Plot and Character Feedback

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Started by Lunarea 1231 posts Page 21 of 62 View original ↗
  1. captainproton
    #401 Source
    Thewindlord said:
    Of course mine gets ignored.
    Okay, for future reference, don't pout. It's unattractive. Not everyone can drop everything and give immediate feedback.

    But, since you seem so desperate, your premise actually seems really interesting. But going on your description, it sounds better suited for a Dishonored/Assassin's Creed/Thief style game than an RPG. It would probably even make a good novel. Again, going purely by the description, it doesn't seem like it would work well with RM's mechanics. Again, this is going purely on the description.

    I'd also like to know more about the setting and the other characters.
  2. Thewindlord
    #402 Source
     I guess that was a bit of an rear end in a top hat thing for me to say, but whatever. It's just really annoying when you have nobody around you who's even vaguely interested in writing, and can't get any feedback whatsoever.

     Anyways, it probably would have been more suited towards other genres, but due to my current financial situation and lack of resources, I think RPG Maker is probably my best tool here, especially because it's mostly a hobby project. It's probably going to end up more of a graphical novel with heavy rpg elements. 

     Anyways, it's set in an alternate universe in the middle of the renaissance era in an alternate universe. There are six primary super-power continents (but only three of them play a significant role in the plot). The only ones that are particularly relevant right now are Horun, Teris, and Siphia.  Horun had, for many hundreds of years since it's creation, had served as one of the greatest trade empires of all time. However, after Holy King Joseph III took the crown, the nation has evolved into a military state of sorts over the last three generations of kings, enforcing and destroying anyone and anything that does not believe in their religion. Horun was able to effectively isolate themselves through effective use of choke points (or something. I'm still trying to figure out how they isolated themselves, but they did. Just go with it.). Slowly, the Seraph rebellion formed, and yada yada yada.

     Teris is among the biggest nations in the world. It is headed by King insertstocknamehere. The king dies relatively early in the game, and Prince Vasen secedes him. You see, the king had three children, all male. There is Prince Serin, the eldest prince, who was stripped of his heir status after freeing six prisoners he deemed innocent. He has the tendency to come off as a huge rear end in a top hat, and is known for his love of gambling and drinking. He is often referred to as The Red Brute among the civilians, due to his short temper and escewed moral compass. Eventually, after attempting to poison the king, he was sentenced to death. After escaping the prison, he went on the form the Black Blades (Again, placeholder name for his rebellion). I'll go into more info on him at a later date, anyways. Just know that the game begins around this point.

     Prince Lillian is the youngest of the princes. He's even more disliked than Serin. He's easily one of the nation's biggest s. He's rebellious, spoiled, and giggles in delight at other people's frustrations. He gets along surprisingly well with Serin, due to their rather compatible personalities, but despises his older brother, Vasen, more than anything. He's not really completely fleshed out yet, so I'm gonna skip over him for now.

     Vasen. He's scholarly, brave, and a born leader. He's always willing to help somebody if they genuinely need it, but gets fed up of constant requests very quickly. He despises his newfound position of king quite a bit. He was always the bookworm of the three brothers, and has had an incredible lust for knowledge and exploration. BY FAR the most loved prince by the people, he is commanding and powerful. Him and Serin got along surprisingly well, but when situations put them on opposite sides of the board, the two quickly realize that they can't hold back. 

