Here is some feedback on the first 11 minutes. It's in a spoiler, because it's 2 pages of A4 size, detailing things that need attention.
The Executive Summary
You need to pay a lot more attention to detail. This can feel tedious until it becomes second nature, but the cumulative effect of lots and lots of small things is the impression that you haven't given much care and attention to your game. This is probably not true (or at least, I hope it's not true), but that is the inevitable impression you will give to the player.
The things to pay particular attention to include grammar (use of upper and lower case letters, punctuation) proof reading for typos. how you do your events, and your mapping.
Here is the detailed version.
Spoiler
The Great Fortune
Notes taken as I go along. Map numbers are simply the order I reached them, obviously they have no connection with the map numbers in the editor.
Spelling – almost first screen has typo – Intuiging instead of intriguing. A typo so soon does not give the player confidence that care has been taken with the rest of the game.
Going from Name Selection screen to first map, a sprite shows up for a brief moment. You need to rethink where you put your fadeout/fadein commands. (That’s probably it, though it might be your transparent on/off command).
Map #1
What function did the sleep perform? Felt like it was just a filler, as there was no obvious reason for it.
Your passability settings need adjustment. There is a huge non-passable section in front of the computer desk. I should be able to get at least one tile nearer it, possibly 2 if the event were actually on the desk itself.
Same problem in front of your TV. I should be able to stand directly in front of it. As I can activate the dialogue from the side, I think you must have placed your event there instead of on the TV. If you put it up and have ‘Same as characters’ for priority, it will still work when you click on it.
The wifi router “This almost cost me $400” – implying that it didn’t cost him anything (maybe he stole it). You mean “This cost me almost $400”.
The screen for the Journal in the menu reads “Your Journal where you” and then there’s a rectangle instead of further words.
The line ‘Letter’ in the Journal brings up the same words as for the notebook – all about Aaron, even though the description says that it is a letter written by someone.
The wording of this entry is awkward.
This map is too big, and therefore feels empty.
Map #2
Not surprised that this building needs a map if the size of things so far is anything to go by.
Plain wooden walls and floors – but a ‘royal’ carpet. Don’t go together, try something simpler.
There is no transfer event on the bottom tile of the corridor, only the top and the middle.
Both the top and the middle take you to the same tile on the next map. It would be better if they each took you to the corresponding place i.e. top tile to top tile, middle tile to middle tile and (eventually) bottom tile to bottom tile.
You have also used the default ‘Retain’ for the transfer event, so I ended up facing up when I transferred, not facing right. It is better, imo, to always specify which way the player is facing after a transfer because you can never be absolutely sure, without any shadow of a doubt, which way the player is facing for all transfers.
Map #3
Daniel: You bet! and what are you doing
Here, anyway
The exclamation mark should be followed by a capital letter, and Here should not have a capital letter.
Same problem with his next dialogue. The ?! is followed by a word beginning with a lower case letter. Question marks and exclamation marks end a sentence, they do not pause it like a comma.
Section of corridor going up – use your shadow pen to continue the shadow up to follow the wall.
Map #4
I leave map #3 going up and I arrive on map #4 going down. Sometimes these awkward transitions cannot be avoided, but I doubt that is the case here.
I’m not going to specify every instance where you have not used capital letters correctly, or have omitted them. I suggest you go through your dialogue with great care and correct it, or get someone to proof read it for you.
The “thought” dialogue for Ellis telling me who Aaron is bad. Not the content but the fact of it. Who would think that to himself? It is unnatural. I think you need to find another way to tell the player details about Aaron. E.g. Ellis says “I suppose it’s normal for a 10 year old like you to be all eager, but I wish you’d tone it down a bit.” Or whatever would suit Elliot’s character.
Ellis: We ar going by car Example of poor proof reading. Should be We are…
Map #5
Aaron: Lets go lets go lets go.
Without the apostrophe so that it reads Let’s go, it means that someone is letting go of something e.g. lets go of a rope.
Will not comment further on bad grammar. Get it proof read.
The player can reach every edge of the map but can go no further. I think it is better to arrange trees, logs etc., so that the player can’t do that.
Your stairs should stop at the top of the cliff. To continue on up like that they would have to be supported by something, but what?
Your long, rough grass is far too regular. I don’t think mixing the dried out grass patches with it works.
Same issue with the shadow ending before the map does. This is something you have to add manually to most maps where the trees/walls continue up to the edge of the map. The auto shadow stops before the edge.
Map #6 (Forest Way)
The transfer event lands me on the same tile as the transfer back, so if I want to retrace my steps I have to go forward and then turn round and go back. It is generally better to land the player one tile further on than the transfer event back.
Why is this map smaller than the screen? It would be easy to flood fill the small area either side with the auto trees and it would look much neater.
Better than just flood fill, however, would be to ‘carve out’ a couple of small glades in that great mass of trees, just to make it more interesting visually for the player. Simply drop a few grass tiles in the middle of those big blocks and the glades more or less make themselves.
Map #7
Everything too regular. Another bland map.
Your dialogue with the 2 unknown characters is not clear. Nor is it clear what the ‘roar’ has to do with him overhearing something. Those seem to be 2 quite separate unrelated phenomena.
Map #8
Don’t get the white flash transfer event. Wasn’t needed by the context and just jarred.
If you are going to prevent the player going back to a previous map as e.g. here in the town and earlier when you first entered the forest area, then you need some explanation to the player, some dialogue, even if it’s something as simple as “Now I’m here, I’m not wasting my time going back for nothing.”
Stopping here, at least for a while.
I hope you won't feel discouraged by all this. There is nothing to say that you could not get a good game out of this. Just that, at the moment, it is far too rough in execution for public consumption.
