In the story I've been developing, I want the main antagonistic force to be rather obscure, but tied to the tourism agency of the country you primarily explore. The reason for this is:
- The tourism agency presupposes a historical awareness of the country
- They have tons of excess capital owing to their trade, and can lobby to successfully stall or accelerate policy they want established.
- They grew out of the foundations of a Hero Cult for the country's founder
Your quest will essentially amount to them getting what they want, as you are asked to deliver an object to an unspecified recipient. The issue here is that the agency wants you to keep travelling, as the object in question is a lattice, a crystalline object that is basically like a consciousness-USB device. The longer the protagonist is in contact with it, the more the consciousness within can 'sync up' with his, and with the right 'trigger event', you could render one unto the other, thus restoring the consciousness kept in the prism to the living avatar.
The consciousness in question would be the founder of the country you play in, with the Hero Cult fulfilling its prescribed program. With this consciousness restored to them, they would ally themselves with his Will instantaneously- no matter what he asks.
The result of this would indeed be 'losing' the protagonist, which is likely where an intermission of sorts would occur.
Plot and Character Feedback
● ARCHIVED · READ-ONLY
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This has great potential for an epic sweep for the events of the game. I can see the Bloodborne influence clearly. Lovecraftian, too, by way of Bloodborne; it also reminds me of the Primordial War in Exalted, which you may want to look at.
You REALLY should not be naming the Mother of Monsters 'Virgo,' though. That literally means 'virgin.' May I suggest naming her after Echidna or another 'mother of monsters' figure?
If that's what it means then I'm certain that I'm NOT going to change it! The poetic background of a "Virgin Mother" is both symbolic and creative/interesting. Besides, I never went into detail as to how the children came into being. ;) -
Here's some lore I developed for the background to a religious cult system in my world.
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Roughly 1,250 years ago, the primary hub of 'civilization' was concentrated in the Theocratic union of Aclodius, where the religion of the Azerama more or less suffused every aspect of life. The means by which the mediation was achieved was not through a covenant a la Old Testament, but through a daily baptism of sorts, repeated every day so that the soul would retain orientation.
After a long and successful stint of philosophical, theological, and cultural success, there was a 'rupture'- not a schism, for that was yet to come. But a traumatic wound of sorts was inflicted on the Azerama. A man proclaiming to be a prophet going by the vain title of Univeram (the One True) began proselytizing, suggesting that when it came to the faith of Azeram, what mattered in the Soul was one's Mind. Since in the Acclodian dialect "Blache" meant mind, this new division of the 'faith' called itself Azeram-Blache.
Now, the faith of the Azeram was curiously agnostic on these sorts of problems. It never felt the need to posit such theological disputation before, and took things like 'mind' and 'body' for granted. But now opposition crept in- whether for actual theological or politically opportune reasons, one cannot say. But they began going by the name of "Azeram-Vot", or Azeram-Body as it were. But it was not over. The political and cultural hegemony that had formerly existed in a sort of ever-blooming filigree found itself shocked to the core of its being.
Before Acclodius would collapse under internal pressure, yet one more cult would be born- "Azeram-Seq" a cult that attempted to unite the two dissenting parties via a shared substance, "pneuma" if we're being technical or "blood" if transcribed sloppily. As Acclodius eventually collapsed under this lack of direction and many of the lowly in the large city were brutally slaughtered, the faith split off into various directions and sub-sects... The Azeram Mythos became part and parcel of modern civilizations everywhere, but nobody really understood why this theological dispute proved so damning to them. -
Hello! I have this idea.... For a deep engaging story... But i don't know if i can keep going. Help me decide!
I even made a Playable Teaser that unfolds the prologue and how the main game will start:
So... If you have some time tell me what you think. -
If that's what it means then I'm certain that I'm NOT going to change it! The poetic background of a "Virgin Mother" is both symbolic and creative/interesting. Besides, I never went into detail as to how the children came into being. ;)
Fair enough - I just wanted to make sure you knew the implications. -
If that's what it means then I'm certain that I'm NOT going to change it! The poetic background of a "Virgin Mother" is both symbolic and creative/interesting. Besides, I never went into detail as to how the children came into being. ;)
I think it's a good idea actually.
There's all sorts of story available there just based around the name and it's implications; it's paradox, or it's ironic.
I mean let's face it, one of our own myth cycles centers on a woman who gave birth as an acknowledged virgin, and she's done alright... -
Hopefully I'm in the right place for this (Forums confuse me something chronic)
I have a pretty laid out plot for a game but I just want some people to run by it and see if it's worth actually making.
