Plot and Character Feedback

Uhh, letsee. I don't have a completely fleshed out idea since it was originally made for a simple text-based rpg project in school. Unfortunately, I only managed to code 5% of the entire plotline that at time before I had to turn it in. The whole idea, for those still willing to listen, contains the popular dystopian time, but dragon characters in the midst of it all! Hopefully I'm not thinking on the lines of impossible, but hey, creativity is fun.

Name: Idk yet

Genre: Fantasy/Sci-Fi-ish

Inspiration(s): How to Raise a Dragon, Mad Father, A Dark Room, Star Stealing Prince

Major Plot Summary: You are a dragon who hatched from an egg. Depending on when you hatch will determine your life that will occur ahead of you. Will you become the tyrant or the savior? It all depends on your path into a world where it is not kind, and your kin was bred for a malevolent purpose.

Features:

-You play a dragon. No rider, no human companion.

-Dragon growth (wingless to flight)

-Battles

-Unique save points (Eating a crow or some type of small critter)

-Two paths with similar storylines, but different personalities

-(Hopefully) Hand-drawn character art

-Multiple endings

-Dragons often interact with each other

Hatch Now

Hatch Later


When the two paths merge together

Your path has no right or wrong in your eyes, but there are a few types of endings.

Endings

@Shibe

The concept is a quite good. I like your idea of playing as a dragon, and there are conflicts based upon the society and stuff. You can make the protagonist shines very well if you can handle his personality and attitude to not be either overly optimistic or brooding. The guy needs to be depicted as someone who has to struggle with his conflicts and it's always possible he can walk on the tyrant/savior path based on the player's decision. Unless you make him a featureless character, which then everything would be builded upon on the environments and supporting characters, and this is where I find very risky.

The thing is, I feel that your dragon sim will be both cynical and stereotypical. After all, neither part seem to be positive, In any route the player take, the hero dragon will have to live a crappy life anyway since elite dragons are evil, and human scientiists are bastards, yet the dragons are supposed to "tyrants" while the humans are victims in need for a "savior". Unless you make dragon's path worth following, and unless you make humans sympathetic/hopeful enough to be saved, there is a very little reason to choose specific paths without ending up with a reaction of "the tyrant/savior route sucks." or "I don't care who win. In my opinion, they are both rotten."

Be sure to have to supporting characters with varieties, not just plain stereotypes, especially if you're going to making dragons invaders while making humans victims. That, or you make a twist that both races are good and bad in their own ways. The player should get a chance to think whether a decision to become a tyrant or a savior is worthing it or not, or whoever/whatever are going to be affected from such choice. If everything is too dark, or everything is too bland obvious who's good and evil, the player may have no motivation in choosing specific paths, and some endings may turn out not satisfying.

Good luck.

Is there a plotline?

This sounds like the setup for a sandbox type game. For both of them the character motivations are negative - as in there are things the player wants to avoid: being killed or captured, but neither one seems to drive them to want to move _toward_ something.

You kill things, you get better at killiing, you kill again, and the cycle keeps repeating until you either become Tyrant or Savior not out of desire, but out of 'nothing else to do' or stop playing. The 'rebel HQ' is the only real story-driven one I see out of the bunch.

Note: that's not necessarily a Bad Thing. Sandbox games can be very good (the X series, for example, at least up through X3:AP).

Nice, short, easy to understand, utterly rife with the potential for complications.  Nicely done.

I take it that everyone is from a different part of the world, and that's why the names are so different?  That, or they're from a hub/trade city?

Thank you! As a matter of fact, it is the former. Cordelia is from the Britainesque kingdom of Ori. Duran is, too, but his parents were from the Rome-like Arcos. Tiko was born in Ori, but was raised by forest creatures.

Olvanka comes from the frozen nation of Borix, a vague amalgamation of several north-European countries.

Jean-Luc''s home, the city-state of Galimond is a mashup of pre-revolution Paris and New Orleans.

Xen's family immigrated from the eastern empire of Qinyin.

The party meets Siobhan in the Celt-inspired kingdom of Mideran.

And, the temple where Mira prays for rain from her goddess is in the desert of Alana.

Hello!  I have a brief plot overview for my main character!  I am having a lot of trouble finding a way to make this character compelling and to make the player interested in his journey.  Any suggestions based on the provided information?

Ritz's Story

Ritz finds a magical artifact that allows him to cast special magic.  He uses this magic to cure his dying mother, however the 'bad guys' (corrupt senators that took control of Ritz's land on year ago) use a form of scrying that allows them to find Ritz, take his artifact, and stop him from using magic.  He is saved by magical twins that teach him combat and magic.  Ritz later uses a scrying technique to learn his family is being held hostage ever since he escaped with the twins.  Ritz storms the kingdom to save his family and escapes with a princess to a neighboring kingdom.  There, the 'bad guys' steal an artifact similar to Ritz's artifact and perform a magical ritual that will kill most of the population, however Ritz uses his special magical powers and artifact to save the day, becoming a hero a savior to the people.

So my game is called Gateway and I like the idea but it hard to work around it terms of progression here is the back bone and history.

About 12 years ago a portal of sorts had appear in front of an old fort however things came out of the portal. Monsters torn through the towns, luckly they were stopped and while they have ran off they didn't cause trouble anymore. People started to investigate this gateway, when they went to touch it they ended up touch the fort behind it. Confusion abound the world was split into two groups, Twilight which was bent on destroying the portal, and Researchers which wanted to study it.

I know that was kind of short but what I wanted to know is if this would make since as a plot twist and a good one.

I have something really small here, with just the basic stuff you can do, but the plotline should be easy to follow.

You are a four-man party, arriving in some town on reasonable distance from a Magician's Tower. Town has a Castle, with a Lord and he is having some trouble. You guys are going to solve that, of course.

A pretty much puzzle based game, with only one forced battle, (or two if you want the good or best ending)

Spoilers because whole plot and whatnot:

 

 

Sorry for the format, this is straight from the notepad file. Where I list stuff on what to do.

Game Title (As of now): The Secret Stones
Genre: Fantasy
Setting: Medieval (just no technology)
Gameplay inspirations: Many of the platformers from the N64 days, like Super Mario 64, Donkey Kong 64, and Banjo Kazooie. But the have the Traditional turn based battle system. The Maxis System, is based on the Materia System.
 
There aren't that much spoilers there. The box is there because, it's really long. This is just what I have so far, and there will be more characters, party members, and details. 

Game Title:  The Rise of the Daywalkers

Genre: Fantasy

Setting: Classic Middle Ages, magic stuff

Plot Summary (so far):

I'm stuck while working on my game as well as some time to kill, I decided to come and give some feedback on the last couple of stories.

Warning: I do not have any degrees in storytelling or anything like that, all I know comes from experience and books. It's possible that I'm talking out of my arse, so take my advice with a pinch of salt  ;)

@Kyle

(I wrote so much since you asked for some advice on making them more compelling - I did my best, maybe you can use some of my hints)

Sounds alright, but it seems a bit shallow at the same point. Like you said if you want to make your character compelling I'd say that there are two ''easy'' ways of making your character more compelling: Make him/her a power fantasy, someone the player will want to be OR make him/her human. By looking at your plot I think that the 2nd option will be easier to pull off, since if you're not going to give the player customization to turn the character into whatever they want it might be hard to make players happy - some like mages, some like warriors, some like assassins. If you're going for a power fantasy it's better to let the player choose and from what I see the player is going to be a mage.

Now, talking about making him human. From your description the character sounds like a saint - saving people, saving his mother all wonder and amazement. Humans are not perfect and I think that by making your character faulty in some way you make him or her more likable. Give him a ''negative'' quality - something like being an extreme sweet tooth, a lazy sod or even a vengeful psycho will almost always make your character both more realistic and likable. Develop him a bit more as well, we see him use the powers to save his mother but what else does he want to do with them? What are his dreams, what are his goals? Does he have any or is he just at this point at life where you're not sure what to do? How does this new found power affect this? etc.

I'd also recommend changing the ''bad guys'', it just feels a bit like refreezing a cheeseburger. If you do it once it's still good, if you do it twice it's alright I suppose. If you do it 20 times it tastes like a sponge. Give them personality! Why are they doing it? What for? The thing about people is that very few think that what they're doing is wrong. It's also often hard to say that everything about that person is wrong. Even Hitler for example fought for the rights of animals and, taking a quote from wikipedia,

'' the Nazis took several measures to ensure protection of animals. Many Nazi leaders, including Adolf Hitler and Hermann Göring, were supporters of animal protection. Several Nazis were environmentalists, and species protection and animal welfare were significant issues in the Nazi regime.''

If those scumbags can have some good qualities I'm sure that your guys can have some as well! This way they won't be one dimensional.

@Mage Heart

I'm not sure what you mean by ''People started to investigate this gateway, when they went to touch it they ended up touch the fort behind it. Confusion abound the world was split into two groups,'' Does it mean that there are two dimensions or that the portal is just something like the portal in Valve's Portal Games, where it's like a teleporter? The plot twist seems pretty nice, but I have to wonder how? Is he a shape-shifter? Are those groups so secret that people don't know who is leading them? ''Researchers'' sounds a bit generic as well, but I'm sure that you'll come up with something better.

@Omega Weapon

Sounds like a DnD scenario, quite promising at that. You have me wonder though, what's the point of a 4 man party with only one forced battle? I have a feeling that people who usually play puzzle games play them for the puzzles so I feel like you may want to focus on that part, as I know that balancing the combat is difficult and balancing with 4 party members from the start is bound to be pretty hard.

The local magician sounds a bit generic though, you may want to expand that part. Unless you're going for this effect though, there's nothing wrong with an old school RPG  ;)  

@plasmablade13

Sounds really solid, I like how different your worlds are and that the characters seem to have well established personalities. Arin sounds like the weakest character in the story though, but if that's going to be the character the player is going the be projected onto (like in Pokemon games for example) that's alright as long as the rest of the cast is well established and it seems to be. The grey sphere sounds like a nice feature as well, maybe make it interactive? Possibly let the player use it somehow, for devastating yet powerful attacks that absorb the enemy but can backfire or let release some people one by one offering unique services? Just a suggestion.

@whitesphere

As soon as I heard Cuthbert the healer I immediately thought of DnD and this fellow - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Cuthbert_(Dungeons_%26_Dragons)

If that's the effect you're going for, perfect. If not, you may want to reconsider the name as many DnD players may subconsciously connect the two characters. I know that now I cannot imagine him as anyone else than an evil smiting badass. It may be just me though.

I really like the idea of the vampires not being ''ugh so evil fear me'' though, the fact that they must drink blood  or greatly suffer makes them more likable in my opinion. You have me wondering about the ''There is some not-so-subtle racism, more from the older people who remember the war more vividly.'' when the war took place several hundred of years ago... if I was going to use the internet word for that I'd say that someone is really ''butthurt'' since it just sounds like so, so long ago.

Overall it sounds like a really, really promising plot though.

Actually, it's revealed that those sphere's are actually the captured worlds. Yes the Crimson Riders were capturing the worlds, and that's why they are in the castle. Sorry for the confusion.

That is precisely my point --- that racism has absolutely no basis in objective reality, and is people, well, being "butthurt" coupled with a primitive fear of anything which is different.

As I do more of the game, it's turning out there are 2 completely different vampire, well, sides.  Both sides are psychic vampires and drain life force directly (justifying a Drain Life spell), but the more good vampires have set up an entire underground hunting range with various other monsters (orcs, fire bats, etc) and try to keep to themselves, for their own survival (they're sick of being hunted down).  The Daywalkers are the more aggressive ones with designs on world domination.

