are a bit out of order (due to resources) I was able to get Episode 1 completed so if you want to provide feedback on that Episode only and/or the character bio's that is fine.


    Send me a PM if you've posted your plot in this thread already and I'll quote it and happily give you feedback if you'd like. I've seen some very interesting stories on here and would like to provide feedback to everyone, but the thread is so huge and it is hard to tell who is active and who is still working on their project.


    If you click the Atis's Gaze banner below it will take you to the project thread.
  20. HexMozart88
    #921 Source
    @KenKrath Ooh, I like it. Your voice acting is not bad (though Narboz was a little interesting). The story as a whole is interesting, but I think your characters should have more than one expression (Narboz was still smirking after Ciro died). 


    You captured the medieval atmosphere very well, I think. Probably better than in my own game. Your action scenes were top notch too.  :thumbsup-right: