Plot and Character Feedback

Each Domain has their antithesis, but it goes a step further than that. I can go into the cosmology I've been working on to explain it a bit. It's pretty rough and not detailed since I'm drawing out a cosmological map to help me better understand my own fantasy universe lol. Hopefully it's at least coherent. 


The universe is composed of many circles of existence, each within the other. They have their own inherent laws of physics and material composition. The Outer Circle is the infinite realm of all godlike beings(there are more than just the Aspects), a place of unlimited energy and potential. Just outside the inner borders of this first circle is the source of all souls, endlessly revolving in an eternal cycle. These souls are inert, without consciousness and thought until they are given a physical body. This stream of unused souls has existed for far longer than any god, and thus the secret to their creation is lost. While they cannot create them, the gods learned to use these wayward spirits, to give them vessels with which they could walk one of the many realms. Since they could not create them, it was decided that all vessels must eventually die out, the souls returned to the stream. Ikhael, one of the gods who had never spoken before, took responsibility for this task. He didn't care for what he termed the "meddling" of the gods in something they barely understood and would have much preferred the silence that had been so pervasive in the Circles for eons. In Ikhael's eyes, the souls were better off being left alone, perhaps to serve a greater purpose than they were being given. Given the essence of Death, Ikhael gave shape to its Domain and ruled as its Aspect. 


For Vella, the Light was too revealing. She was a secretive goddess, only giving away what she thought the others needed to know, always skirting the line between truth and lies. Her gift to humans who would accept it was the dark. It would mask their movements, allow them to carry out their ambitions unseen. For most, the night was an anomaly, shrouding the unknown. It was a natural fear for those accustomed to the light. To the unscrupulous the night was their armor, protecting them from the vigilant watch of the righteous.


In regards to my magic system, I'm changing it due to the cosmology and the physics work. In short, magic was not a gift from the Aspects. Surrounding the realm Astroch sits in are the actual planes of each Domain where their respective Aspect dwells. These subrealms are linked to Astroch and provide a certain mystical energy to the humans. They can open a link or channel to the energy and control the reality around them to an extent. I'll brush up on it later, but your question made me realize that it is pretty difficult to fathom why a covenant of divine beings would give their creation a power like that. Either it will change to something like that, or if you'll permit the use of your idea, I totally could work in Ikhael cursing humans with shorter lives because they had access to such power, keeping the soul cycle going and preventing any one magician from becoming too powerful.


EDIT:To give a bit of perspective, here's the unfinished map of the universe. So far I have the Outer Circle, the Eternal Cycle, and the Wheel of Balance that the world of Astroch sits in. The Domains are represented as their own separate realms. There are no other Circles yet, and no moons or other planets represented. I am not very good at GIMP and drawing without a tablet is pretty tough. Also Destruction was changed to Ruin so that I don't have to have so many D's in there lol. 

Ah I see, fair enough.


I love the Universe Map, it's great you've put some real thought into it, I'd be interested to see how it develops.

Hey guys, wondering if you could help me with a small thing that I didn't feel like warranted its own thread.  How old do you think this character is?  Think of your answer before clicking the spoiler, and tell me if his appearance is consistent with what I want.  Thank you!

@jonthefox He looks fine for 25 years, imo.

Hello, I'm looking into starting my first game after much planning. It's fairly light and straightforward in story, but I'd like if it were consistent and interesting.


Enochian [There's a heavy focus on Demonology and Christian names. It's heavily influenced by Paradise Lost]


The Setting:


In the world of Enochian,Hell is a place on Earth. More specifically, Hell is a crater formed when the Creator smashed Lucifer and his followers into the planet's surface. The crater is massive and its outer reaches are shrouded in the Limbus fogs, which disorient many who approach it. If one were to somehow make it through the Demon infested fogs, they would encounter the desolate land of destruction, Apollyon. It is a land of molten rock and glass, with only seven notable features. The six Obsidian Spires and the lone Temenos.