If they don't take in life force, all vampires get more aggressive because of the pain I mentioned --- and the more aggressive a vampire becomes, the more the vampire loses his/her humanity.   So much so the nobles of the good side have a simple puzzle which grants access to their domain.

 Sanguin Tears (name subject to change)

Genre: Science Fiction, Fantasy, RPG

Setting: For starters the world that the game takes place in is divided into two separate worlds connected by a dimensional gate.

Spoilers/Origin Story (contains spoilers):




The Goddesses and the Creator:

There are three goddesses, two of which are siblings. Maria, Dawnbringer the goddess who represents the light, life, and has the ability to alter time; Melissa, Dawnbringer  (Melissa, The Fallen) the goddess who represents the dark, death, and has the ability to control space. And finally Senhime, Dawnbringer, who is the goddess that governs the balance between both the ligh and the dark.

The creator (aka the director a secret boss) was once a mortal that ascended into a god. In doing so he destroyed the known universe, in an act of desperation he created a new world - Novus. His creation though proved too hard even for an omnipotent god to control so he chose two other mortals midst mankind and ascended them into the heavens. Thus Maria and Melissa Dawnbringer were born. And for a time peace prospered, yet eventually war between the two goddesses followers broke out (the mortals started the wars not the goddesses). Maria's followers being more abundant overtook and were eradicating Melissa's followers (with Maria growing in power, she herself desired more). The Creator intervened immediately ended the war, wiping Novus nearly clean of all sentient life deeming them corrupt. Yet one maiden among the corrupt remained pure and worshiped neither Maria or Melissa. So to prevent this from happening again The creator ascended the maiden and Senhime was born. To ensure she would maintain balance the Creator bestowed her half of his power.

With Novus left in ruins Melissa arose a plan with the other two goddesses. Using her powers she would create three additional worlds into order to maintain the balance (each world would be lead by one sole goddess). To which the other two goddesses agreed to, expect Maria whom wished to rule solely over Novus (now completely devoid of life). And so Var (Sehime's world) and Noir (Melissa's world) were formed.

Under Senhime's guidance, the humans of Var prospered. They advanced greatly, having abnormal life spans and rid themselves of all diseases. Unfortunately Senhime wasn't the only one who advaned her followers. Maria growing ever hungry for power gave her people the technology to travel between worlds (a device that mimic the powers of Melissa). With it Maria invaded Senhime (the strongest of the three goddesses). Unexpectedly though Senhime's forced pushed back Maria's forces. For many years the two factions fought, until Maria employed her strongest weapon - religion. Slowly the many people of Var began to worship Maria, with each converted follower Senhime grew weaker but it wasn't enough for Maria to take over.

Yet while all this turmoil occured the Creator wished to intervene and restore the balance. Yet Senhime refused the Creator's participation in the war insisting that she must be the one to resolve the imbalance. And over time the Creator grew to admire Senhime for this and it lead to the two of them becoming closer. Maria used their relationship to finally kill Senhime. Losing the protection of their Goddess, Senhime's remaining followers engulfed their world in nuclear flames to prevent Maria from conquering Var.

Grief stricken the Creator broke his promise to Senhime and sealed the portal between Novus and Var, while in his process completely eradicating Novus. Fearing further retaliation from the Creator, Maria hid. In an unlikely turn of events Melissa who chose to stay neutral during the conflict consoled and saved the Creator from his depression. To prevent this terrible event from ever occurring again Melissa closed off the worlds forbidding any mortal from crossing.

The Dimensional Gate located in Var, and the Centrain Empire:

To save herself from death Senhime became a mortal once more and using the last of her powers created the dimensional gate (to bypass Melissa's isolation as only the three goddesses would be allowed to cross). In addition while the humans of Var hid from the nulcear fallout, Senhime gave birth to a child that would later be known as Sakura. Unfortunately Senhime didn't survive Sakura's birth. But she had previously instructed her four most trusted generals (whom would later become Sakura's Generals) to teach her child everything they knew. For three hundred years Sakura was taught in many subjects by Senhime's trusted generals.

