Plot and Character Feedback

@dragonborn99

No offense mate but you might want to try organizing the information you're giving us a bit, making break it up with spaces and don't speak in all caps. It will make it a lot easier to read, because at it currently is, a unreadable wall of text, I doubt anyone will take the time to plow through it.

Here's my take on trying to get feedback for my game idea...

Title: The Guardian

Story: The game begins centered on a man named Nerim, a career mercenary hired by Adracio Vandereas, a high lord in the kingdom of Vorpes. Nerim is hired to escort a young girl, daughter of another high lord who recently passed away and sole heiress to his vast landholdings, to Adracio in order to complete an arranged marriage and unite the two lands under one ruler. As they make the journey south the young girl slowly begins to persuade Nerim to help her escape her predicament. Alienating him from his allies as he mulls over his own morality verses the life he's chosen to lead as a mercenary. Eventually he gives into his desire to help the girl, and they flee Adracio's men together. As the game progresses the two begin to develop a bond that is a mix of friendship and parent/child affection that grows as their experiences together deepen. The game offers many choices at this point for Nerim to shape the girl's growth from a child to a young woman, as well as reveal Nerim's true character as an adult, all while trying to escape a predetermined fate forced upon her by the backdrop of a medival society.

To alexander Amnell@

For: The Guardian

 I love the ideea! The story seems brilliant and innovative! Also the title is well thought out and inspired!

Most of all what I think is best to this game is the ability to choose the way you will mold the character of the young noble woman. Even if it will be a drag to script it all. I believe that having a humongous number of shaping choices will make this game truly remarkable. The choices should range from picking up stray animals (as pets) or leaving them, tending to wounded ones or putting them out of their misery, to similar situations regarding other humans( + the ability to keep them as servants or something unimportant.)

 That being said, I think that the number of core characters is too low. Might I suggest adding a 3rd character in the form of a loyal wolf/panther/tiger/animal that follows Nerim?

Also it might be interesting to let the player name the princess, as a sort of new name as to not be caught, or nickname, that way the player may get more emotionally attached to her, and would make shaping her all the more ,meaningful.

Alexander Amnell:

Brilliance! But my question is this: as you are shaping the outlook of the young girl, how much character progression is going into your protagonist? The idea of someone having to choose moral obligation vs. sworn service and personal well-being is something I like to see expanded on in games, as it can create quite the drama. If you balance these things, I foresee an epic in the making.

As a side question, how do you all feel about the possible cliche of flashback-storytelling? You know, where you start off with a character in a certain predicament, and then a large portion of the story is brought up in conversation and playable through flashback sequences? I'm curious if it's better to just start from the beginning, or intertwine current and past story events.

Hi!
My game's genre is horror and the main character is Ai, the 10 year old daughter of a depressed artist. She's never really been to the outside world due to her father being overprotective, so she's pretty shy and timid. Her only friend is a boy named Oliver who delivers their bread.
 
Her father's sculptured aren't selling, so he and the rest of Ai's family are low on money. The mother leaves him soon after and he becomes depressed. Ai's family is soon to poor to buy food, making her have to go out and hunt for food with her trusty bow and arrows.
 
Ai's father suddenly disappears, and she's sure he didn't run away without her. She sets out looking for him, her only companion her bow and arrow (And Oliver, who sometimes shows up to help). She goes through dark forests, huge cities, and even a witch's lair, finding clues.

Thanks!

@ Guguman: There are other characters in the story but the story revolves around Nerim and Calindra. At the start of the game is Nerim, his captain and two fellow mercenaries who he has worked with for years. The main conflict in the beggining is that he has to choose between his comrads and his morality. Another character at that point that comes with him when he betrays his employer and comrads would weaken the story, although I may take the picking up a wounded stray animal and taming it as a pet idea as an option.

@ Fatalfugus: Of course Nerim develops as a person through his interactions with the noble woman. He effectivley gives up his old life for her, her development becomes important to him as her well-being is all he has left.

I'm not usually a fan of flashbacks in storys, to me they often tend to get in the way of the narrative at hand. Of course, sometimes things like that might be neccessary if something from the past has a deep effect on something else in the present but usually dialAogue between characters can be just as powerful and effective in revealing the past as a flashback, which often times in games are not handled very well anyway.