Temenos, is a pure white, monolithic spire that features lush vegetation in its proximity. Its striking beauty is unparalleled on Earth and that fact is only made more evident by its placement at the very center of Hell.


The Story Beginning


I'm going to set up the opening scenario for context. The character may be a male or female, but they all begin the same. Caught wandering the Fogs of Limbus, The Avatar is revealed to be the leader of a small band of great warriors. They dispatch the many groups of familiars that beset them in the Fog, but are slowly being worn down until only the Avatar remains. To this point, the player had been seemingly invulnerable, but that changes upon their first encounter with a Lesser Deamon. The player attacks, has their blade broken, and sword arm lopped off. When it looks to be over for the player, the Lesser Demon is cut down by Vassago.


Unlike most demons Vassago is a fairly jovial and good-willed fellow, who brings the player to Temenos. There he asks the player why they came to Hell. Were they coerced or are they here of their free will? Do they want something returned, or are they here to take something? At this point the player establishes their own motive for being in hell, but regardless of their answers,  Vassago gifts the player with a Sigil Ring, a silver knife. and access to the libraries of Temenos. From this point the player is weakened from blood loss and their missing arm. Brawn is now useless to the mighty warrior, and they must use cunning and knowledge of the workings of Hell to meet their goals.


The Story Spoilers


The game itself is supposed to be fairly short once you know what you're doing. This allows you to play through multiple times to obtain different endings and see how different Demons react to the changing landscape of Hell. Did you stealth your way to victory? Did you annihilate all the Demons? Perhaps you bribed the Dukes and Marquises to turn them against their Kings? I want your play style to alter the story you receive.

@jonthefox - without looking at the spoiler I'd say early to mid twenties, and if you threatened physical violence I would narrow it down maybe 23-24...



Having read the spoiler I'm:

• Pleased that I was fairly close
  
• Confident that that means that you've pretty much nailed the character design in those terms!
  

Nice one. :)

Owing to the unwieldy nature of my previous experiment (not saying this isn't), I've decided to give another story that took me by my suspenders a shot. 


_________________________________


This game is influenced by a variety of titles narratively, specifically Suikoden I would think, and it has much to do thematically with 'who ought to rule' and what the point of ruling something that's bound to collapse means. Is it an ego game? A desire to participate in the spectacle of the via politica? Etc. Additionally, themes tangentially related to FF7 are involved- such as the theory of metempsychosis and palingenesis, as well as the Great Man theory.


At any rate, the game takes place in the Republic of Agartha, a country which sports a senatorial body that is composed of the Virtusi (Clergy in effect) and the Solanati (Military oriented). The political philosophy boils down to, in effect, the preservation of the essential order that has been time-honored since the formation of the country itself. Of course, you might be asking that this government leans quite heavily towards certain expenditures and so forth- but this would be a judgment sourced in an anachronism. All public works are carried out by private groups who work in unison to produce better living conditions and so forth for the populace. For this reason, there are many non-governmental groups that work in unison to bring about better living styles. 


The story of this game takes place in light of the fact however, that Agartha is culturally eroded and effete. Military hawks, doves, priests, etc.- many concur that the country is in a sort of tumultuous state, for its population is internally contradicting the norms that allowed Agartha to truly prosper as a distinct political entity. That is to say, many of the noble families are not quite corrupted, but inneffective compared with the presence of 'new money', and many implicit norms have been shaken and are now taken for granted. Unfortunately, since this is the province of culture, political legislation can do little to curtail it. So goes the basic setting.


In the north, a rather traditional enemy of Agarthic hegemony, Shuln, is massing soldiers again. Roughly 30 years ago they suffered a humiliating total surrender and cultural liquidation at the hands of Agartha and their at the time young upstart of a strategist Varisla Kalmar. Today, he and his son, Versuo Kalmar, are enlisted in the preparations in case Shuln decides to attack again. The massing and reunited hordes owe their newfound life to the enigmatic yet mighty Shulnik of the north, who simply goes by the name of Barka. As of now, there has been no act of aggression on Shuln's part, but Agartha is planning on nipping them at the bud.