     I'm sorry I haven't said enough, but jesus christ I can't stand typing descriptions like this. I'll go into more detail at a later date.
  3. captainproton
    #403 Source
    The premise an the setting sound really cool. Again I can easily see this being turned into a novel. If you're not sure how to implement the exact type of gameplay you want with the resources available to you (and this strikes me as something which would take a TON of scripting to effectively get the Assassin's Creed-style mechanics it seems like you want, based on the desc.) you may want to consider altering your original premise--just a few tweaks. Like, instead of focusing on assassinations, which would require those stealth mechanics, you could have your character try to wage an open rebellion: fighting enemy troops, destroying ships or supply lines, taking out fortifications or destroying Secret Weapons. Y'know: fight people, blow stuff up. A visual novel game could work, but the story seems engaging enough that people would want to actually get in there and wreak some havoc instead of just clicking through dialogue, solving the occasional puzzle.
  4. Thewindlord
    #404 Source
    captainproton said:
    The premise an the setting sound really cool. Again I can easily see this being turned into a novel. If you're not sure how to implement the exact type of gameplay you want with the resources available to you (and this strikes me as something which would take a TON of scripting to effectively get the Assassin's Creed-style mechanics it seems like you want, based on the desc.) you may want to consider altering your original premise--just a few tweaks. Like, instead of focusing on assassinations, which would require those stealth mechanics, you could have your character try to wage an open rebellion: fighting enemy troops, destroying ships or supply lines, taking out fortifications or destroying Secret Weapons. Y'know: fight people, blow stuff up. A visual novel game could work, but the story seems engaging enough that people would want to actually get in there and wreak some havoc instead of just clicking through dialogue, solving the occasional puzzle.
     I guess I didn't really phrase it right. There is plenty of open rebellion, but I'm currently working on the stealth gameplay. There won't be a ton of it, and it's going to be relatively simple, but I think it'll serve it's purpose. If things don't work and I have to edit the plot, then so I will.

     Also, if you care, expect a recruitment thread in the upcoming week or two.
  5. Ikari
    #405 Source
    I have returned with my plot and characters, all refurbished/refined as I have finished writing them out and am satisfied.

    Hopefully you like it and I am more than happy to receive feedback on it.

    Story Synopsis

    Spoiler
    The story primarily focuses on two perspectives of characters; a married couple, and soldiers from a military.

    Libra, a calm and laid-back baker spends his life married to his hyperactive wife, Angela. Each day is often spent in cherishing moments with Libra usually being a laughing stock for his terrible skill in any other area of cooking outside of bakery.

    Lyron, Leiza, and Yevan, partially famous and commonly known in their military as "Delta", have been drafted into their military to fight and sacrifice their lives for their country. While the three are often together and close friends, each one fights for their own reason, whether it be to protect someone, for revenge, or for justice.

    However, as each day passes on, the future may not be as bright as both expect; for every human exists painful hardships, and a lesson taught with pain. Some of them which may drastically change each's way of thinking...
    Also, this may be a unique idea, but I am thinking of releasing my demos of my games in "Episodes" rather than, demo v.1 or v.2, and with each episode, the title screen would be different. So far, this is the storyline of Episode I, which I am about... almost halfway done with. Things tend to get way more serious in Episode II and so on, as I am planning for it to be so. I am also planning for the game to have optional covers for episodes.

    This is my first cover for Episode I:

    gM3GSVs.png

    There is also a second cover, but I'll keep that one hidden, heh heh. But yeah, this basically means that if you want to know the characters beforehand, you can access Episode I, or if you want to get straight into the main story, you can access Episode II. And so on.
    Characters

    Spoiler
    Libra

    Libra is the main protagonist of Graceless Reminisce, and a married civilian living in Gerona City. On the surface, Libra unintentionally displays a personality of someone who tends to be a stick in the sand due to his natural scowl. However, he is not a one-dimensional character, as those who have been with him for so long often see the deeper nature of his personality; a selfless casual, and a smile that resembles that of an old man's to those younger than him.Though, often living a peaceful life with Angela, who teases him for his only good cooking area being in bakery and nothing else, he tends to let her jokes get the better of him. As opposed to Angela, who dotes on young pets such as pups, he has absolutely no interest in having them. While it may be somewhat rare, Libra tends to come out to have a dry sense of humor along with being a bad liar as all of his lies are easily trapped and caught by Angela, who has little to no tolerance to them.

    (Don't worry, they are minor lies, not lies like,

    WERE YOU CHEATING ON ME?

    No.)