@ Hatsune Miku16: That is a depressing story, interesting concept but with a few things that don't really make sense in it.

1. If Ai's father is protective of her, that implies closeness between them. If they are close then her father might not be so willing to summon dark forces to end his "lonesomeness". Even if his reasons were more toward taking over the world to begin with, the instant willingness to end his child's life just seems... unnatural. It could be done, but it would take a lot of thoughtful storytelling to make it make sense.

2. Is there going to be fighting against the shadow creatures in this game, or is it going to be more focused on hiding and progressing through puzzle-solving. Because a ten year old wouldn't be able to wield a bow with enough stopping power to fight against monsters and lifelike statues, unless she has some sort of magical power like her father. Then the question is where does she get it, is it hereditary or taught.

3. How does the witch play into this, did she give Ai's father the power to bring his statues to life, or did she use him somehow. If she's using him then killing him in his sleep seems like a negative outcome for her, but if she isn't using him and the power to raise the statues comes from her then why kidnap then seduce him in the first place?

This seems like it could be an interesting game, with a fairly unique story to it, I'm a fan of stories of children forced to grow up early due to tragic circumstance, just make sure the story isn't needlessly tragic and dark.

Okay, here's the edited version of my story. I changed a couple things to make the plot more realistic. Enjoy!

 

 

 

My game's genre is horror and the main character is Ai, the 10 year old daughter of a depressed artist. She's never really been to the outside world due to her father being overprotective, so she's pretty shy and timid. Her only friend is a boy named Oliver who delivers their bread.

 

Her father's sculptured aren't selling, so he and the rest of Ai's family are low on money. The mother is soon sick, and not being able to afford treatment, soon dies. Ai's family is then too poor to buy food, making her have to go out and hunt for food with her trusty bow and arrows.

 

Ai's father suddenly disappears, and she's sure he didn't run away without her. She sets out looking for him, her only companion her bow and arrow (And Oliver, who sometimes shows up to help). She goes through dark forests, huge cities, and even a witch's lair, finding clues.

 


 

Thanks!

@Lucine

Hey, Lucine. Recently, I've become a huge fan of horror games. Like 'em or not, they know atmosphere. They are rich with detail. So, I think it's great you're working on a game in that genre. I like the start up, but I'm concerned how you'll make it a horror from the start. So far the beginning has a lot of exposition - world building - but is missing the creepy atmosphere that later dominates the story.

I saw the mother dying. A parent's death is great. It's foreboding, tragic, and most of all sets the standard that people can die in the story. So if you shape the story that her death is very close to the start of the game that could serve the atmosphere great. If you want to focus on Oliver, the general life of the family, or her shyness/personality first, you may want to figure out how to foreshadow or introduce a sinister feeling. 

Maybe a creepy animal. Maybe an oddity. A strange man. Maybe just a weird feeling at dusk. 

Or you could communicate Oliver, the general life of the family, her personality, and her mother's death in one scene. That's the writers job. If you can do that, great. Just be careful of the atmosphere.

Hope that helps! 

Isaac

@Lucine

I like your story. And I LOVE horror. ironic that i typed that with a sleeping baby on me. Anyways, here are a few ideas to help:

First, it would make more sense if the father(the artist) who left and never came back to Ai. The girl, alone in the house, not too sure what has happened to him, or what to do next, goes searching for answers.

Second, if Ai mother died then she can haunt her daughter while adventuring in the world. Ai has spent her life so far stuck inside, so everything is new and scary...you could make the world a truly scary place. Ai's mother of course would haunt her, but this would be just her subconscious, trying to help her survive in a dark, cruel world.

Third, Ai shouldn't be good with a bow & arrow. If this is what you want your main character to be good at, then maybe she can learn throughout her adventure. But please note, she has been not allowed outside much because of her over-protective father. So, she would be more skilled in logic or puzzle games.

So you can tune part of the game to have puzzles that she would be naturally good at.

Fourth, if you were going with Ai to be more into puzzles, then you should rethink the game-make it not so much battle, but her trying to avoid battles. Oliver can of course come along to help, and maybe eventually join her(to fight).

Fifth and final Can Ai have a pet that she brings along through her adventures? All that time in a house can get quite lonely, I would think her father would get her a turtle...a cat...or something.