You play as a Surveyor. A being who's only purpose in life is to explore new worlds with a small fleet (currently settling at 6) and figure out if such a world is viable for colonization. Although appearing human they are genetically very different, to the point where they can modify their gene code to help adapt to the world around them. As a side effect, many humans look poorly upon the Surveyors. Even more so as upon being created they automatically outrank all ship captains in their fleet.
The story starts when during a routine wormhole jump, the wormhole collapses, causing the entire fleet to fall to the planet below. With engines and communications out due to a damaged reactor, you head out to explore the planet in search of the other ships and end up surveying the planet as you explore.
As it turns out it is an almost perfect Earth like planet, but a species has already evolved on the planet and the most advanced of the cultures's technology is late medieval.
The rest of the ships also have the same problem of a damaged reactor. One of the ship captain however has discovered that each of the cultures on the planet have what they consider a holy relic. Each "relic" can generate a huge amount of energy, easily enough to power the ships and leave the planet. But by taking the relics you'll be destroying the cultures of this world, and non are just going to let you take them.
You must decide whether to save your people, or spare the locals. Both have their merits and downfalls, and there will be people who oppose you on both sides.
Or maybe you'll decide to abandon the humans all together and join one of the local cultures, on their quests to obtain the other relics and fulfill an ancient prophecy, that states that when all the relics are combined, those who obtained the relics will gain the powers of the gods themselves.
The entire plot will be very branchy from this back bone, and will lead to a number of different endings. Each being fairly different from the rest. -
uhm hi ._.
I've been drawing this comic on the back of my math worksheets and I think it's about time to turn it into a RPG haha
There really is no plot of the comic (but I aim to change that with the RPG)...it's just 4 frenemies pulling pranks on dungeon bosses and stealing stuff from treasure chests because they have nothing better to do (keep in mind this takes place in an era without the internet :p)
All I have is the logo so far...but I assume the plot is going to be humorous...and scary...and predictable...
Is this worth building on? -
I... I think I need help for thinking up Plot. I think I should explain how my world works...?
My magic is... I guess you could say that music and sound is a big part of how it works. Every place and everyone is named after musical terms. Of course, Silence is really bad. My main character Alto (a Bard) is particulary afraid of being inflicted of it (is it possible to have that be an actual Event? Like, the first time he's inflicted by a Silence effect, he goes into a panic attack?).
So what I was picturing for a villain was: some sort of ancient being of Darkness (in the beginning there was nothing but darkness and chaotic magic) that was there at the creation of the world, but was defeated by my main Goddess, who is a being of Light. Or so she thought. Turns out the villain was just biding their time until they gained more strength and could attack again. They did so, creating lots of monsters in the process (demons, imps, enc) and I think using some sort of powerful Silencing spell/some sort of shrouding spell that didn't permit the Gods to communicate with their created forces (for example, Taiko is the God of Spirit and is the reason Undead and magically possessed objects exist in this world) and nullified their instruments so even if they could communicate with them, the signal would be useless, and since they can control their forces through said instruments, that's bad because now they're going out of control (static in their minds driving them berzerk?) and attacking people (and possibly eachother).
The pantheon manages to break through and face off against the villain head on. Again. The battle ends in victory, but bittersweetly. The villain is driven back once more, and is even weaker now. But my main Goddess, Symphony, is wounded badly and dies. Or at the very least, she's incapacitated enough that she might as well be dead anyway. Naturally, since the other Gods and Goddesses save for the other head of the pantheon (her husband) are her children, they're not too happy to watch their mom pass away before their eyes. Though she gives them one last gift: a daughter, whom they name Sirena, filled with her essence of Light (if that makes any sense).
However, now the villain is starting to gather power again and my heroes have noticed something seems off lately...
Things I've thought up are:
Character Development Sidequests! These allow, obviously, character development and building relationships within the party. Minuet's is "I want to be an Archmage!" (something that's very rare in this world, because it takes years of training and either they die in their journey or they find a character class that they like on their way up the ranks and just stick with it), Quintus's is becoming a Paladin, and Alto's and Aria's I don't know yet. Whether or not you do these sidequests will effect your ending, particularly Quintus's.
Crafting system. Thanks Yanfly!
Multiple endings are fun!
SpoilerPossible plot point: Minuet has, as part of her questline, become a Witch class. They have the powers of Darkness on their side (though the lady who was going to teach her mostly just uses it for practical jokes, but her daughter on the other hand...)... and considering that the villain and his lackeys are of that element... yeeeeah... my possible idea is having her be part of the reason the baddie is becoming stronger unknowingly. She reacts... badly. Like, Heroic BSOD trope bad.