When Sakura and the remains of Senhime's followers emerged from their underground bunkers they observed the once beautiful Var ruined and still at war. Sakura sensed that Maria was still about causing havoc somewhere else. In addition Sakura deemed that in Var's current state they wouldn't be able to stop Maria, so Sakura formed the Centrian Empire and quickly conquered all of Var. With a nation now formed of one goal, one mind, and one heart, Sakura knew they were now ready to face Maria.

Var:

Influential Religious Figures:

Maria, Dawnbringer: The goddess of light that represents the life. She holds the most followers on Noir, spanning nearly the entire planet except the territory under Centrain control. She is the older sister of Melissa.

Melissa, Dawnbringer: The goddess of darkness that represents death. On Noir her followers date back to its creation, yet over the years her followers have slowly declined into a small region of Noir. This region was the first conquered by the Centrain invasion, and many of the remaining followers were rehibilitated. The others have stayed hidden from the Centrain Occupation.

Senhime, Dawnbringer: There isn't much information on this third mysterious goddess, but she is believed to have once been a part of the Dawnbringer Goddesses. Many of Noir's inhabitants trace her vague origins to the Centrain Empire whom forbids any form of religion.

The Creator: Even more mysterious than Senhime and with so few relics depicting him it is hard to pinpoint his origin. But from the surviving relics he was a mortal that became a god and created the known world. At the same time he is believed to have created the three goddesses and bestowed them their powers. Also in many of the surviving relics it depicts some sort of romantic involvement with the goddesses.

Protagonists:

Takumi Bles: 19 year old, Male.  A former Lieutenant in Noir's Military but now works for the Centrain Military after being captured and spared by Sakura during the initial invasion. In the process he watched his hometown burn and witness first hand the horrors of the Centrian Military. Despite his hatred for the Centrain Empire Takumi hopes he can change the Empire from within.

Spoilers concerning Takumi:




Before the invasion and is indoctrination into the Centrain Military. Takumi was a devout follower of Melissa's teachings and was engaged to his childhood friend. Unfortunately a day before the invasion he was stationed to the outskirts of the Region along with most of the army. With news of the Centrian Invasion and hearing the horrors the invading army left behind. Takumi and his platoon abandoned their positions and went to Takumi's hometown. Arriving just in time Takumi and his platoon dug in and evacuated what civilians they could. When the Centrain vanguard approached, despite Takumi and his platoon's best effort they were annihilated.

Near death Takumi crawled towards the screams of a very familiar person. What he ran into was the horrors the invading army had inflicted upon the fleeing civilians. In particular he found his fiance violated and murdered and swore vengeance before he pasted into the afterlife. Yet on that day Takumi did not die, instead a strange man approached Takumi and offered to give him a second chance. When prompted as to why he was offering, the man just smiled and said he wished to prevent an all too familiar disaster. Takumi accepted and proceeded to halt the seemingly unstoppable Centrain warmachine.

In a blood lust rage Takumi slaughtered all Centrain troops in his path, forcing Centra's Four Generals to intervene and try to stop him. But as Takumi was about to strike down a fatally wounded soldier, another soldier intervened and was killed. The wounded soldier shouted out to his apparently dying fiance and he crawled to her. Takumi froze as he began to look around at the piles of bodies surrounding him. Takumi then surrendered and was subsequently captured by Brynhildr. During his tribunal he was forgiven for all his crimes and would be integrated into the Centrain Military. It was here Takumi pledged to try and turn the Centrain Empire from within.

Unknown to him, the mysterious man was the Creator whom chose Takumi as his child and lent him his power briefly during Takumi's rage (representation of the Creator in the mortal world).




Irina Engel: 18 years old, Female. Lt. Engel is a Centrain Esper in charge of monitoring the activities of Takumi Bles. Irina is anti-social and hates Takumi for some unknown reason.