Just some ideas I hope you like them!

@K2fbliss

Mabye she'll have a bunny.  :)

Sure! Whatever floats your boat!

ok, time for my move: the story is simple yet genius:

 Settings: In a world were magic prevails. there are no Gods. no semblance of over powerful beings, maybe with the exception of the great mages that work as leaders.. The main characters are 2 brothers of unequal age that posses the power to wield magic, and  as such gain a more prestigious rank amongst the mortals.  The world is divided by countries that are ruled by great mages. As such mages are more feared than respected, and in isolated communities are even outcasted.

Underlining: Magic is the dominant power of the world, and, as such there is no need for a God.

 What I need help with: How would people or the world behave/react in the absence of a greater power// how would the world behave in the absence of God.

Specifically I want to know details of how would a Godless world would behave or exist: What would happen if there would be no God?

Edit/Clarification: Magic is rather uncommon in this world. And more than that, while there are some hundreds of mages, only a few are actually fearful. Those are the Great mage that act as kings/rulers. The backstory is that the first mages, bestowed power from dragons,rebelled  towards their draconic masters, vanquished them by both power and intelligence, and then rushed to build the kingdoms of man. As such magic ability is generally accompanied by "nobility". However not all mages are noble, and not all mages are powerful. Most are unworthy and seldom rise above the importance of a lieutenant. However an elite few that wear an obvious mark on their forehead, acknowledged from an early age as future powerful mages can overcome full armies with sheer magical power, and are mostly employed as Great Mages or generals.

 And no I'm not trying to dodge beliefs such as personal doctrines or cult of personalities, except from those of a higher power. The point is that, if there is magic as a source of higher power, and those that are able to use it follow only their greediness and are no more than mortal beings, how would the common folk, jealous and intimidated of such power react and respond?- The cult of personality is a wonderful example of such retort.  Also as a small spoiler-- The main plot of the game will follow that exact need of a "God". During the length of a game you as a player will be called upon to fight cults or figures who wish to create a "man-made God", that would be all-powerful and all-knowing, to counter the absence and needles of one

Guguman:

How uncommon is magic ability in your world? Is it an occurrence people see in their daily lives, or something only their rulers and heroes can tap into?

My thinking is that people always need something to follow and believe in. If not religion or faith in a higher power, such as in your world, they could be consumed by a cult of personality, or even their own natural ideas and political stances.

Are you trying to dodge these things completely? I want to answer your question, but need to know what themes you want to touch on or what direction you want to go with the story.

Reall broad ideas at this stage.. but I am just wondering how people feel about the whole:

- Starts with a peaceful world with nothing wrong

- Some smudge or crack in the "ideal" world forms from some hidden evil... things start to seem "off".

- Player is made aware or becomes aware of these subtle changes to way the world is behaving, maybe through an increase of hostile creatures.. or maybe the food and water is tasting a bit strange..

- Player is either tasked with finding out more by a village elder/king (this is the usual one), or they decide to find out what is causing these changes themselves.

- Player uncovers a hornet's nest of evil that starts the quest to bring things back into balance.

and so on...

Is this all a bit too cliche`ed? Has it been done one too many times? or is it just expected and people welcome new angles on the same old story?

It is a bit cliche'd and overdoneIMO but don't let that always put you of. A Cliche'd story can always be good. If you have great characters then obviously cliche's won't be that big of a deal. It's just about how you make the game :)

Here's the first part of my story's plot. Basically it's a timeline and this is the first entry. Most people will say I should have just finished the timeline and posted it but I would like to see if I'm on the right track for the story :)

The Histories of Madrigalia

(Madrigalia is a place and Exsurge is an event that will happen)

Before Exsurge 273 - The Last Bloodline of the royal family of Madrigalia dies on the same illness of each of his predecessors.  The kingdom falls into chaos and panic arises. The members of the castle try to return order to the kingdom but fail in doing so. Rumours spread of neighbouring kingdoms planning attack on the kingdom at this time of weakness. The council spend most of their funds on the kingdom’s military forces and this caused taxes to rise dramatically. The people start to protest and fought against the council. Rebellion broke out and a leader arose, Valahar Alistair, a supposed

last member of the bloodline of Madrigalia, The Lost Prince. At first the council did not believe this but later he proved to be a member of the bloodline being able to cast an incantation only cast able by members of the royal family. He is crowned king of Madrigalia and starts a rule that will forever be remembered.