This frames the narrative in which the game takes place. As a rather poor/lower class individual, in order to get outside your current standing, you decided to take up parcel-delivery. Having done so for a good 2 years at this point, you've become quite adept at your job to the point that you are given a rather complicated one by a high paying client. You are to deliver a package, without any of its contents disclosed, to a similarly undisclosed receiver. The job will involve you going to various locales and receiving additional instructions from there rather than any direct orders at once. The game hinges much on the contents of that package, and the fact that it seems the client wants to prolong the delivery as much as possible... 


I can add more if people want too, as I feel there are missing key details, but this is just a brief synopsis of one level of the thing. I'm really underconfident in it, but hey.

I'm writing down a game concept that I probably won't be using for years, but I have some good ideas down already. I'll give you guys a rundown...


25 Years Ago, The Elder Hunts




The Plague




The Purge




Characters




This is what I have so far. I think I have a pretty interesting concept going on here. (Part of which is inspired from Bloodborne, by the way.) Thoughts?

Cool.


I like where you're going with this, it's busy and there's plenty of intertwined conflict. I reckon you'll have to manage it well though! :D


I've always been a fan of the whole Racial Tension thing in games - DA:o springs to mind as a worthy exponent of that, particularly Elves & Men - I think if done well it does add an edge to proceedings which is good - if it's done well.


The only thing I would venture to suggest, whilst I like the conceit of having Monsters spawned by the plague; it provides a good way of getting critters into the story, I think that just calling them "Monsters" is a little... ordinary? I reckon you should give them a more worthy name, you know? more portentous and perhaps a little threatening but also a little sad as well, given what they once were.


Other than that, I reckon it would make for a great adventure, if you can weave all of the different threads together in a unique way. :)


#thumbsup

Thanks for the feedback.


I was thinking about naming the monsters something else. Perhaps "The Blighted", "Besmets", or maybe "Hellions", "Fiends", or "Recreants"? I'm having trouble choosing.

An idea I have is a game series (possibly called The Song of Alto? Or should that be just a title of one of the games?) Made with at least 4 of the English RPG Makers, at most 5. (2000? 2003, XP, VX Ace and lastly MV)


Stars a Bard character named Alto Fife Reed (nicknamed Al). His hometown is a place called Sonata City, or at least he lives in a nearby town not too far away. Bards... hmmm... how to describe Bards in this world? Well, I guess you could say that music, songs, stories, words, the power of one's voice makes up the magic in this world? I... haven't thought up much, sadly. Sorry.


Bards can use their music (any musical instrument will do, doesn't HAVE to be the stereotypical lute or harp. Alto's first weapon as a child training to be a Bard was actually a music box) as well as their voices to manipulate things and people like causing a distraction by talking while others sneak behind or past the enemy, raising your voice to rally a crowd to a certain cause or ideal ("Down with Ulfric, the killer of Kings!" for example) or cause a riot, charming a child with a story and having the events "become real" as the Bard tells it (it's actually not, it's just an illusionary thing for safety's sake because nobody wants to say, "Then a dragon attacked our heroes!" and have an ACTUAL dragon come out of the book and start burning the house down, right? Though most likely a child wouldn't know this or care because they're too busy enjoying the story), the tone and force of their voice or playing equals the power behind their Songs. Play gently or speak softly to heal someone or calm them, for example. Play bombastically or raise your voice to a shout to harm someone or rally them or make something react (like opening a locked door?) to it. Heck, I made a skill in MV called Screeching Strings and description is thus: "Play a tune so loudly and off key that it makes your foes ears bleed!" and inflicts the Bleed state I have!


