Family in hospice

My wife's grandfather is not long for this world.  Complications from diabetes, namely, an ulcer on the foot that got infected and just won't heal.  The infection moved up into his leg, and he refused amputation (the only thing the doctor had left, as this infection endured six rounds of antibiotics, including those delivered through I.V.).  He was moved to hospice last Thursday, and Friday the prognosis was 4-5 days.  That puts tomorrow as day four.  Not looking forward to getting phone calls at work, much more than usual.

I can't stand feeling helpless.

The man's falling apart physically and mentally, and I can do nothing, neither to heal the infection, nor to ease his suffering.  I simply don't have the knowledge, nor the time to get it.  Visiting him yesterday, I couldn't look.  Couldn't stand to look.  All that's left is a withered husk that can barely move.  This, from a man who started off with nearly nothing and no education yet got fairly high on the hog, working in a Ford factory for 35 years.  This is the same man that pushed himself enough that, even after his inner ear was destroyed by a different infection, still managed to get up and dance with m' wife at our wedding reception.  A man at the end of his days, and I can't even look.  Not sure if I'm looking at how I could go, or if it's just death of somebody I care for, or what's the deal with me.  I was able to look at him and try to talk to him (his hearing's nearly gone) a few days prior, but it was worse this last time.  Felt a bit queasy.  Couldn't bring m'self to look after the first few minutes.  Feel like a coward for it.

I worry for the rest of the family as well.  He and m' wife's grandma have been married for 60 years.  For the last ten or so she's been taking care of him, in increasing amounts, until now.  I don't know what she's gonna do.  I don't think she has anything else, unless people come to visit.  And with nothing left to do, and her soulmate gone, I wonder how long she'll last as well.  My wife says she's more bothered that he's suffering than that he's dying.  I don't know what to make of that.  The older of m' two sisters-in-law had seen him two weeks ago, and not again until today.  Man's gone downhill quite a bit in that time.  Nearly broke down crying on the spot at seeing how bad he is, and did after she left the room.  M' wife's grandma said she'd call if she needed us to hit Sam's Club of Gordon Food Service for her, which nearly sent m' wife into tears, due to the implications of suddenly needing food in bulk.

And there's nothing I can do to fix any of this.  I hate feeling helpless.

It isn't the same, but I lost my son last year. I think the thing that broke my heart the most was that he suffered for three days before passing away. If you need to vent or chat, or even if your wife needs someone to talk to, I am not only a great listener, but I have experience and advice if you need to PM me, I will be here.

I'm so sorry all of you are going through this. Many prayers for you and your family.

I wish I had words to make this better for you,--and for you, Ruby--but the best I can do is offer my prayers for you and yours.

I appreciate it, guys.  Really, I do.  I'm sorry to hear about your son, Ruby.  I'll see where I stand after getting the call, which hasn't come yet.  M' wife, though, really doesn't like to talk when she's upset.

There's not much I can say, other than that I truly feel for you and your family.

I lost my father fourteen years ago to an unforeseen heart attack, but a sudden event like that carries different pains with it. Recently I had to watch my cat go through double renal failure, and I can relate to the feeling of helplessness. It broke my heart every day trying to help him get better, until both kidneys failed... But getting to have him on my lap as he passed away (from a euthanazia injection) was a goodbye I won't forget. As he started dozing off I told him it was time for his long sleep. As I said that, he licked my hand and looked me right in the eyes, before he went limp in my arms.

I'm sorry if this is out of place, but your post brought me back to these memories, and made me feel like sharing...

Mmmf... I can't say I know what you're feeling because I don't... but I'm here for ya man. We all are. I have a grip on what you might be feeling; I lost a family member a few months back.


You never really get over it... it just gets easier over time...


I'll be praying for you as well as for your wife.

5:40pm, my wife's grandfather departed from this world to join Jesus in the next.  We were on our way there when the call came.  He had been comatose for nearly a week, and came to, according to m' mother-in-law, long enough for her to say to him "see you 'round," to which he nodded, and returned the "I love you" said by his oldest daughter.

I feel bad for feeling relieved that the whole thing is finally over; watching a man wither away into nothing, sitting in a small hospice room in a nursing home for hours at a time, with not much said, but the occasional series of hymns...rather draining emotionally.  I'm still touched (and flabbergasted) at how m' mother-in-law, her sister, brother and mother managed to keep the vigil going for all that time.  Had to bite back tears, hugging the new widow, at her response to how she was holding up: said "gotta be Ford tough" (given where the man worked and for how long, well...).

Can't take more time off work right now, but will be on-call if they need any running around done, since m' wife's hometown is a small farm town and we're living inside the I-275 loop.  M' wife says that at the moment it just feels weird that her grandfather is gone.  I was finding it weird m'self, the man whose hand I always shook before departing, no longer there, his favourite chair empty, his baritone voice absent.  Given m' work is mental health, I'll have plenty to whom to talk about how I'm doing, but I worry about the others.  I'll do what I can when I can; they need only call.

EDIT: ...dropping verbs.  Left a few out.  Now in place.

Oh; the loss of a family member. Such news is never quite welcome, even when expected to any degree.


Nearly all of us will have a similar story, to one degree or another; and it is okay to feel helpless, in the moment, as long as you won't let it paralyze you when you are appropriately needed. You say your wife doesn't want to talk when she's upset -- but sometimes the right response is not specifically saying anything in the moment, but holding onto her with all the compassion you have left.

You're a good man, OP. You will be blessed down the line. :)

M

Even when expected, the death of someone you love is always hard.  My sincere condolences.

And no need to feel bad at being relieved it's all over.  You wouldn't have wanted him to suffer any longer, and the strain on all those who loved him was no doubt immense.  Relief in these circumstances, alongside the grief, is normal.

You seem to be a person of faith, steak, so at least you know he isn't hurting anymore. And you'll get to see him again.