Spoilers concerning Irina:

Eir: 19 years old, Female. Eir is Brynhildr's trusted apprentice and second in command of the 1st Army. After the invasion of Noir, she noticed the atrocities that the Centrain Empire committed and upon learning why Takumi Bles went berserk she promptly executed the soldiers that committed the acts. In addition she shares a similar dream Takumi has - to change the Empire from within.

Spoilers concerning Eir:

Antagonist(s):

Centra's Four Generals:

Sakura Spes: 19 year old, Female.The Empress of the Centrain Empire and considered the greatest military genius in Var's history. Aside from that she seems to have taken an interest in the young Takumi Bles.

Spoilers concerning Sakura:


SPOILERS YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED




Maria Dawnbringer: The true antagonist of the game. Long ago Maria became jealous of her fellow goddess Senhime and sought to eliminate her. Maria broke the fragile barrier between the three worlds and successfully killed Senhime while at the same time sparking the war that would leave Var ravaged by nuclear fire. Ever since then she's sought to gain complete control of all three worlds and moves in on Noir - Melissa's universe.

'
Well that's all I have at the moment, this idea has been lingering in my head since June and I've been debating if I should go with it or not. Criticism and questions GREATLY welcomed.

Edit: 7/30 - Added Origin Section and several chars

Happened to stumbled on this thread by accident ;D Crazy Crab seems to be doing a good job giving feedback, so I will comment on Seraph's post.

 

@Seraph


General

You did well briefly summarising Var's history up to the present day, but I'm still not very clear on what role these 'goddesses' play for this world other than "forgotten third Goddess Senhime" placing a dimensional gate between Var and Noir. "Third Goddess" implies there is a first and second, but who are they? I'm also left wondering why Senhime placed that gate there in the first place - probably because you intend her to be a benevolent diety, but still, I don't know her motivation.

 

That's why when you revealed that Maria Dawnbringer is the true antagonist, the revelation didn't have much impact to me because I don't have much context on the celestial conflict going on between the goddesses (I'm assuming they're all female. Are they sisters? Did they create Var among themselves?)

 

Characters

The one thing that stood out for me is Takumi's concept. I like the idea of playing a captured and rehabilitated soldier. Lots of potential for conflict and character development here, and I'm assuming they're keeping Takumi around because he was a lieutenant in the enemy army.

 

I like that you hint that Irina hates Takumi, but for the purposes of seeking feedback, you might want to elaborate on why she despises him. Did Takumi's people wrong Irina somehow? Why was she in particular put in charge? You also mentioned that Irina is an Esper, which I assume means psychic, which to me brings up interesting possibilities for combat and dialogue.

 

Questions

You came up with all these atmospheric futuristic names like 'Var' and 'Centrian', but I have to admit I was a bit surprised you chose to give the Empress of the Centrian a Japanese-sounding name like Sakura. It kinda breaks the immersion for me, unless you mean to imply that Centrian has Japanese roots, just like how USF and Germania hint of Russia and Germany. Then again I'm left wondering, isn't the Red Sun Empire more Japanese-like? 

 

You probably intended this, but the name 'Centrian' also leaves an impression that the people are cold, bureaucratic, inartistic and devoted to war and conquest. That's why Empress Sakura - such a pretty name - felt a bit jarring to me.

 

Same also with the goddess name 'Senhime', paired with a goddess with a western-like name like 'Maria Dawnbringer'. I love the name 'Dawnbringer' (sounds cool), but Maria sounds a bit..ordinary? Maria Dawnbringer seems more like an epic name for a paladin or warrior. To be honest, I'm fine with the name 'Senhime' - it doesn't stick out as much as Sakura.

 

Noir also feels like an odd name choice for a world, sorry :) A world as "peaceful and beautiful" as you say deserves a name that doesn't leave me an impressive of private detectives and smoky alleys.

 

You said that: The Dimensional gate was placed there by the forgotten third Goddess Senhime in hopes that her child would end the war between the gods.

 

What 'child' are you speaking of? One of the antagonists? Or Dawnbringer?