Plot point: Quintus is critically wounded (like got run through the chest) by an enemy with a cursed demonic sword. He manages to survive thanks to... something they have in their possession (assuming you HAVE the item in your inventory anyway, because he'll die otherwise) that I have no idea what it is yet. But, what the party doesn't know (because Quin never told them because he didn't want them to worry) is that Quintus's soul was corrupted from the result of the wound he got from that battle and if it's not purified (which I think I'm planning on having the Paladin sidequest help with that), then he'll be able to be possessed by the bad guys and he'll end up attacking the party at endgame and you have no choice but to kill him. Minuet, who's actually fallen for him at this point, isn't happy about this. None of them are, because he was friends with them.
Speaking of Quintus... his past is thus: He used to be a Knight, part of a group of five. Lyric, Harp, Sonore, Legato and Quintus were some of the finest Knights Sonata City ever had. Quintus was much younger at the time (by the time we meet him he's in his 30s-40s, whereas he's a teenager/in his twenties in this flashback), and they recieve a mission to investigate something in a town somewhere... which turns out to be the villain's lackeys attacking the residents/causing trouble in general. Unfortunately, despite their skills, they are quickly overwhelmed by said lackeys partially due to numbers (five against who knows how many enemies? Not gonna end well) and partially because they've never fought creatures like these before. Quintus is the only survivor of the attack (even the town got wrecked), and the only reason he survived was because his comrades forced him to leave them behind (his wounds were the least bad and they figured that he was too young to die) so that he could bring word back to their king about their failed mission and so the city can prepare itself in case they're attacked as well. Quin regretfully follows orders and leaves his friends to die, riding on horseback to the kingdom. He collapses at the castle gates and passes out from pain and exhaustion.
Quintus quits the force not long after, and he's just... kind of wandering when the party finds him. The reason he joins the group (despite not really liking any of them initially) is because he's fought the baddies before (not the main villain but at least their lackeys) and thusly knows somewhat how they work and because they needed someone tougher on the team anyways. He hates Alto's nickname for him, Quin, because everytime he hears it he remembers his comrades used to call him that. But he doesn't tell Alto this until a certain point in the story, which pisses off Alto since one of his greatest fears is not being trusted enough which means that people won't tell him when something is wrong, so when it comes to a head, he can't help them get through it until it's already too late.
Alto has a Music Box in his inventory that's one of his prized possessions from his childhood. It gets destroyed at some point and he's heartbroken.
Also, planning for this to be a series with a continuing storyline. Characters age each game. -
Hopefully I'm in the right place for this (Forums confuse me something chronic)
I have a pretty laid out plot for a game but I just want some people to run by it and see if it's worth actually making.
You play as a Surveyor. A being who's only purpose in life is to explore new worlds with a small fleet (currently settling at 6) and figure out if such a world is viable for colonization. Although appearing human they are genetically very different, to the point where they can modify their gene code to help adapt to the world around them. As a side effect, many humans look poorly upon the Surveyors. Even more so as upon being created they automatically outrank all ship captains in their fleet.
The story starts when during a routine wormhole jump, the wormhole collapses, causing the entire fleet to fall to the planet below. With engines and communications out due to a damaged reactor, you head out to explore the planet in search of the other ships and end up surveying the planet as you explore.
As it turns out it is an almost perfect Earth like planet, but a species has already evolved on the planet and the most advanced of the cultures's technology is late medieval.
The rest of the ships also have the same problem of a damaged reactor. One of the ship captain however has discovered that each of the cultures on the planet have what they consider a holy relic. Each "relic" can generate a huge amount of energy, easily enough to power the ships and leave the planet. But by taking the relics you'll be destroying the cultures of this world, and non are just going to let you take them.
You must decide whether to save your people, or spare the locals. Both have their merits and downfalls, and there will be people who oppose you on both sides.
Or maybe you'll decide to abandon the humans all together and join one of the local cultures, on their quests to obtain the other relics and fulfill an ancient prophecy, that states that when all the relics are combined, those who obtained the relics will gain the powers of the gods themselves.
The entire plot will be very branchy from this back bone, and will lead to a number of different endings. Each being fairly different from the rest.
It's an interesting idea, and one that could potentially see some very "grey" decision making - which is a good thing.
However, if I may:
Why would the inhabitants of the planet allow the newcomers to take their relics given that the taking of them would destroy their own planet? That's a major point you'd need to deal with I think.
Secondly, it might make for more tension if all but one of the ships had a damaged reactor maybe, and you had to get to that ship but the captain of that ship was hostile because you are... different, you should make more of that as not only is your character different from the crew he\she was with, but equally different from the planet (s)he finds themselves on - plenty of scope for intrigue and conflict and what-have-you there.