Yes, there are Wizards and Healers/Priests in this world too. I'm imagining they operate under the same or similar principles that the Bards do? I don't know, I've just been pondering over all this the past few days. Probably need to get hep from you guys to iron out the kinks.


Anyway, one of the worst things that can happen to a Bard is to be Silenced (by that I mean both the RPG Maker state and the figurative "Make sure he keeps quiet" thing where they end up dead or at least mutilated so they can't talk, though I'll be mostly talking about the state since the latter is obviously bad for anybody). Not only can they not cast their magic/play their songs... they flat out can't speak at all, they're struck instantly mute and sometimes deaf as well. And if they can't talk, they can't sing, and thusly their power takes a massive crippling nosedive. If they're deafened, that's even worse because now they can't hear themselves playing and thusly that will go all off kilter and they're start unintentionally playing off key or too loud or whatever and that means bad stuff is going to happen. And to make matters worse, sometimes the stuff that typical RPGs use to cure Silence (Dispel Herbs and the like) doesn't work and the effect is permanent. It's VERY rare that happens (usually done by someone either very powerful or putting a lot of power behind their Silence command, like they REALLY want them to shut up for good), but it can happen, and it's seen as pretty damn tragic whenever it happens as that poor person's career is down the tubes and they might as well take up begging on the streets instead, especially since this is a world of magic and it runs on that kind of stuff. Usually though, it's not. Though it does give them a scare (I can see Alto physically and mentally having a panic attack when it inevitably happens to him) whenever it happens to them, and they have to resort to other methods to do whatever they're doing at the time, until it either wears off or they get cured by a spell or item. No idea what happens when they get the equivalent of laringitus or just sick in general.


No, a Bard's Song cannot bring back the dead. *suspiciously shifty eyed* 


Although speaking of that, I do have the idea for a scene where Alto (canonically anyway, might effect other endings if this somehow doesn't happen) has one of his fellow party members mortally wounded by something. No healing spells work, no potions take effect, Alto's Songs aren't doing anything... the guy's dying and there's nothing they can do for them. How sad, huh? He's dying quickly at least, but he's certainly not having the best of times right now (though I can't imagine ANYONE would be having the best of times while they're dying unless it's a situation where they're sacrificing themselves for the greater good and thusly at peace with themselves or dying peacefully at an old age), and all Alto can do (and this is at his friend's last request) is play his songs so that his soul can be at rest. Alto considers it his greatest failure that he couldn't save them, that he couldn't do anything to help them besides make their last moments peaceful. 


And yes, I do plan on having multiple endings. Probably go for Bad, Good and True Endings for each one if I can.


I'm thinking about having all my main characters have music themed names, no matter what their classes are, just because I like sticking to themes. I already have Alto and Aria (his love interest). Aria, I'm thinking at best she's a princess or a high ranking noble, at worst she's a priestess in Sonata City's church. Either way, she's a beautiful singer and Alto is charmed by her! Alto himself I'd imagine is quite the charmer as well. And yes, no matter her profession, she and Alto get married at some point. Not sure if they have kids though (though I might consider giving them a daughter named Melody). If Aria is indeed a princess, then she becomes queen at some point and Alto is her Prince/King Consort.


I can picture at the Bard school (whatever it's called) that they have ranks/titles as well- (in no particular order) Bard, Minstrel, Storyteller, Loremaster, Skald, Conductor (Headmaster?)... lady Bards get different ones like Songstress.


Also, Alto befriends a dragon and that serves as their "airship" in-game. And the dragon talks. I'm not sure how many party members are in the series, I wanna say least 5 at most 6. Dragon buddy probbly wouldn't count since he'd be overpowered, but who knows?


One Bad Ending I wanna do has Alto... simply just giving up after the final battle of the game, after losing so much during this run. He travels to the docks and leaves the land forever, never to return and devastating his friends who are calling for him to come back in vain. One of his friends just so happens to find him somewhere else... and he basically has chosen to forget everyone including his name. "Alto? That man is dead. Leave me alone!"