 Magic is rather uncommon in this world. And more than that, while there are some hundreds of mages, only a few are actually fearful. Those are the Great mage that act as kings/rulers. The backstory is that the first mages, bestowed power from dragons,rebelled  towards their draconic masters, vanquished them by both power and intelligence, and then rushed to build the kingdoms of man. As such magic ability is generally accompanied by "nobility". However not all mages are noble, and not all mages are powerful. Most are unworthy and seldom rise above the importance of a lieutenant. However an elite few that wear an obvious mark on their forehead, acknowledged from an early age as future powerful mages can overcome full armies with sheer magical power, and are mostly employed as Great Mages or generals.

 And no I'm not trying to dodge beliefs such as personal doctrines or cult of personalities, except from those of a higher power. The point is that, if there is magic as a source of higher power, and those that are able to use it follow only their greediness and are no more than mortal beings, how would the common folk, jealous and intimidated of such power react and respond?- The cult of personality is a wonderful example of such retort.  Also as a small spoiler-- The main plot of the game will follow that exact need of a "God". During the length of a game you as a player will be called upon to fight cults or figures who wish to create a "man-made God", that would be all-powerful and all-knowing, to counter the absence and needles of one.( this will be added as an edit to my original post)

So when they bestowed the magic on them.. how was this accomplished? Was it a mental transferrence of knowledge? Or knowledge told to them (such as words of power etc) or was their some change to the genetic code of the first magicians, which is automaticaly passed down to offspring? If it is the former than only those who are taught (whether by another person who knows or by self-teaching from manuscripts) the knowledge will have magic.. whereas if it was the latter, then you could find some genetic mutations throughout the population that means you end up with some child, seemingly unrelated to magicians, in some place that has magical power.

When encountered with such "unexplainable" happenings, most non-educated people will come up with stories and myths to explain it and that's generally where the idea of God(s) and Devil/Demons come from. Evil people could use these beliefs to manifest illusions or summon beasts to control other people through fear and so on. Even good people could use this same fear of the God(s) to control people enmasse and keep the general populace subservant and oppressed.

Anyway.. yeh.. it's a big topic that could be stretched and molded in many different forms but it all goes back to the root cause of the belief.. why did they start believing in a God.. or conversely, how do you explain the way the general population deals with understanding these strange occurences. It's one thing for the knowledgable people of "nobility" (or whatever) to understand as they already have the knowledge "bestowed" upon them (through some kind of passing down of the knowledge) but for everyone else....

yeh.

EDIT: The best stories, I find, are those that are able to just get on with the story and not go into lengthy explanations of why such and such is true. Like with most scifi, such as Star Trek, they don't really get down into the nuts and bolts of how the Warp Drive works. Instead, you are basically asked to just believe in the idea as a method of faster-than-light travel.. or the subspace communication system.. there are books external to the TV series and in some episodes they do explain it in a little more detail but for the most part, you just accept the fact that there is a system of communication like that and the story moves forward unhindered. So essentially, as long as the magic system or lore of the universe you are creating is not disjointed, people will generally just accept that that is how it is and it's only when you get bogged down in the details that people even bother to think about it in more detail and thus start to find flaws in the idea.

Having a backstory provides context.. knowing why these people believe (or don't believe) in a God helps you to create the story but you don't necessarily need to write that into the story itself but just use it as a basis for the characters' motivations, intents and actions.

Adema: A Haunted Curse

I suck explained plots, so I hope I can be understood at least a little

The game is set in the Planet/World of Adema, a world considered an eden (quite a party or boring huh) by the citizens. Suddenly unexplained events started happening, forests were becoming deserts, the animals were behaving erratic and some were victims of attacks by other citizens. Many relied in science and technology to find a solution, but it was to no avail. Only a few were aware of reality, but this few were ignored and unknown by society.  

-Side note: All the events were being triggered by demons. Magic/paranormal/weird, is not common in Adema

About the characters

The game will flow around 4 "heroes"  (starting as priest, psychic, brawler and marksman) all with different backgrounds and secrets, and all just as important. The heroes are some of those few that are aware of the reality of the situation. They are either gifted or cursed and capable of solving the puzzle. Each with unique abilities, and each complementing the other. The unexplained events on the plot will bring them together.