 

In the spoiler about Maria Dawnbringer, you mentioned: Ever since then she's sought to gain complete control of all three worlds and moves in on Noir - Melissa's universe.

 

First of all, who is Melissa? And three worlds? I thought you mentioned there were two - Var and Noir. I apologise if I'm missing something.

 

Summary

You've already got an interesting protagonist and the stage set for an epic interplanetary conflict :) All you need to do is work on the lore and worldbuilding for your setting.

@Alkorri: Thanks for the feedback ^^, you're right while I was waiting for some feedback I had a bit of time to flesh out a bit more about the world. I'll update my previous post in a bit after I answer the questions you had

Answered Q's

I think that about covers it... after dinner I'll update my main story post with more chars and info.

I'm still in the middle of writing the backstory but here's what I've got so far.


Gatehaven Gothic


The game chronicles the adventures of a group of clerical warriors on their quest to defeat a demonic invasion in the kingdom of Gatehaven (the central governing body of the good guys' religion) that has been brought about by a cult.


BACKSTORY


A malevolent being, known as Bathala, belonged to an ancient god-like race. He once served as military general in an intergalactic empire. After leading his army into a failed attempt to usurp the emperor, he was sentenced to spend the rest of his life miles beneath the surface of a lifeless planet. And so, his life essence, along with his army's, was sealed away underground.


Imprisoned along with Bathala is Nius, who previously was a trusted comrade of his. She had left her life in the military behind for a life of peace, however, she remained acquainted with Bathala. When Bathala called upon her help in usurping the emperor, she refused. Bathala had to carry out his mission without, who he felt, would have been his strongest ally. He and his army failed; Bathala felt betrayed by Nius. As an act of contempt, Bathala managed to convince the judges during his trial that Nius was part of the forces who helped in the attempt to the usurp the throne. And thus, she was found guilty of treason and was sentenced to spend her life imprisoned with her former comrade and his army and allies.


Hundreds of millenia had passed when a colony ship carrying thousands of people landed on Bathala's prison planet. The people settled on the planet, which they dubbed Helsden. The settlers flourished, completely unaware of the evil sealed away at the planet's core as they spread across their new world. Countless generations went by, and with each person's death the at hands of another, Bathala's power grew stronger. This gave him hope that one day, he would be free from his personal hell. Humanity was a a violent species and it was only a matter of time until they had committed enough murders against each other for him to be strong enough to escape. He only had to be patient.


Bathala's prediction looked to be going right, for humanity's wars almost led to their own destruction. The damage extended to the near total


annihilation of the planet's environment, rendering it virtually uninhabitable. The small pockets of surviving humans retreated into massive underground bunkers and cities to avoid the lingering deadly radiation on the surface. Even under these conditions, humanity persevered. Nobodyknows how long they waited until the surface was clear of radiation but when they climbed back out of their shelters, they were greeted with acompletely different world than it used to be. Nevertheless, humanity proved itself to be strong in spirit for it did not take long for themtostart rebuilding their societies. With much of humanity's knowledge lost in the last great war, these new civilizations were much more primitive in technology and ways of life than they were at their peak. Still, humanity has learned much and the future looked bright.


Unbeknownst to the people, the great amount of tortured souls that was released from the last nuclear war had resulted in a massive increase in Bathala's power. On top of that, the increase of murders after the recent resurgence of humanity has made him even more powerful. This powerwas enough to allow him to influence the surface in some ways, namely appearing to people in dreams, giving them visions, projecting his voiceto them and the like. And thus, the next step in Bathala's plan to escape was ready. He would manipulate people into committing murders and performing human sacrifices in his name, acts that would result in an even bigger increase in his power than a normal act of murder would.