Another option might be that you need to take parts from 5 of the ships to repair the 6th, and then power it.
Although it's certainly got some possibilities I'd worry about you running out of branches and the game grinding to a halt, and introducing a degree of "Ludo-narrative Dissonance" to the game:
"We have to get off this planet, I'll need your energy source."
"But you'll destroy us!"
"Tough."
Player - "But I don't want to destroy this civilization, they are totally innocent!"
Game - "Well it's either that or you and all the rest of the survivors are stranded on the planet."
Player - "But I don't want that to happen!"
There's a danger of what the player wants and is invested in, differing from what the game is trying to make the player do. That could be off-putting...
It's certainly a nice idea though. :) -
Hello, i wanted people to give me feedback on the story im using for the short game im making!! *could grow or be built on so ill edit this post when required :D*
since im bad at story telling i would appreciate any tips, feedback and criticism, good or bad!!!
The game world is set in fantasy style, RPG.. not sure how to explain it better xD
the game style would be an RPG, choosing ffrom 4 main characters, planning on making convos different to all of them depending on their personality...
the game would use monster essence as the primary equipment...
Lore (??)
SpoilerSpoiler
monsters in this world are created by blood containing spirit powers landing on elemental soul stones... the fire elemental soul stones for example lead to monsters with fire attribute.
using a fire attribute essence would give you some fire magical spells if you are an invoker, or physical skills with little to non elemental spells if you are a warrior.
the humans were driven to almost extinction by the monsters, and scattered to many smaller settlements as big cities attracts monsters of high ranks to attack...
withing those smaller settlements some would have academies, a place of education to invokers, and sometimes to warriors aswell...the Main character (refered to as MC from now on : D) is training to become an invoker or a warrior.. as higher rank invoker\warriors get more stature and live in a more comfortable situations..
also trying to get the elderly couple that raised him into a safer settlement as he advances to return the favor of saving him.
a world where the strong are recognized and the weak struggle, with everyone trying to survive daily...not a battle of good vs evil but a survival of the strongest.
the invokers have higher spiritual management, causing them to be able to extract the magic abilities out of essences better, while warrior use that same spiritual energy unconsciously to enhance their bodies abilities.
*more lore to be added??*
Main story
SpoilerSpoiler
the story begins with a character called blake, hes an apprentice invoker\warrior..
the game starts with a scene of a burning house in the middle of a forest...
even though it is raining the flames are spread everywhere ...Blake wakes up in front of the house,
his vision blurry and body is heavy..he turns around to see the house almost charred and burned to ground,
he staggers and walks towards the house and calls for his parents...with no answer,
turning around he heads to the bodies of his sibilings, no responce.
his mother and father assumed dead in the burning house, bodies of his brother and sister thrown
outside with no sign of movement or life.
He tries to recall what happened, a large horde of monsters attacked the house lead by a nightmare demon
magical fires burning the house...the rest is blur.
hearing a screech in the forest he gets scared, turns around and tries to escape..just before leaving
he turns around and apolgizes to his family for not being able to save them or properly bury them.
and heads towards the town for refuge, along the way he finds a monster essence, invokers\warriors
use those to enhance their strength and magic to be able to fight on par with monsters.
a blue tiger essence, an extremely rare type..he equips it to fend himself against the chasing monsters
being an invoker he does it with ease, and continues on with his way, he starts to move easier after
equipping the spirit..it enhanced his attributes.
following the trail to the town, he finds the nightmare demon awaiting him..knowing that hes chasing him
and wont leave him alone he decided to fight and take revenge.
the scene changes back to the hut where on of the siblings starts awakening ..."er...ergh...."
again the scene goes back to Blake, he has suffered deadly injuries, yet he
defeated the Nightmare demon...but in its place a weird round shadow took place.
"d..o.....your...wor..st.." Blake says, the scene fades out with the shadow attacking and blake screaming.
and the game begins 11 years later.
the sibling that awoke in the forest the night miraculously survived and was found by an old couple that took him\her in and raised him\her for the past 11 years.
its the day of the academy exam, and you are to partake the invoker\warrior exams (tutorial) and begin to adventure on your own (not following a story line, but can find clues about what happened in the past scattered around)
will try to update soon with more of the story, i just need some inspiration from above : D
*posted this in the wrong place...forums are confusing x.x* -
@Balako Hello! Here's my feedback for you. I'm going to start with a negative and then go onto positives, if that's ok!