What I really need feedback is on the plot, is it too "weird", lacking elements?

Also, limit the game to 4 stories, or add some secondary heroes ?

"A Daughters Revenge"
my anger and sorrow when dad is mean to me and or teases me
Game Genre: horror
 
Characters:

Eve- the daughter
David(dad)- the payer aka "Eve's dad"
Jill(mom)- Eves mother who passed away then dad got amnisia and left
Solar(littlebrother)- Eve's little brother who died from brain tumor
(Open for more characters)
 
Story(still working on): 
"A peaceful family of four with two dogs or was it? For Eve it wasn't, mom was always nice but she was naggy, her brother was thoughtful sometimes but he was annoying, but her dad.... he had rare moments where he was almost nice or kept a promise but he was always mean. He had many obsessions and many of them were teasing and tormenting her, be it physical or mental. Like trying out new moves on her like a sleeper hold doing his best, which still hurt, to not hurt her but hurts her anyway and throwing her stuff away every time he gets pissed off is the mental part of her torment. 
 
One day her mother died and brother had a brain tumor laying in the hospital with those two out of the house her father could do anything to her he wanted, which became Eve's worst nightmare. He did the most unthinkable to her and it killed her at the bright young age of 15, after her passing her brother had the tumor removed and lived, for a month then died trying to off his dad for killing his sister. With no family Eve's dad made mistakes one of which made him have an accident and lose his memory of his old life. 
 
6 years later he is happy with a new wife with a child on its way when a letter arrived to the home inviting them to a party at an abandoned house. Upon getting there he saw a figure appear in front of the car and he swerved and hit a tree killing his wife and unborn child he got out of the car and saw the abandoned house, but no one was there but he thought a phone would be in there anyway. once inside he got a headache and a familiar memory fragment he didn’t know he had then there was a voice of a young girl echoing though the halls then the figure reappeared and slammed him to the wall screaming in his ears saying that he shall pay for what happened to her. Later on he gets his memory back bit by bit after wondering the house........"
 

****

that’s all i got so far ^^|| I’m not good at making scary stories without help ^^|| you see more can be added to the whole thing here and there but this is just the main idea for it all X'D but the question is that the father would think is "was that really an accident? Or was it waiting for me?" or something like that
Its basically a mix of, the witches house, misao, and the crookedman, or at least thats my intention.
 
Anyway I’d like some feedback on this maybe even some help adding more to it and or to make it better hopefully.

@parisiteeve

I would read your story, but there is no capitalization or periods and it hurt my eyes. I'm sorry. ;____; (It's also a pet peeve of mine D=)

I actually have two stories - which were originally for novels or whatever, but since I prefer games... Yeah. :D

Idea One (Genre: Fantasy)

The main character is a noble who witnessed her deranged father murder her mother at a very young age. After he was caught, the servants/bodyguards/etc. took the girl and handed her to clerics in a covenant to protect her. She grows up as a choir girl with a seemingly pure-hearted and happy disposition - never forgetting what she saw. Like her father, she has her own "moments" and eventually leaves before doing anything horrible. She then becomes a minstrel and travels the world with her own partner and bodyguard - a man who was assigned to watch over her a while ago.

At first she travels in order to create - and exaggerate - her tales to tell other people for money. Eventually I plan to have her meet up with her father and eventually have to deal with him - and herself.



Idea Two (Genre: Sci-fi)

An alien travels to Earth as a Human as part of her mission. He goal is to study Humans, then turn them into mindless drones by sucking their brain cells in order to become suitable hosts for an army. However, after staying TOO long on Earth she abandons her mission and her commander sends people to kill her - and take over her mission. 

This idea is still in the works in my head, but I like leaving my comfort zone every once in awhile (Fantasy is my zone XD). Now as a game, I'm not sure how this would work. I mean, I don't have sci-fi/modern tilesets for RMXP and it probably wouldn't work so well as a turned-based RPG (I like RPGs so it's have elements) and I'm not good with programming battle systems - yet. :p

Of course if both of this ideas totally suck, then I'll start from square one. ^__^;;