This troubled Nius greatly; Bathala deserved to suffer for his sins, not be set free. She would stop his plans or die trying. Fortunately for her, she had gained in power during her imprisonment as well. Unlike Bathala, Nius gains her power from the destruction of evil or impure beings, including those tainted by Bathala's influence. All the evil in the world created by Bathala had given people the opportunity to destroy much great evil, thereby resulting in a big increase in Nius's power. Two religions borne from Nius's and Bathala's interactions with the worldwere The Keepers of the Key and The Temple of Eternal Mist, respectively. Nius's religion sought to spread love, justice and ordered the destruction of evil. Through visions, she promised to her followers that with her, humanity will experience longer lives, bountiful harvest, prosperity, peace and when she is freed from her shackles, paradise on Helsden.


Bathala's religion demanded the performance of ritualistic human sacrifice and murders from his followers. This, Bathala claimed, serves the purpose of removing the weak, the worthless and those detrimental to evolution and his church. In reality, however, this was just done to increase his power. His followers believe that their religion encourages individuality and freedom of thought, while Nius's religion is oppressive due to its strict religious doctrine. They believe that Bathala wants a more equal relationship with his followers than Nius does with hers. Their religion emphasizes self-development and raising one's self up in the face of great resistance, thus it requires venturing into the forbidden or taboo.


The Keepers of the Key went on to establish itself as the biggest religion throughout Helsden, with its adherents composing of 61% of the world's population at its peak. In contrast, worship in The Temple of Eternal Mist was traditionally practiced in secrecy. Having been seen as a dangerous cult, open worship was normally met with swift deaths from local authorities. Over time, the cult grew behind the shadows. High-ranking members were able to infiltrate governments and other positions of high power, influencing world leaders behind the scenes. The spread of the religion began to cross the borders of kingdoms, becoming a legitimate threat to The Keepers of the Key. To combat this threat, The Keepersof the Key created military orders. One of these organizations is the Military Hospitaller Order of Saint Brynhildr (aka Knights Hospitallers). The purpose of this order are several; these include the propagation of faith through colonization, conversion and through military actions against enemy religions or cults. They are also tasked with giving protection to pilgrims, as well as setting up hospitals and providing care to the sick and injured.


MAIN CHARACTERS


Father Eoin Abernethy


Age: 35


Raised by the church, Eoin began training under the Knights Hospitallers since early childhood. Zealous and brave, his career was split between missionary work, humanitarian aid and battling enemies of the church. He puts to the sword and flame without remorse any heretics, witches and anybody else who oppose the faith. ***May or may not be able to use magic in final game***


Sister Marguerite Beauclerc


Age: 36


A religious sister who serves as a physician in the church's war zones and disaster areas. She is known as "The Lady of the Lantern" due to her affinity for charging alone through battlefields in the dead of night to tend to her wounded comrades, usually while under attack. Her job primarily lies in educating, counseling, hospital administration, and providing care for the sick and poor. She has undergone training in combat so as to be able to protect the ill or defenseless. To many, she is a saintly figure beyond reproach, however, she lacks compassion and forgiveness when confronted by heresy or the enemy. ***Still not decided on whether she will use curative magic or rely purely on medicine***


Bishop Hildebrand von Krieger


Age: 48


A veteran inquisitor, this bishop specializes in the rooting out and destruction of heretics. Through prayer, he is able to call upon the furyof Nius and manifest her wrath into divine energies to smite his enemies.


Antje Beckenbauer


Age: ?


No clue yet. Maybe a heretic who joins the party? Would probably use paganistic or demonic magic or some crap.

@pirateheart: sounds like a very cool backstory. The only part that I don't get is why Bathala and Nius gain power when people die? Is that somehow related to them being members of the god-like race?

@pirateheart

Definitely very interesting backstory.  Here are some off-the-cuff reasons why Bathala and Nius could gain power when people die:

- Their race is powerfully psychic, and anything that resonates with their core strengthens them. 

- When a being is destroyed through murder, its soul (which in this universe might very well be the essence of magic) is set free and goes to merge with Bathala or Nius since they are the strongest magical forces in the world, even if they are currently imprisoned.  This also sets the stage for justifying some interesting Blood Magic, sacrifices, etc.

I'm not sure if this is allowed but if possible could I get a bit more feedback for my updated post?