    Angela

    Angela is one of the main supporting characters of Graceless Reminisce, and is Libra's wife. She is often a caring, anxious, strong-willed, and somewhat lazy woman. Often, if things go wrong for Anglea, she tends to somewhat put herself down. However, this does not last long since her confidence is often boosted by Libra, as he tends to stray her away from her low self esteem through giving her words of encouragement. As a woman, and as a wife, she values both love and relationship of a family above all else. She can easily easily see through lies, having little to no tolerance to them. One of her targets, easily being a bad liar, Libra. In addition, she dotes on small pets, specifically pups.

    (Don't worry she's not ugly. xDDDDD)

    Lyron

    Lyron is one of the main supporting characters of Graceless Reminisce, and is a member of the Xethan Military. He has a rather mature and cold sort of personality, as he has sacrificed his kind-hearted side in order to withstand the hardships of a soldier. While philosophic and contemplative, he has a flaw of getting discouraged at times. 

     

    Leiza

     

    Leiza is one of the main supporting characters of Graceless Reminisce, and is a member of the Xethan Military. While being the youngest of the "Trio" (their nickname in their military), she can be a rather lazy, weak-willed, and frail woman. Depending on the hobbies of the player or what the player likes, she can be a love/hate character. 

     

    Yevan

     

    Yevan is one of the main supporting characters of Graceless Reminisce, and is a member of the Xetha Military. He is a rather brave, selfless, and thoughtful person with a mature attitude. He is often similar to a "guardian" of both Lyron and Leiza, protecting them whenever they run into a problem or have a fight with others. He can often be seen, at the surface, to be a man who simply has an ideal of absolute justice and knows nothing about pain and sorrow. This is assumed mainly because many are jealous of him.




    Energy/Magic - Reicreia

    Reicreia (pronounced rī-krā-ə), as this power is understood in Graceless Reminisce, is the superhuman art of manipulating the natural energy of one's own body and shifting it into a weapon.However, only a few are able to truly utilize its power, as every other human is born into the Lethargus (don't worry, there's an explanation for this. It's spoilers though.) and is unable to use this power.

    Any experimented or forced use of Reicreia on any member of the Lethargus bloodline will result in the stage of Mavri (death), as its body rejects the materials composed of it.

     

    —TERMS— 

     

    Aeolnology (pronounced a-ole-nology) - The term used for those who study the use of Reicreia. 

     

    —COMMON SIDE EFFECTS— 

     

    Life Span - The length of time for which a human can live is gradually and slowed down. 

    Metabolism - When Reicreia is constantly used without rest, the body's metabolism accelerates as fatigue and head pain arises. 

     

     

    Each human from the Magus bloodlines have their own special and unique type of element. Based on the reports and recordings of the scientists who research the power of Reicreia, when the power of Reicreia is used, each side effect varies depending on the element the user has. 

     

    —SIDE EFFECTS (BASED ON RESEARCH)— 

     

    Fire - A small percentage of blood cells are taken from the existing body in order for the use of this Reicreia type. 

    Water/Blizzard - As the body is made of 70% water, a very small percentage of water is taken from the existing body in order for the use of this Reicreia type. 

    Lightning - Common muscles such as skeletal muscles slowly become decomposed. Small percentages of the muscles are used in order for the use of this Reicreia type. 

    Gale - (Nothing yet) 

    Earth - (Nothing yet) 

    Light/Space-Time - A small percentage of life span is gradually deducted with each use for this Reicreia type. 

    Dark/Absorption - A small percentage of brain cells is deducted for this Reicreia type.
  6. Sami-Fire64
    #406 Source
    I have a somewhat rudimentary plot that I'd like to chuck out just to see what it gets in terms of reactions and feedback. It's in the beginning stages, so I'll probably come back with updates if I think of anything specific that may catch interest.

    A thousand years ago, human civilization was spread out all over the galaxy. Each stellar civilization had a person called an Astronarch [until I think of a better name] who was able to connect with their planet and draw magic out of that connection. Every Astronarch had a magic unique to them and their civilization; the powers were classified as "spheres." Somewhere in the universe, a wicked force festered. A human, possibly an Astronarch him/herself, made a pact with this force, and terrible calamities all befell these civilizations, resulting in humanity's extraterrestrial presences winking out one by one. Another force, one beyond the boundaries of our universe, observed this happening, and interfered: it gathered up the souls of all the Astronarchs slain in the years following the rampant calamities and kept them safe until it would be safe to reincarnate them. When the time came, it sent all of the souls through the cosmos, and all of them were reincarnated on Earth, a planet mysteriously spared from both the dangers of the past and its knowledge. Why Earth? Because the home planets of the Astronarchs were so thoroughly ravaged that there was nowhere else for them to go.

