Really Worried....

Hey everyone,

I am really worried. Tomorrow I'm going to see my ill gran at a care home. I don't really like travelling though and now I've got myself all worked up :|

My mum and dad say it doesn't matter if I don't go - but it matters to Me!!!

If I don't go then I know I'll regret it, I'll end up feeling like killing myself or I'll get all down....

The other problem I face is that its my grans birthday tomorrow, the whole family will be there and if I don't go I'll be really angry, with myself!

I'm sorry for talking about this on the forum, but I just don't talk with my family about my ASD or my problems/worries. Don't mean to bombard you with my problems :)

Sooner or later you're gonna have to get over your fears and just FACE them.  Your grandmother's not well I get it; are you gonna let your fear of traveling really prevent you from seeing her OR enjoying yourself?

I get it about certain fears. I have plenty that I still haven't conquered. They're not easy, but you can't run away from them forever.  Yeah, its scary and heck no it isn't easy.  But in the end the proud feeling you might have when you DO get over them is such a rush.  My best friend conquered his fear of heights by staring it right in the face. Literally. He climbed a rockface. Hundreds and hundreds of feet down. He felt so proud of himself then. Now he loves it. 

You might be the same with traveling, yo! Even if it's just a short car ride. You gotta face those fears so you can enjoy your gran gran's birthday. :D

I hope you do!  It might help if you listen to music, perhaps.   

Hope this helps.

I think it's brave and very sweet of you to want to visit your gran. I know it's easy to say don't worry so much about the trip, but I know how something can seem so overwhelming that you feel you can't go through it.

Try to focus on your gran and about how nice it would be to see her and all the things you want to talk to her about. Try to occupy your mind with some activity or a movie to take your mind off anything but the travelling tomorrow. And know there are friends and folks here who would definitely be rooting for you :)

Thanks Iron Croc.

That was really helpful. My stomach feels really weird, sort of sick like, which it does each time I think about going out. But I'll do as you said and I'll try and go tomorrow. I really hope I do because I know a, my gran would be really thrilled if she knew, be, my grampy would also be really proud, and c, I know I'd be really angry with myself!

So here's to hoping that I go tomorrow :)

Thank you Croc, I'm so very grateful for your help...

@Alkorri:

Thanks that really did bring a smile to my face. Knowing that you guys, and girls are supporting me as well is actually very nice, kind and comforting. I do thank you all from the bottom of my heart :D . I'll be going to bed soon and will try and keep my mind occupied over tonight - hopefully tomorrow I'll get up and will go straight away...

Thanks for your Alkorri, it means a lot to me - Thanks :)

I think your heart telling you you'd regret not going is a sign of strength. Maybe your love for your Grandma and sense of family connection can help you in this situation. 

Anxiety and ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder?) can be a hard egg to crack. The classic "de-escalating" exercises don't really have as potent effect as with people not experiencing the differences in functioning with ASD.

Have you heard of flooding techniques or systematic desensitization visualizations?  Basically if you imagine each step of the trip and take note of where the anxiety comes up... then take the image of your Gran looking into your eyes with love, and feel that love, really trying to put yourself in that end result... She is so appreciative you came and focus on your love for her as the counter measure to the anxiety you've got a rudimentary systematic desensitization visualization. Take your mind back to that image as you think yourself through every step of the trip that is anxiety provoking. And then when you actually go on the trip do the same and also practice slow in through the nose out through the mouth breaths....

Outside of practicing these in preparation for the trip, how do you feel about getting some sub-lingual Ativan at the Doctor's or Emergency today? Though I can understand if you want to be unaffected for a family gathering. You can PM if you like I'd be glad to talk with you. I am a Registered Professional Counselor.  

@Laptopdancer:

Thanks for your kind words and help. I'll be happy to PM you :)  Though it will be tomorrow, I am of to bed now, so I will say goodnight!

Thank you for your support and help everybody - Goodnight and see you tomorrow!

Sleep sweet!  :)

You as well... :D

I also have Aspergers, so I understand quite well how our minds can run in circles so fast if it were physical, we'd all be Oil barons from the depth of the wells drilled into the ground.