First off, your lore comes across as quite confusing. You use too many new terms like "blood containing spirit powers" without explaining them first. (E.g. how do spirit powers contain blood? What do "spirit powers" mean in your world; do you mean power as in "higher powers" or as in "ability" powers?)
Basically you've used so many new words that, instead of it being more descriptive, it's confusing! I think you can either include more context, or just be more simple with your descriptions. Use fewer words and literally treat the audience as if they don't know anything -- define what spirit powers and soul stones are before you start talking about them, so you can be crystal clear.
2) The part with "protecting the elderly couple" and the "survival of the strongest" sound like great story concepts. =D I think they're quite uncommon and could really make a game stand out. And the difference between invokers and warriors is well thought-out.
Main story:
The intro with the burning house sounds wonderfully dramatic. It'd also be a great opportunity to show off some fancy fire effects. If I can suggest something - after Blake wakes up you should definitely give the player immediate control of him. I think it would be really powerful to let the player walk around and discover the bodies of the siblings themselves. And after that you can go to flashback.
A point of confusion though: you said the game only begins ~11 years later~. Does that mean we only watch the entire intro segment, and don't actually battle during the intro battles? Personally I feel this would be a good opportunity to do one or two taster battles (especially the first one where Blake is overpowered and wins easily). You already have a good framework for the actual tutorials, so this doesn't need changing. I just think sitting through cutscenes where you watch battles rather than actually do them is a drag (unless they're really short.)
And lastly I'm a big fan of the storytelling style where you find clues! Bear in mind though a story is always more powerful when it includes developed characters, and you haven't talked about your characters much. I think that could be your next area of development.
Edit: I forgot to mention, isn't 4 characters a little excessive? It would be a LOT of work and I think just 3 or even 2 characters would already enough if you wanted character variation. -
The intro with the burning house sounds wonderfully dramatic. It'd also be a great opportunity to show off some fancy fire effects. If I can suggest something - after Blake wakes up you should definitely give the player immediate control of him. I think it would be really powerful to let the player walk around and discover the bodies of the siblings themselves. And after that you can go to flashback.
thats exactly what im doing... with a couple battles to test the "soul" he aquires and followed by a short battle against the boss
as for the characters, im really trying to find a new mix, as much as i love musclehead energetic fella setup it sounds a bit plain ...
you think they would be overwhelming?? im not sure since i just started like couple weeks ago ....but i wanted it like 2 invokers and 2 warriors pick from start *with male female choices in each.
and i agree about the first part, i really told it like everyone knew what im talking about, thanks for telling me >.<
and do you think adding lore in random books and libraries would be better than hinting it in story??
sorry if i forgot to mention anything of the above, but i really appreciate the feedback, more so the whats done wrong before the right!! -
thats exactly what im doing... with a couple battles to test the "soul" he aquires and followed by a short battle against the boss
Ah ok then. Sorry if I'm telling you stuff you were already going to do, lol.
I don't think a new mix of character personalities would be overwhelming! I was just worried you were going to be overambitious by making 4 choose-able characters with different personalities. Because presumably that would mean you write 4 sets of dialogue for the whole game, and a person could make 4 separate playthroughs? If you want to do that and you feel like it's not too much work though, then by all means go for it. =)
I think the books in the libraries for lore is a great idea. It gives you a way to clearly explain the lore without it seeming weird. And after you do that, you can also have characters talk about it in the story without the player getting as confused.
And that's ok about the feedback lol. Obviously I'm not perfect so don't completely take my word for it ^^ it's just my opinion, but I hope it helps. -
no one is, thats why we ask for feedback!
thanks for taking the time for that xD -
Nobody gives me any feedback in this particular thread. I've posted plot stuff here twice, and nobody comments on it at all. By the time someone notices it by now, I've probably figured out stuff or changed stuff or whatever...
*sigh* -
@Little Adventurer Oh sorry lol! I'm fairly new here and I just commented on the most recent post. If you've got more stuff tho I'll probs be back here later. Can't say the same for anyone else though, the threads do seem fairly slow...
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Nobody gives me any feedback in this particular thread. I've posted plot stuff here twice, and nobody comments on it at all. By the time someone notices it by now, I've probably figured out stuff or changed stuff or whatever...
*sigh*
Sometimes all it takes is a bit of time for things to work themselves out. But let me go ahead and take a crack at it for you, if you'd like. Might need a smaller summary though, xD. -
i have a hard time navigating forums xD
and i only knew about this thread while asking for feedback on a thread i made o_O
imagine that ...hi can you tell me what you think of that story??...there is another thread for stories....O, cool ...
@Little Adventurer isnt it the bard story? i liked the concept ...i dont think im the best person here to give out ideas not even a decent one haha -
*nods*