    To say that Earth had been entirely spared from danger is an incorrect statement. The chaotic force that had brought about the downfall of the Astronarchs had spread to Earth at the same time of the reincarnation, and soon a faction formed around it: the Neverans [probably also subject to a name change]. They worshipped the force and gained terrible powers. A basic Neveran officer can encase a civilian's soul in a crystalline structure and remove it from their body; ones the next rank up can do this to the reincarnated Astronarchs and even each other. A third-rank Neveran can force chaotic energy into a person that will either "awaken" them as a Neveran officer (if an unawakened/inactive Astronarch) or corrupt them into a monster (if a civilian). The fourth-rank Neverans who serve as the top of the chain of command can corrupt awakened Astronarchs without turning them into a monster (creating Neveran Astronarchs, of which there are quite a few when the story begins, though they're not exactly as common as normal Astronarchs or Neverans).

    At the time of the player character's awakening, the war between the Astronarch ("Order") and Neveran ("Chaos") factions has been going on for a few years now. Nova City is a strange city with a higher concentration of awakened individuals for either side than nearly anywhere else in the world. The player character is kind of a traditional RPG blank slate whose personality is determined by choices, but I have a feeling that a personality of sorts may arise from the choices I write. The player character's fate is determined by his/her relationships with others and certain other choices. (Fittingly, the player character's sphere is "Potential.") I anticipate that a key motif of the story will be moral dilemmas; a central issue is the debate among the Astronarchs as to whether they should kill their enemies or not.

    One important aspect of the game that I nearly forgot to include is that there's a subplot/all-game sidequest involving the player character visiting their dead planet and discovering their past life and what they were like before the Millenial Fall (the aforementioned calamities). I think that the subplot/quest may be optional, but certain characters will like you more if you visit your home planet, and it'll also unlock some nifty things throughout the game (once I figure out what those things are aside from extra dialogue and possibly a power boost late in the game).

    Some spoilery bits that I feel like throwing out (one of which is an endgame spoiler, uh oh!):

    Spoiler
    - One possible outcome for the player character is being corrupted into a Neveran Astronarch, whether by force or by choice. I'm not sure if this will result in a false ending or an entirely new path; it may depend on time and other constraints.

    - As my plot stands now, there is a good chance that the player character will die at the end of the game. However, I was thinking of perhaps including a True Ending where the player character survives that activates on second playthrough, if there's a way to make RPGMaker recognize such things.
    ...Whew, that took way longer than I thought it would. I don't remember all these details being there a half hour ago... character synopses may come as I figure out who I'm including.
  7. captainproton
    #407 Source
    @sami-fire: I MUST PLAY THIS.

    End of review.
  8. DarknessFalls
    #408 Source
    @sami-fire Becareful of subplots. All to many times I have played games where the main story is over shadowed by the sub plots and you never know what your doing or what the story is about.

    Focus on fleshing out the story and getting the core concepts in place. start with setting up the game and what not and then when your playing (or play testing) youll come across parts where "hey I could tell this other story here"
  9. Sami-Fire64
    #409 Source
    @Kalacious: Good points. I think I'll do a system where you can only advance so far in the B-plot before certain points in the main plot. It'll be pretty optional but encouraged for learning the details of the world. I hope it'll make more sense when I actually implement it.
  10. whitesphere
    #410 Source
    PhoenixFire said:
    Here's the premise of a project I am working on:

    The Sound of Fjords

    The main character of the game is Phoenix, a 19 year-old citizen of the country of Western Wayguard. He decides to go to the small nation of Tynas in the south in order to attend a prestigious university in its capital. Joining him is Athena, his best friend.