Another possible Bad Ending I just thought of right now, has Alto lose his reputation as a hero. "Hey, aren't you Alto? Weren't you some sorta hero a few years back?" "...I'm just a humble Storyteller, ma'am..."


Other Bad Ends are what you'd imagine, like they all die at the last battle, or the world is boned due to their failure. 


One True Ending I thought up for the second to last game in the series is kinda bittersweet though.


However! As you might expect, this isn't the end. The finale to the series...


I need ideas for party members, besides Alto and Aria. I need ideas for what kind of threats the gang will face, because all I can think of is, "Evil person wants the entire world to be Silenced" for whatever reason (World of Silence trope?). I need names for said party members (the dragon included), I need a name for the world Alto lives in and the names of various places besides Sonata City. 


I need help with a lot of stuff.


Anybody want to see the skills I created for my Bard class in MV? 


Also, there's some pictures of what Alto looks like in MV's character creator below. Older, younger, oldest. I have a few more pictures, but I can't post them all at once because the files are are making the attachment too large.

I am currently working on a survival horror rpg game (heavily inspired by Corpse Party) and have been brainstorming. All honest critiques will be appreciated, I really want to know what others think of the story and will do my best to improve. Thank you to all who are giving me valuable feedbacks. Here is what I got:


Story Line:


A group of high school students decide to go watch a popular horror film on a weekend night (This popular horror film featuring the ghost girl comes out with a new title every year to retrieve students with unfortunate lives from her high school). The main protagonist orders the tickets online, though the only theater the film was playing in was a theater that is known to be shut down years ago.The group of students believe the theater is back in business and decide to go. When they arrived the theater looked lively with lights on and people talking casually. (1st sign) When they go in the movie room they were surprised at the fact no one except a little girl was sitting on the corner seat .(2nd sign) The students find out that the movie was a live footage of a tragedy that happened to a group of students on the same day 10 years ago when they realized the victims were in the same uniform as them. The killing and the screams in the film was way too brutal and shocking and was beyond what a movie could capture to be just a movie. Suddenly the girl sitting in the corner started laughing out loud. The students leave the room immediately only to find out the whole theater was the complete opposite of what the theater looked like a little while ago. Thinking about their lives, the Students take their phone out for light and rush to the exit. Once they got out, they all rush for student dorm. That night the students fall asleep scared and thinking there was something strangely odd about the girl in the theater who seemed to be wearing the school uniform. Then Yumi wakes up in the middle of the night realizing she was in an unfamiliar house along with everyone else . Then the mystery begins…..


Short Summary/Clarification: So basically these group of students are stuck in a dream after triggering the main antagonist who is a ghost girl (has the ability to turn dream into reality) by looking at her face. Whoever looks at her face is affected by the curse of the girl. She seeks revenge on students from this particular high school for many reasons but primarily because she was bullied a lot in the same high school and the feeling of needed in this world led to her death one day.


Ghost Girl: We currently don't have a name for her yet therefore we mention her as "ghost girl" to specify.


Objectives: Find clues in the house and ways to get out of it. Basically as a developer (us), by the time the students leave the house or (not leave depending on good or bad ending)  we want the players to have learned everything that can be learned about the unfamiliar house, and the ghost girl who brought them .


Gameplay: There will be no battles/conflicts as this is a horror survival game, the game will be primarily hide/run type of game.


Things to solve for us:


Exactly what caused the tragedy 20 years? whats the story behind it? Why is the killer targeting this group of kids? What does the killer want?


Of course there will be many many more questions. Will be happy to hear your questions too.


Thank you and sorry if some of the things don't make sense, I am still brainstorming so some things are subject to change. I think I am capable of making this into a great story.