What I've found in my case is when I don't know something is when I feel the most anxious.  Particularly when I refer to the future, which is by definition unknown, I can get anxious so I create a mental future which has no relation to reality just to avoid the anxiety.  I could say "Be as present as you can be in your body.  Take deep breaths and feel your feet on the floor, your arms at your sides, the tips of your fingers," but that was very hard for me for a long time in my life.

Things I've found which help me through that anxiety:

1. Deep breathing helps slow the speed of my thoughts

2. Thinking of experiences which bring me joy, such as holding my cats, or being with loved ones (in your case I'd leave Grandma out because her condition is the source of your anxiety).

3. The above mentioned focus --- focus on the physical reality of your body as it is right now.  This is easier said than done sometimes :)

The more you do #2, in succession, the more it will slowly change your mental state away from anxiety, even if the happy memories have nothing to do with the source of your anxiety.

Best of luck!

I hope and pray you'll have a safe trip and a great time with your grandmother! You got this!

Like Alkorri said, it is super sweet and great that you want to visit and maybe you can at least try out. If you feel that way. If it gets overwhelming go out of the room/house for a while and let the mind settle. Afterwards you can try to ease the feelings out with something soothing to do that you enjoy.

Hi,

I didn't do it, pretty much I didn't sleep very well - my mind was racing, I could barely sleep and when I woke up I felt sick! So I didn't go and most likely have now missed my grans final birthday, because she won't be alive this time next year. :|

Thanks for your help guys and girls. Sorry I sort of wasted your time... :(

Sorry for letting you down everyone.

Kindest regards,

Matthew.

Miffy, so you weren't ready to extend to a Big journey. That's absolutely fine, the chances are your gran probably wouldn't want you to see her when she's in that sort of state so she if she could see you would probably be really glad that you didn't go today :) .

Don't beat yourself up, don't be down and most importantly DO be proud of yourself. You tried and didn't do it, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, so give it a try maybe next week - you might want to go :p

Good luck!

Miffy, don't blame yourself.  Even if this is her last birthday on this plane (I feel and believe very strongly there is an existence after we die), she knows how much you love her.

It's just part of being human that we can't always do what we want to do, even things we feel are extremely important.   Beating yourself up over it only hurts you, for absolutely NO reason.  If I had a penny for every time I beat myself up over something, I wouldn't need to work.  But, you know what?  No matter how much you blame yourself, it doesn't open a time gate back to the past and allow you to change it.  All it's ever done for me is make me feel worse about my present.

If you need to learn anything from this, it's that we are all human and have our limitations.  Self-abuse (that's exactly what it is) isn't learning by any stretch of the imagination.

I'm sure you'll see her again before she passes.  And I'm sure you show her how much you love her when you're with her.  That's really all that matters.  Ever.

@whitesphere:

Thank you for those kind and touching words. It really does mean a lot to me, thank you :)

I do regret not going today but since reading this I don't regret it as much. Your right, beating myself up won't reverse time so I might as well just try and put what happened today behind me. I do intend to see my gran again, if possible, and when I do I am also going to see my grampys grave (he died in 2012) and so far I haven't seen it yet, but I have promised myself that I will go and see both her and speak to him at his grave :)

I do love my gran, my only regret is that I couldn't travel often to see her when she was healthy - but like you said, I can't reverse time...

Thank you ever so much for your help whitesphere :D  I owe you a LOT. Thanks.

Kindest regards,

Miffy6000.

After reading the post above I have to say, I am proud of you for giving yourself a break here. Reaching and stretching and growing are great things, however knowing when something is too much is just as valuable!! Maybe without the deadline attached, the anxiety won't be as present for you if considering going to see her in the future. Also could you maybe skype or phone? I think it's so great you feel comfortable to share your feelings so openly here. I see many strengths in you. Keep up the good work. 

@Laptopdancer:

Haven't seen this post you made until now, sorry for the late reply :) . That's very nice of you to say those things above. Slowly I am starting out small and am growing in the distance I travel. At the moment I am riding shotgun with my dad in the car, we travel about 5 minutes up the road pretty much every day so that's a pretty good start. I am hoping I can push it to the 45 miles so I can see my gran again before she passes! The worst part about her Alzheimer's and terminal Cancer is that we don't know when she will pass on...its worrying us all :|

No I don't use Skype and unfortunately my phone isn't topped up with credit. I use my Nokia to take pictures - it makes a pretty good camera phone :p

Thank you for your kind words :)

Kindest regards,

Miffy.