    However, a new crisis has emerged: the monarchy of Western Wayguard has been overthrown, replaced by a fascist government lead by the charismatic leader Mayvar Maxim. Caught in the middle of a full-scale invasion of Tynas, Phoenix and Athena decide to take it upon themselves to attempt to negotiate peace as the world teeters on the brink of a second global war.

    Yes, the premise of this game is clearly inspired by Europe's political landscape during the first half of the 20th century. I'm worried about two things: One, the setup does not lead to a lot of good combat situations (Bosses, dungeons, etc.) and second, I'm afraid it is a bit too similar to real life. If I could get suggestions about how to improve this idea, it would help a lot.

    If I did not give enough information, please tell me and I will add more.
    Here are some ideas:

    Who says everyone wants a peaceful resolution to the conflict?  Or, if we are dealing with diplomacy, who says what people say has ANY bearing on what they do? 

    *After a tense boss fight with some guards*

    Diplomat:  "Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to tell my guards to expect you."

    "But Lord X sent notification"

    "I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding, unless you choose to make an incident out of it."

    As for dungeons?  Don't forget they can be huge buildings, sewers, forests.  Maybe to seek out a peaceful settlement, the player needs to get Imperial Documents which, oh so sorry, a Diplomat happened to lose while in the Wastes...

    So you can add plenty of conflict, and even add the story overtone that, well, the player CANNOT make a big deal out of it because these are diplomats and if he did so, it would thwart the peace process.  

    Unless the player finds enough evidence and lives to present it to the diplomat's ruler, who then MIGHT remove the diplomat.  Of course, if the ruler is a military man who just might NOT want the peace process, well...

    There needs to be a good plot reason why high level diplomats would care about a well-off student.  Perhaps a ranking diplomat is murdered and the main character happens to look just like him, or he was indeed the main character's twin brother, so the main character is dragooned into impersonating him.
  11. DarknessFalls
    #411 Source
    Sami-Fire64 said:
    @Kalacious: Good points. I think I'll do a system where you can only advance so far in the B-plot before certain points in the main plot. It'll be pretty optional but encouraged for learning the details of the world. I hope it'll make more sense when I actually implement it.

    One way to handle it, is not through systems but:

    You walking along through Story A, then Bob meets an old friend, there is a flash back and it explain show they met. later on in the story Bob and that friend come across an incident that affected Bob or said friend. the party can then deal with it or choose to ignore it causing consequences later on.
  12. Sami-Fire64
    #412 Source
    Kalacious said:
    One way to handle it, is not through systems but:

    You walking along through Story A, then Bob meets an old friend, there is a flash back and it explain show they met. later on in the story Bob and that friend come across an incident that affected Bob or said friend. the party can then deal with it or choose to ignore it causing consequences later on.
    Hmm, I see, but that's a little more linear than I'm shooting for here, I think. I'll definitely keep them in mind.

    Now, a question for anyone: how do you write "noble" characters without making them seem Mary Sue-ish? I was thinking an easy solution would be to give the character some flaws (ex. indecisiveness/inability to choose a plan and stick with it), but I'd like to see what the rest of you think.
  13. DarknessFalls
    #413 Source
    Make them human keeping in mind their status. Noble people back then were entitled bratz, some of them were very generous. others had various lovers. make them human.
  14. captainproton
    #414 Source
    @sami: does "noble" mean their social position? As in, Lord Thingy of the noble House of Whatsit? Or do you mean "noble" as in their attitude and personality: dedicated, heroic, just and kind, etc?

    If you mean the former, nobility can be just as awful, flawed and disgusting as anyone else, they'll just have a larger vocabulary and better table manners.

    I'll assume you mean the latter, though. In which case, as Kal said, remember that they are human. They could be bad-tempered. They could be a pushover. They could be flaky. High-maintenance anal retentives. Indecisive. Deliberately stubborn. Think with their pants when around the opposite (or same) sex. Their heroic and "noble" ideals could mean they have no real idea how the world actually works.