I understand that some key factors may be missing and will be happy to provide more to the story/plot if anyone would like me to. (ex: I have a whole page that describes each of the main characters and how they are connected to each other but I believe plot/story line is important to set before we bring the characters in, I can bring in the characters later if requested)

Hey, I was wondering if I could get some feedback


The first arc of my story is set in a deep forest where theres a library full of lore of the world and a important item and also a temple and a house that belongs to a Elf


my problem is though that i'm having difficulties writing for this Elf she's meant to be a guardian of one of the 9 scrolls


in my game there are 9 scrolls protected by someone of each of 9 elements but i'm having trouble writing for the earth guardian this elf


She'd be a outdoors person and love to be outdoors and she'd also be a bit fun but overtime she'd become annoyed that she can't live in peace as people keep coming to the forest to use the library so she trys to then stop people from disturbing her peace


the problem is though that i'm bothered by this as the arc doesn't sound very good


The arc is about the party 2 members currently trying to find the library and the important item and then enter the temple to find out the whereabouts of the other scrolls and then during the time in the forest they have to fight the elf to get her scroll


if anyone could give me some feedback and or help on some good ideas to write the arc would be helpul thankyou


I put the Elf below her names Hikari and she wears like a bit of cloth over her chest and some shorts as she uses her magic to travel the forest quickly

I'm looking for feedback as well.

Well here's my little contribution...


I may be a more of a fantasy trope fiend than some but if she's an earth guardian why does she live in the forest? In fact, why is she an elf?


There's obviously no reason At All why she can't be, but people who play fantasy games tend be up on what species does what and that does - for me - stand out.


What's her motivation? Why is she guarding the scroll, does she resent guarding the scroll - was she forced into it or was she just born to it, or did she take the job on, perhaps enthusiastically at first but over the centuries she has come to hate it.


It sounds from what you've written as if she's kind of not really suited or really wanting to do it.


That being said, why would the party need to fight her for the scroll?


Is it that she's not really wanting the job but unable to *not* protect the scroll, or is it that they force her into a corner and the only way out is to fight, or is that she's just really crabby and doesn't want to give up the scroll and so they are forced to fight?


I think it's got the start of a good story but there are a lot of "why's?" in it at the moment, if you see what I mean. I think you could have something there though, with a bit of fleshing out. :)


That's what I think anyway!

Thanks for the feedback


She's a elf as in the magic world of Allium the setting there are loads of different species and thought Elf and Forest fitted together and theres a lot of like earth and forestry so I thought would suit her to being there


The previous Earth Guardian as every couple of generations the Scrolls are given to certain people in the magic world to guard and the previous guardian of the Scroll of Earth chose to give it to Hikari and as she loved the outdoors and nature she seemed the perfect fit and she liked it at first but she wants to live a peaceful life in her forest but people keep coming in to go to the library and she's sick of it she doesn't want people to keep disturbing her peace


The party have to fight her as there are sacred rules in Allium that to get a scroll you have to fight the guardian in a magic battle as theres a war every couple generations where someone decides to collect the scrolls but for the wrong reasons and the party are trying to get them before this person gets them all but in order to get a scroll you have to beat the guardian of that element in a magic battle


So Hikari fights them as she also wants them out of her home so she can have her peace back as she's against the war happening again and doesn't want to be a part of it she just wants her peace and to have the forest to herself but she can't have that with the collection of scrolls happening again she's forced to be involved in it


but I wasn't sure I liked that and wanted to make her more cheerful and playful and like a outdoorsy girl but having trouble writing the arc


Her motivation is to not disappoint the other scroll guardians by failing to protect her scroll


She's a elf because it fit the idea of a forest arc


She's guarding the scroll because she was chosen as the next Scroll of Earth guardian and has to protect it from people who come to take it


Scrolls can only be taken from scroll guardians by fighting them


You have to show you have the potential and the strength to be in the Magic War and fight in the war as the scroll guardians don't want to put people in danger you have to show you can fight in the Magic War by defeating them in battle and getting all 9 scrolls from them


Also who ever has 9 has the power to destroy the world so the party is trying to stop someone from doing that

Any feedbacks for me would be appreciated.