    Someone could have any number of these qualitiesand still be a hero.
  15. Sami-Fire64
    #415 Source
    Yeah, I meant in terms of attitude, not in terms of station. I'll probably have a character who's basically the soul of all that is good and right in the order faction, sort of an archetypical Astronarch/what people expect them to be, but at at least one point their indecisiveness and other flaws should make problems.
  16. captainproton
    #416 Source
    Okay. In that case, i'd recommend having him be sort of blinkered by Astronarch dogma. He's someone who is basically good and dedicated to this cause, but the way he's been taught has left him ignorant to the harsh grey areas of reality. A big conflict for his character could be his struggle to reconcile what he's been taught with the hard decisions he has to make.
  17. The Boggan King
    #417 Source
    O K working with a friend on my first small project to get me used to RPGM VX ACE. We just have a loose idea now but I wanted to see if that hook sounds interesting....

     A wandering skeleton travels ((A round a world that is kinda surrealistic fantasy-ish)) collecting its parts to make it back in to a whole person. There's a small cast of zany characters the player will meet so it will have dialogue and may be a surface story but mainly it really is a bout a skeleton trying to collect its parts. 

    Spoiler
    At the end of the game the completed person ((Ending and its appearance)) will differ based on the paths the player took. The game is telling the story of finding your self in this crazy world and how personal choices and environments effect who we turn out to be in the end.
    Not sure if we want it to be a puzzle based game or have battles or what. Open to suggestions on how to put this together. Adventure? Horror element?
  18. DarknessFalls
    #418 Source
    this would be suited for a puzzel based game based on what you described. I cannot really see it being an actual RPG. What types of people will you meet?
  19. SoulScathe
    #419 Source
    Good Morning, Afternoon, Evening, or Night. I am Soul and I am currently a solo RPG Maker working on my very first RPG. After learning a lot of stuff via tutorials, I've noticed that there is still many things that I need assistance of. Before I ask anything, I shall tell you the story of my game, and a couple features I have already made on my own.

     

    --Features--

    Gender Choice

    Name Input

    Class Choice

     

    --Class--

    Cavilar - You’re Typical Jack-of-all-trades, Master-of-none

    Paladin - Your tank and early Healer

    Mage - You’re Black Mage, Need I Say more?

    Priest - Your White Mage.

     

    --Story--

    Black Star

    The Nation of Dalmon is in Peril. Their God's and Goddesses have grown angry with them, for a demon has tricked them into believing the people of Dalmon are nothing more than savages and selfish beings. The Gods and Goddesses stopped producing necessities for life and the people have been struggling to make a living. However there is hope, if someone can speak to the Gods about their true love for them...

     

    You, the main Character, Were transported to the World of Dalmon through Unknown Ways. You awake on the shore, confused and dazed. You do not know what land you are in. You notice a storm is approaching, and a village nearby. You Must Seek Shelter, and find out where you are...

     

    -----------------------

     

    As you can see the story is a little bit of a cliché' but hey, what can you do? However I need help. I truly wish to make this game great and I cannot do that alone. I'm not begging, I can work on my own if I must, but I ask for help. Going into this solo with little to no experience is something I don't wish to do. 

     

    Now, that being said, I am excited about this new project I am working on. So far it’s been 3 days’ work and only a couple hours or so. This is because I am still in school and am busy often, and the computer I use is not mine. However I tend to work on it as much as I can, and have a lot of fun in the process. 

     

    If anyone can and is willing to help, please talk to me.  - Soul Scathe

    EDIT: THIS IS THE OLD DISCARDED VERSION OF THE STORY! A NEW STORY HAS BEEN MADE FOR THIS GAME

    Black Star Title.png
  20. RockSauron
    #420 Source
    Oh hello. I am also a noob with no experience (making RPGs that is). I am primaraly a writer at the moment, and though I have rudimentary knowledge of scripting and placing basic maps, that is where my expertise tends to lie. So if you want another noob who wants to learn how to make RPG, I am here. Only thing is, as a story guy, I would probably want to completely rewrite your story or whatnot. I have a few ideas, but I don't want to use them yet, so yeah. I'm not sure really yet if I should do this, but it sounds more appealing than just messing around in an editor with no goal. So yeah.