Oh that sounds like a creepy pasta! Sounds pretty good! You don't hear stories about haunted theaters that often. I got scared when I heard Corpse Party inspired (those tend to be rip offs), but this seems pretty original :)


I think it would be cool for the game to take place actually in the theater rather than a dorm room, but that's just personal taste. I don't think a game has ever taken place in a theater.


Is this a suicide or did she accidentally die as the result of a prank or something? I think the latter would be cool if the group of friends seemed/acted very similar to the group that bullied her and that was reflected in the 'movie' with the kids in the similar school uniform. And if the characters saw people eerily similar to themselves in the 'movie' it would make it extra creepy. Suicide in horror games/movies/ect. that play out with a vengeful spirit is really cliche as well 


Errr there was a group of kids bullying her, by pulling a mean prank or something, that somehow resulted in her death. I'm not exactly sure how this would happen, but I keep thinking of the book Stealing Mr. Griffin when this group of kids kidnapped their mean teacher as a prank and decided to leave him in an abandoned house overnight, but it turns out he had a heart condition and died. Hey, that exact thing would actually work for the story, hah. Would explain the house pretty well ;)  


The killer is targeting them because they remind her a lot of the group of kids that tormented her. The killer wants justice for what happens to her. She doesn't realize that the group of kids that she's targeting aren't the group of kids that resulted in her death. 


Or, more interestingly, the girl is doing this to them BECAUSE the group of characters actually do bully people, at least somewhat (even if they don't realize it). Down with the innocent protagonists that are in every horror game like this (Corpse Party, Ao Oni, ect.). Maybe the characters don't even realize that they bully people (usually bullies don't) and the ghost girl makes them realize that they are actually kinda s. 


Sorry lol I get carried away. 

First of all thank you so much for taking your time to read through my story. I really do appreciate your feed backs, it helps me a lot to improve on my story when someone gives honest feed backs.




Sorry for the confusion but the story was planned to take place in a house where the ghost girl suicide. The dorm was just a place where they would fall asleep and be transported to the house of the ghost girl where the majority of the story takes place. I believe the house of the ghost girl was appropriate for the setting because it is a place she knows a lot about and knows her way around while the students have no idea what they are involved into, a trap house. Of course I am more than happy to hear your side of why a movie theater would also qualify as one other than the fact that not many games have used theaters as a setting. I do however would love to have the theater as a major theme of the story because this whole theater idea came from an actual personal experience of mine.




She did suicide. I do like that idea I think a good solution would be to make few of the lead students in the story the same impression of the group that bullied the ghost girl. I would like to have different personalities since I am gonna make it so the whole group of students don't actually know each other that well since there are few transfer students from another school. I do see your point and do agree with you :)


Can you explain to me how it would explain the house pretty well? I would love to know.


I actually like this, being made fun of or pranked by large variety of students (not just one common group) would also make it hard to pinpoint exactly who bullied her thats why she wants justice from pretty much all the students since they all seemed to act the same way towards her. I was thinking of adding a homeroom teacher but thought it wasn't necessarily if he or she doesn't play a big role in the story. I have some more major and minor characters that I also haven't mentioned in the story yet.




I like this too. But I think since the ghost girl sees practically every student from this particular the same way it isn't necessarily to make this particular group of students bully also. :)


Let me know if you have anymore clarifications or questions in general. Thank you so much for your time!

This has great potential for an epic sweep for the events of the game.  I can see the Bloodborne influence clearly.  Lovecraftian, too, by way of Bloodborne; it also reminds me of the Primordial War in Exalted, which you may want to look at.


You REALLY should not be naming the Mother of Monsters 'Virgo,' though.  That literally means 'virgin.'  May I suggest naming her after Echidna or another 'mother of monsters' figure?